I have nothing to apologize for

[herkey18]

Trying to stand my ground and hold to my boundaries is very difficult for me, but here I am 2 months in and still trying to stand strong. Today I have been staying strong by reminding myself that I have done nothing wrong, and I have nothing to apologize for. Back in May was the last time I spoke to my mom.  It has been the result of a memorial day dinner gone bad.  What started as my mom arguing with us about trying to get my daughter to eat, turned into her accusing us of force feeding our child (so not true) and continued with her telling my husband he is a horrible father, horrible husband, that he has a terrible track record (because he has been married once before) and that she feels sorry for me.

I was so proud of my husband and how he kept his cool through it all.  A couple of weeks went by post dinner, and I decided to write my parents  a letter.  In it I spoke about the trust that has been broken over the years, the pattern of abuse that has occurred and that I saw no way forward unless/until my mom apoligized.  Weeks went by and then finally my dad came over to talk with my husband and I.  :)uring the conversation, I stayed strong, and stuck to my boundaries, reaffirming what I said in my letter.  I also told my dad that if my mom didn't see anything wrong with how she acted, then that was a problem and there is no way to move forward.  I felt positive about the interaction because my dad left saying he was going to try to get my mom into counseling and that maybe it wasn't time to do anything with my mom yet.

Then this week happened and I am finding it hard not to slip back into the pattern of abuse.  First, my mom texted me to say that she is thinking of me and sure loves me a lot.  I responded by telling her, then I hope you won't let anymore time go by before trying to make things right.  No response from her.  The next day, which was yesterday, my dad sends me a text.  In the text he tells me that he is going to call me, that he hopes I will answer and that he wants my husband and I to come out to my parents house so sit down to resolve things. At first I wanted be happy because it seemed they were making an effort. Then I realized that this is just more of the same pattern of abuse.   My dad trying to make things right, clean up for my mom and making demands of me, not asking for my input and ignoring our earlier conversations.  When he called I was too emotional to talk, so he spoke to my husband.  He told my husband that he wanted us to come out the next evening at 7:30 (tonight) my husband told him that we had already had a conversation and wouldn't be driving out to their house for what might be an apology.  Not to mention we have a 3 year old daughter we wouldn't want to take with us so we would have to pay for a sitter.  My dad said there was a small window of opportunity, that he was upset I was unwilling to talk to him, that there were too many restrictions and that if I wanted to talk to him I could call him.

I go back and forth through all of the emotions.  One minute I feel super guilty because I want to have a relationship with my parents and worry that I just burned a bridge and this is the best offer I will get from my parents.  Then I feel anger that my parents can't see that they have the power to make things right.  The burden rests with my mom to apologize, and then we can move forward from there.  I don't need to drive out to my parents house when I did nothing wrong and I have nothing to apologize for.  I don't need to be wasting my brain power on how I can make things right.  My husband has been trying to help me and remind me that the hard work has been done.  I have made my expectations known and had NC with my mom for almost 2 months.  He says that if I give in now and succumb to their demands that I am continuing the pattern of abuse, and I know he is right.  It is just very hard. I told him that it would be so much easier to give in, brush things under the rug and continue on like always.  Braking a cycle is so hard.  Tonight I wanted to get on here to get the support of my BPD family.  This website has been so helpful for me.  I go into see my therapist on Monday and I can't wait to talk with her either.  

[Harri]

Hi again.     I am glad you reached out to us though I am sorry that things are so unsettled.  It does take time to work through this stuff though. One of the most difficult things is dealing with other family members trying 'to make things right'.  They will push and pull at you to try to get things back to normal.  My dad did that; putting himself between me and my mom and trying to get his life to be easier.  I don't know if that is why your father is trying to fix things (in his mind anyway) but it is a possibility.  Regardless, you need to focus on you.

I agree that you have nothing to apologize for.  Do you think the guilt you feel stems from shedding a role that never should have been yours to begin with?  We grow up taking care of them and thinking we can fix things and being told we are responsible for them so it makes sense that when you say no to being placed in that role that you will feel guilt.  It is part of your programming (for lack of a better word).

I go back and forth through all of the emotions.

This sounds about right.     You will experience inner conflict for a while.  It is going to take time.  Giving in may seem like an easy solution at first but it isn't.  Yes, I know you know that   Long term, the benefits of working through this will pay off as you continue to work on you and figure out what you want your relationship with your parents to look like.

Setting limits with your mom and dad was hard.  You got through it.  You sound pretty determined to work through this and I believe you can and will do this. 

Thank you for sharing.  I hope you keep updating us.  We can keep cheering you on! 

Keep reaching out and writing here and going to T. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi herkey18, 

I am also very glad you came and shared with us and our online family which you are a part of. You are brave to be taking this step, and indeed it is a hard one. I remember when I first began setting up some boundaries and creating space that I often felt lost and unsure. Like you, I knew it would be far easier to just give in. Our emotions waver so much, don't they?

