I blame myself. Maybe I am that unstable.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

still getting fallout from my own actions.
my children will not speak with me.
my ex-BPD was my second wife.
my 4 children are from my first wife.
now, any time i get upset, my children have extreme reactions.  cannot blame them, i blame myself.
why should they trust me?
dam#it.  maybe i am that unstable.

[morningagain]

still getting fallout from my own actions.
my children will not speak with me.
my ex-BPD was my second wife.
my 4 children are from my first wife.
now, any time i get upset, my children have extreme reactions.  cannot blame them, i blame myself.
why should they trust me?
dam#it.  maybe i am that unstable.

[Insom]

Hi, morningagain!     Welcome. 

It sounds like your feeling some sadness and regret about your children. I can relate to feeling humbled by the many connections I've found between present day problems and my ex.

How old are your children at this point?  Adults or young kiddos?  Would you like to share a bit more about what is going on?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi morningagain,

Can you tell us more of your story?  

When you say your children have extreme reactions, what exactly do you mean?

We are here for you  

Love and light x

[morningagain]

they have stopped communicating with me.  completely.  for 2 months now.

i can only deal with the situation, i cannot change anyone else.  kids are adults except for the youngest who is 17.

[Mutt]

Hi morningagain,

Are your kids siding with your expwBPD? What did expwBPD say to the kids?

[morningagain]

oh, not at all.
my kids are from my first wife.
no, this is all on me.  still unwinding from the BPD wife  (2nd wife, kids are from my first wife), and my kids are all still hurt by my actions/choices when i was enmeshed, so anything i say or do now is magnified.

[Mutt]

You’re right you said in the OP that they’re from your first wife.

How long were you married to your second wife? We’re the kids adults then too except for the 17 year old? Who had access and custody with your kids? Were they with you half of the time or every other weekend?

Were the kids living with you and your second wife? How did she treat them?  

[Harley Quinn]

It sounds like you're taking responsibility for your actions now.  Do you know whether your adult kids are aware of that?  Have you had opportunity to apologise?

I read back some of your previous posts but didn't find what the actions were.  Are you happy to talk about those?  How were the kids impacted by your choices when you were enmeshed?  It is so hard as a parent to feel like we have made mistakes by our children.  Try to go easy on yourself.  None of us get everything right all of the time.  We can only do our best.  I feel for you that you're carrying this 

Love and light x

[morningagain]

i broke up my marriage.
i moved 1400 miles away.
my company failed, i had no resources to entertain even when i was back in town.
i ran out of money fighting my ex, the divorce agreement said i had my kids for 6 weeks in the summer, she decided that would be every other week.  financially impossible.
i abandoned my children.
i abandoned my children.
i would hate me, if i were them.  the grownup battles do not register.  now, if i express a sentiment that is not politically correct with the kids, i am judged.
but, i abandoned my kids.  diffiult to blame them.

[Harley Quinn]

That has to be so hard for you. 

Now that they are adults, were you ever able to sit down with them and explain properly?  How long is it since you split from your second wife with BPD?  How is your recovery doing?

Love and light x

[morningagain]

over 5 years since the split.
apparently, forgiveness takes more time.
explain?  how do you explain to someone who has not been through it?  i am zero for many... .

[morningagain]

harley, i thought i responded to you, but it does not seem to show.


oh well it was a brilliant response, i am sure, but lost to the vacuum of the internet ether... .

[Harley Quinn]

Ah yes that pesky ether. I have a lot of brilliant stuff lost in there too. 

So how can we best help and support you morningagain? What would it take for you to move things forward in your situation?

Love and light x

[morningagain]

not much you can do.

i am suffering cognitive dissonance.

not the kind in which i refuse to recognize reality ,which causes psychological pain.

it is the kind in which i acknowledge reality, and i hate it.

[Harley Quinn]

OK that's good awareness. That you can work with. What can you do about changing the reality of the present? The past cannot be altered but the future can.  

Love and light x

[morningagain]

that is the rub.
i cannot 'make' my children speak/communicate with me.
the silent treatment is something without very many effective responses.

[Harley Quinn]

You're right. I take it you've tried reaching out to no avail?

How are you using this time? What can you do to pave the way to better communication with them in the future? It would be a success if you were able to improve your relationship with them and reach a place of mutual understanding.

Have you ever suggested they read any information about how a BPD relationship is for the partner? I'm gathering that what took place did so whilst you were with your BPD wife? It might help them to understand how your experience affected you. I'm not suggesting you come over as excusing what happened, but it might help them to fill in some blanks.

I sent a site article to family members who were unable to comprehend what the r/s was like in its intensity and all consuming nature and it helped.

Love and light x

[morningagain]

i have tried, and tried again.

problem is, it is so surreal, nobody really believes it.

and if they believe part of it, the conclude i must be insane to have put up with it.

what article did you send?  at this point, i am at zero, so anything can surely only help (i know, things go negative, but i am in a manic phase, so i see roses)

[Harley Quinn]

It was this one, which I think explains how confusing and surreal it all can be. Let me know if you think any part looks helpful for what you want to put across.

There are tons of resources on the site. Maybe take a look at some of the member workshops and other articles.

Love and light x

[morningagain]

seems about 5 or 10 years too late.

not sure how that will help them understand why i might have done some stupid stuff that hurt them.

[wendydarling]

Hi morningagain  

now, any time i get upset, my children have extreme reactions.  cannot blame them, i blame myself.
why should they trust me?

they have stopped communicating with me.  completely.  for 2 months now.

Is there something that happened 2 months ago, that's prompted them not to respond to you? I'm wondering what kind of relationships have you have built up with each of your children since the break with your ex?

Small steps.

WDx