Won't let me see my daughter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

I posted earlier. Ulitimately, I had to make a report to CPS about a month and a half ago, and my daughter hasn't been returned to my care since. Normally i have her every other week and am pretty much a stay at home parent. I have filed for enforcement of parenting time. I don't really know what to expect. My daughter's mom (uBPD) is now saying she feels my daughter is unsafe in my care (she is being investigated for neglect). I don't know what she's saying to the authorities and she won't respond to me or my lawyer. She asked me to go to mediation but she is so manipulative that i think it's a bad idea, and the attorney advised against it as well. I really miss my daughter, it feels like this is harmful for her, and it feels like nobody cares. The police and CPS would not help me get her back. I have joint custody and 50/50 parenting time.

Any advice or experience?



 

[stoic83]

Hi,

I posted earlier. Ulitimately, I had to make a report to CPS about a month and a half ago, and my daughter hasn't been returned to my care since. Normally i have her every other week and am pretty much a stay at home parent. I have filed for enforcement of parenting time. I don't really know what to expect. My daughter's mom (uBPD) is now saying she feels my daughter is unsafe in my care (she is being investigated for neglect). I don't know what she's saying to the authorities and she won't respond to me or my lawyer. She asked me to go to mediation but she is so manipulative that i think it's a bad idea, and the attorney advised against it as well. I really miss my daughter, it feels like this is harmful for her, and it feels like nobody cares. The police and CPS would not help me get her back. I have joint custody and 50/50 parenting time.

Any advice or experience?



 

[ForeverDad]

She is not following the court order.  File a motion there.  Yes, it will take time, but that I believe is the only practical choice.  If CPS is not sharing information with you or your lawyer, then court should be able to order them to appear and state their investigation and conclusions thus far.

For all you know the matter was investigated and closed and mother did this independently (unilaterally) just to spite you for reporting her.  A thought... .even though "police and CPS would not help you to get her back", did they tell you the status of your report to them?  Is it closed?  Will they comment on whether they told mother to take this action?  Odds are they didn't, but they are not there to enforce compliance with an order.  They are limited to actionable (or substantive abuse, endangerment or neglect).  Don't expect them to go outside their designated territory.  Each fiefdom has its territory... .CPS, police, court, evaluators, counselors, etc.

Remember to ask for make-up time for the parenting time blocked.  Odds are you won't get it but you surely won't get any make-up time if you don't ask.

Also ask for clarity on steps to remedy any future time blocked.  Perhaps ask for the order to be updated to include consequences when the order isn't followed.  LnL and others have remarked that getting consequences included in the order reduces the risk of the court giving the offending party a few more "chances" to comply.

I recall one time in court for temp orders when my then-stbEx told the magistrate she didn't want me to have time with my preschooler because she had asked CPS to reopen her allegation.  Magistrate said, "Reopen?  Then it's closed.  Father gets to see his son... ."  She tried to keep arguing with the magistrate but failed.

[stoic83]

She is not following the court order.  File a motion there.  Yes, it will take time, but that I believe is the only practical choice.  If CPS is not sharing information with you or your lawyer, then court should be able to order them to appear and state their investigation and conclusions thus far.

For all you know the matter was investigated and closed and mother did this independently (unilaterally) just to spite you for reporting her.  A thought... .even though "police and CPS would not help you to get her back", did they tell you the status of your report to them?  Is it closed?  Will they comment on whether they told mother to take this action?  Odds are they didn't, but they are not there to enforce compliance with an order.  They are limited to actionable (or substantive abuse, endangerment or neglect).  Don't expect them to go outside their designated territory.  Each fiefdom has its territory... .CPS, police, court, evaluators, counselors, etc.

Remember to ask for make-up time for the parenting time blocked.  Odds are you won't get it but you surely won't get any make-up time if you don't ask.

Also ask for clarity on steps to remedy any future time blocked.  Perhaps ask for the order to be updated to include consequences when the order isn't followed.  LnL and others have remarked that getting consequences included in the order reduces the risk of the court giving the offending party a few more "chances" to comply.

I recall one time in court for temp orders when my then-stbEx told the magistrate she didn't want me to have time with my preschooler because she had asked CPS to reopen her allegation.  Magistrate said, "Reopen?  Then it's closed.  Father gets to see his son... ."  She tried to keep arguing with the magistrate but failed.

Yes CPS and police told me that she is doing it unilaterally and i have it in writing. They told me that nobody asked her to withhold her from me. She admits to doing it unilaterally, she is making a bunch of wacky accusations towards me and saying she feels our daughter is unsafe with me, and it's clearly retaliation. They told me they don't feel my daughter is unsafe in either parent's home and won't be getting involved in any parenting time/custody matters.

CPS didn't tell me the status of the report. They had me go through a brief interview where they asked about the orgins of my relationship with the uBPD mother and asked if she abused me etc. They told me they asked her to not leave my daughter alone with the alleged perpetrators anymore, and she obliged. They asked me when my court date was. I asked her if she had any updates, and she told me no. That the police are handling the investigation in to the third-party and to contact them.

Why do you think I won't get the make up time? This is the 6th time she has violated the parenting plan and I have it all documented and filed reports with police.

I would like consequences included in the order. I was hopeful the police could help me get my daughter back, but lawyer told me not possible without sole custody and I have joint custody.

The lawyer thinks the judge will tell me i should file for sole custody, because the withholding is a pattern and egregious... .etc... .

[ForeverDad]

I wasn't able to get make-up time.  Of course, I didn't think to ask and no one else cared overmuch that I was shorted on time.  It seemed no one cared about the past, just going forward.

Perhaps I should have written that you should seek make-up time but be prepared if you don't.  How's that?

Generally you need a Change of Circumstances case to list why you should have a major change, such as going from joint to sole custody.  I did that, my ex was able to drag it out for nearly 1.5 years.  Unfortunately things didn't get better, she felt just as enabled and entitled until I went back yet again and got majority time.

You know your situation best.  Ask for the court to consider your proposed solutions.  Another member here, david, said he was always lectured in court but almost always walked out with his solution embedded in a court order.  Be the parent with practical solutions and eventually the court will discern who is always on top of things even if it doesn't say so in front of the ex.

[stoic83]

I wasn't able to get make-up time.  Of course, I didn't think to ask and no one else cared overmuch that I was shorted on time.  It seemed no one cared about the past, just going forward.

Perhaps I should have written that you should seek make-up time but be prepared if you don't.  How's that?

Generally you need a Change of Circumstances case to list why you should have a major change, such as going from joint to sole custody.  I did that, my ex was able to drag it out for nearly 1.5 years.  Unfortunately things didn't get better, she felt just as enabled and entitled until I went back yet again and got majority time.

You know your situation best.  Ask for the court to consider your proposed solutions.  Another member here, david, said he was always lectured in court but almost always walked out with his solution embedded in a court order.  Be the parent with practical solutions and eventually the court will discern who is always on top of things even if it doesn't say so in front of the ex.

My attorney asked for any and all remedies including make up time, counseling on interfering with other parents relationship, and scheduling a hearing for modification of custody and parenting time.

I talked to CPS today and she said she hasn't closed the investigation. Normally the investigation is closed within 45 days, but this is taking longer for some reason... .

So far, I thinks she's shorted me on about 60 days of parenting time in 1.5 years. I'm thinking of asking the judge to modify parenting time to me 9 days / her 5 days, for a year to make up for the parenting time and to balance it out so it's not all at once creating more separation anxiety for my daughter.

[zachira]

Do read "Splitting", probably the best book on a contentious divorce, which includes info on challenges to see your children. It is sold on Amazon.