We've lived a conditioned life of needing to give in to the demands of our pwBPD. Without giving in we wouldn't have survived as children of. BPD. But now that we are adults, we get to make our own choices and not have our disordered parent continue to demand that they get to decide for us.

Keep going, stay strong. If you have to remind yourself a hundred times a day that it is okay to have boundaries and health for yourself and your family, then keep saying it. We'll be here to keep cheering you on. 

Wools

[Turkish]

My dad said there was a small window of opportunity,

What do you think this means?

[zachira]

Your mom is not willing to apologize for or acknowledge her bad behavior. You feel like you are being blamed, especially when you have nothing to apologize for. Your dad just wants everyone to move on and act like nothing happened. The letter to your parents explaining your side of things is being ignored, and your hurt feelings remain unacknowledged. So where to go from here? You would so much like to resolve this, and have a normal relationship with your parents which  isn't likely. Your relationship with your parents is changing because you are no longer willing to accept their bad behaviors, especially in front of your child and husband. So how do you stop the hurt from being such an open wound and get to a place where you can have a better relationship with your parents? It seems you will have to accept that they are not going to change, and continue to set some strong boundaries with them. Right now setting the boundaries is hard because you are just starting to do so and your parents are fighting you tooth and nail to keep things as they have always been. As you become more comfortable setting the boundaries, you will start to feel more comfortable, though will probably always be sad that you have to put some distance between your family and parents. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help. We are here to listen and support you.

[Panda39]

I just wanted to pop in too.

I agree with what the rest of the group has said and just want to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing.  The FOG is clearing and you are seeing the tactics used by your parents to keep you in their comfortable dysfunction.  Once you can see it, you can change it, because you can change how you respond to it.

It's hard to set boundaries in the relationship you have with your parents because you were raised not to have any with them.  It feels uncomfortable now because you are using a new muscle and it will take practice and time to get used to it.  Just as it is going to be uncomfortable to your parents as they adjust to your new reaction.

I keep sharing this but I really like it so here I go again... .



Hang in there,
Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi herkey18 

You are entitled to maintain boundaries that are healthy for you and your husband. This is normal adult behavior.

Your mother’s behavior is likely a result of a serious mental illness. Your father’s behavior is as a result of the discomfort she is causing him, trying to get him to bring you back in line.

Your pain is real and it is justified. I really love the quote that Panda shared. It’s not easy to maintain our boundaries but it’s important. Those that would try to overrun them will be miserable either way. We might as well maintain them and keep our self respect. 

  L2T

[herkey18]

I was contacted by my UBPD Mom yesterday.  First time she has called.  She asked if my husband and I would be willing to meet her and my dad at a restaurant near our home, we could choose the time.  I told her I would see if I could get a babysitter, talk with my husband and get back to her.  So here I am 45 minutes away from meeting up with my mom.  My husband agreed to go, despite feeling that this is just more of them pushing the boundaries to see if we will give.  I told him that I would like to see if my mom will apologize, and if she doesn't it gives me the chance to talk with her for the first time in person about what I do or don't want from our relationship.  I am trying to be confident and remember everything I have learned over the past few months through counseling, reading and this website.  I keep asking myself what do I want from the relationship.  To be respected.  That is what I want.  Really there are two things that are the issue, her mistreatment of my husband and the BPD.   Please send me your prayers or positive vibes, I am going to need them.  I told my husband, best case scenario she apologizes for her recent abusive behavior and we start to move forward with boundaries, or she just sees the new, confident woman that stands before her.

[Harri]

You are definitely in my prayers.

You've got this!  I think it is good that you are going so you can see if she will hear you.  If it is more of the same, you are prepared for that as well.

Please do let us know how it goes.  I will be wondering!

[Panda39]

Keep us posted.
Panda39

[herkey18]

The meeting with my parents was not productive, except to reinforce my resolve.  We met my parents at a Zupas (thank goodness I pushed for a place that didn't have a server that we had to deal with.)   I let my mom take the floor and told her, you called for the meeting.  She gave me the oddest look, as if it wasn't true.  They start in with they want to get past this and make things better, my dad says we all need to be respectful of each other.  Then my mom starts rehashing the events of May 31st, the catalyst of all this.  But she is changing what happens.  I interrupt her and tell her that we didn't come here to rehash the events, and that wasn't exactly how they unfolded. She tries to tell me that I wasn't even there for part of the conversation, and argues with me when I say I was witness to everything my husband said to them.   I remind them that I had made it clear in the letter I sent and also in the recent visit with my dad, how we could move forward.  She tells me, she didn't respond to the letter on purpose.  This pisses me off because she is ignoring the letter that I wrote with  my heartfelt thoughts and pleas.  Who does that to their daughter?  She asks me to restate what I asked of them in the letter.  I told her that there needed to be an apology and boundaries set.  She says she is not going to apologize and goes on to justify her attacks on my husband that day because she felt that she was being attacked.  I turn to my husband and ask him if he wants to go.  She accuses us of not letting her talk.  It just went downhill from there as she tells my husband that he is behind all of this and then says I am also acting this way because I am not feeling well (she knows I am dealing with some gynecological issues).  All of these things must be why we are treating them so poorly.  My parents then get up to leave and my dad says "Don't worry, we won't be contacting you again."

 It was a mess.  I was running on adrenaline for about 30 minutes after the fact and then burst into tears.  My husband was right, they weren't coming for an apology, but to avoid any responsibility and try to get back to business as usual. I don't regret going because I needed to be sure of where they were, and also assertively state my position.  It was painfully clear to me that the conversation I had with my father a month ago, fell on deaf ears and that either he didn't relay anything to my mom, or if he did, she was in denial.  I counted 4 times that I made my expectation clear over the last 2 1/2 months.  The first was when I mailed the letter to my parents, second when I spoke with my dad, 3rd when I wouldn't agree to go out to their house for a "discussion', and 4th when I responded to a text she sent.  The level of denial and boundary pushing is amazing to me!  I told my husband last night, as a Mother, I don't care if I felt I was in the wrong or not, if I wanted to see my daughter and grandaughter, I would do whatever I needed to be able to be with them. I would become the best actress in the world to try to deliver a sincere apology (even if I didn't really mean it)  if I knew that's what my kids were requesting of me and had not been in contact with me for months.

As I have read on this website, the hardest part of all of this, is how it affects the kids.  My 3 year old daughter who doesn't understand why she can't see her Grammie.  It makes me so sad.  My husband reminds me that we are protecting her from witnessing the bad behavior and potentially being the victim of it. I had a thought last night though, I pictured having a conversation with my daughter when she was older, and her telling me "I'm glad you stood up for you and dad, and didn't let Grammie treat you poorly." Before this, I had been functioning in a state of sadness and guilt, but this meeting allows me to have a little bit of anger.  Anger is what I need right now, I know it is not a place to stay, but I think it will help me to move forward.

I read something so helpful today in the book Surviving a Borderline Parent, "It may be helpful to reframe your situation with an emotionally challenged person as one of conflicting needs.  Your parent has a need to project her feeling and deny responsibility for past actions in order to protect her sense of self and minimize the shame she feels.   You, on the other hand have a need for validation of the emotional abuse you suffered and can no longer accept or identify with her projections if you want to live your own healthy life.  When viewed this way, blame no longer seems so necessary-you are no longer the unwitting victim of the "bad guy."  That really helped me and I will need to return to that quote as I continue on this journey.  I don't want to have a victim mentality because it won't help me.
Thanks for reading and sharing in my journey BPD Family.

[Learning2Thrive]

Your parent has a need to project her feeling and deny responsibility for past actions in order to protect her sense of self and minimize the shame she feels.   You, on the other hand have a need for validation of the emotional abuse you suffered and can no longer accept or identify with her projections if you want to live your own healthy life.  When viewed this way, blame no longer seems so necessary-you are no longer the unwitting victim of the "bad guy."  That really helped me and I will need to return to that quote as I continue on this journey.

I’m so sorry to learn the outcome of your meeting. But I agree you needed the confirmation your parents provided.

I don't want to have a victim mentality because it won't help me.

Except, you were a victim and sometimes we need to take a moment to really accept and process that. It is OK to face the truth. We need to do this to grieve the loss and heal. I am NOT suggesting you get stuck in victim mentality, however.

Pete Walker has this to say:

De-minimization is a crucial aspect of confronting denial. It is the process by which the individual deconstructs the defense of making light of his childhood trauma. The lifelong process of de- minimizing the impact of childhood trauma is like peeling a very slippery and caustic onion. The outer layer for some is the stark physical evidence of abuse, e.g., sexual abuse or excessive corporal punishment. In a perversely ironic way, my parents’ physical abuse of me as a child was a blessing for it was so blatant that my attempts to suppress, rationalize, make light of and laugh it off lost their power in adolescence, and I was able to see my father for the bully that he was. [Seeing my defensively idealized mother’s abusiveness came much later].
Identifying my father’s behavior as abusive eventually helped me become aware of less dramatic aspects of my parents’ oppression, and I subsequently discovered the verbal and emotional abuse layer of the onion of my childhood abandonment.

Full article here:
www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalNeglectComplexPTSD.pdf

It’s ok to acknowledge you have been victimized. It’s the truth even if it wasnt their purposeful intention. You need to recognize that to prevent it from happening again. Acknowledging it is different from being stuck and wallowing in it. We are here, listening and supporting you. You are worthy of love and respect.

  L2T

[peachtree487]

I understand how a ton of time is spent on learning about your mother's condition and how to get along with her better can be very taxing, and when she isn't doing her part, it is not fair that you're doing all the work. Being that you have a toddler, maybe it would be helpful to tell your parents that you have spent much time & effort to learn about your mom & how her condition affects your relationship with her & everyone else, and that now, your time is better spent on learning & researching how BPD / your mother's problems might affect you & your child's relationship.

 In other words, tell your parents that since you've already worked so hard and have done your part, that now it's time for your mother to do her part, because you are going to spend time on your own child to make sure she doesn't have problems in the future like you do. Leave it up to your mother to do her part -  your daughter will grow up quick, and you have already showed how much you care for your mother by putting in the time & research - leave it up to her to do her part, so you can focus on your child.

Many hugs to you!

[sewconfused]

So what happened? I just finished reading SWOE and new EGtoBPD and one thing I learned is to never expect an apology. I'm struggling with that right now in the heat of a wild fire resulting from me calling bad behavior out and setting a boundary for not just myself but also to project my children.

I hope it went well for you.

[herkey18]

My sister reminded me of the song "The Cat Came Back"  The lyrics are: The Cat Came Back the very next day, the cat came back, I thought he was a goner, but the cat came back, he just couldn't stay away.  She said to replace Mom in those lyrics.  I couldn't help but get a laugh out of that, and find myself singing the song every now and then.  I was supposed to have a therapy session on Monday, which I was really looking forward to.  But today the office called to tell me that my therapist is no longer there.  I had 5 sessions with her, and am mostly annoyed that I have to start over with someone new, and everything seems a bit shady on how the office is handling things.  I can't help but think that she was let go.  So since I am unable to chat with a therapist until a week from today, I hope you will give me a listening ear and also possibly some advice.
One week ago, my mom called me on the phone.  The last time that I spoke to her was when my parents walked out on my husband and I at Zupas.  I was able to screen the call, so before I called her back I tried to prep with my husband to try to stay strong with my boundaries etc.  When I call her back, the first thing she does is ask if she can plan a day when my daughter could come out to spend time with her.  I tell her that I don't see how that is possible given current circumstances.  She then proceeds to ask me what she can do.  (As if I haven't made that clear on multiple occastions)  I remind her that she needs to apologize to y husband and myself.  
She states that is what she is trying to do.  (Funny because up until this point I haven't heard an apology)  So my mom then finally says that she is sorry and that she is tired of this and that she really misses her granddaughter.  She says that she will apologize to my husband if he is around.  I tell her he is not but that if she wants to come out to our house she could.  Which she agrees to, but not before stating that she would never treat her parents like this.  And then starts rehashing events in the past.  I become agitated and she says, don't you want to work this out?  I tell her that I do and that she needs to talk to my dad and then text me to confirm that she is coming in 2 days to my house.  We agree that she will text me back that night.  My mom never sends a text.  The next day I text my dad.  After 2 hours and not getting a response from him, I text my mom, reminding her that I need to know ASAP so I can arrange a sitter.  No. Response.  At this point I am just upset and annoyed.  This is par for the course.  I think one of 2 things, My mom can't follow through on things and they are just going to show up with out confirming.  Or they have decided not to come and are avoiding my texts.   I realize that I could have called, but this is part of the problem, I am tired of trying to manage my parents.
My husband and I decide that we are not going to be home during the decided time, in case they show up unannounced.  This was very hard for me and I felt very guilty about it.  Sure enough, my parents showed up, we were not home, and they called my husbands phone when they couldn't reach me.  My dad says that my mom sent a response that they were coming.  I never received any message.  Later that evening my dad calls to tell me that he checked my moms phone and the message had to be resent. At that point a message did show up.
THis was almost a week ago and I have heard nothing from my parents.  
I don't feel that it is my job to make things right or schedule another meeting.  I feel that if they were sincere, they would have made every effort in the first place and due to a miscommunication on their part, would be reaching out to me.   I don't sense any humility on my mom's part, just a rush to fix it so she can see her granddaughter. After I got off the phone with my mom, I regretted my decision to agree to have my mom come.  When she didn't confirm, although I was upset, a part of me was a bit relieved.  Right now I don't know what I want with my parents.  I know that I don't trust them, and that trust has to be earned back.  I am scared because each day my desire to resolve things weakens, and that scares me!

[Turkish]

My dad says that my mom sent a response that they were coming.  I never received any message.  Later that evening my dad calls to tell me that he checked my moms phone and the message had to be resent. At that point a message did show up.

Do you think that your dad was telling the truth?

It's  plausible because we all have likely experienced failure to send texts.  They usually say that but if your mom is unfamiliar with texting it might not be something she'd pick up on.