The excruciating pain of not being able to take care of someone

[pearlsw]

I am just back from a counseling session. It was really more of a chance for myself and my SO to meet separately with a counselor, an hour each. I gave her the backstory on the whole relationship. She wanted to know if I wanted to do couple's counseling or get a divorce.

My SO met with her separately. My goal was to help him along with him possibly getting help for his unstable moods and his suicidal thoughts. I am not going to do couple's counseling with someone who is so mentally unstable. It makes no sense. I am trying to get him moved over to the right person... .

I have a plan now at least, I think, for what I'll do if he mentions suicide again.

[I live overseas from my home country]
And all this in English, but knowing she [the counselor] could not quite grasp all I was saying... .that persistent never fully being understood, like you are speaking to people while underwater, feeling. My not even understanding all that she tried to say back to me [because of her accent on some words]... .(deep breath out)

Before the session I ducked into the nearby historic old church, they don't lock them here during the day, and you can just go in and find some peace... .the artwork was so beautiful... .so fascinating how humans like to decorate with lots of shiny gold and statues and stained glass... .all to give you a chance for just for a few moments of peace.

Back in the session room, it was horrible to see her face as described all I could of this relationship's history in one hour. I felt like I had peed on a Christmas tree or poisoned the Easter Bunny seeing the horror come over her face. I am sure she has heard a lot, but in this sleepy fairy tale land I live in... .it felt like I'd taken some of her innocence. But that is just me being silly.

One of the most unexpectedly poignant moments was when I described one of the reasons I/we had not sought the assistance of a therapist sooner and that is the racism and prejudice I expected we would face if we did so, things I've faced on my own in the past when trying to get help. I did not expect to see her nearly start to cry when I was mentioning this and it nearly made me cry as well seeing her so hurt. I didn't expect that.

My last words to her were that this was all a tragedy. How sad it makes me to not be able to take care of someone who I can see is clearly ill. That's the part that made me cry the most when I was walking back alone along the train tracks and reordering the day in my head. To think of someone I love being ill, and all this pain that is driving us apart, and making life together impossible... .when it all started so simply. Just two people in love who wanted so much together.

I am sometimes so mad at, so broken by this illness that made this person I loved into a monster (at times).  I don't mean to call him names. This is his behavior, not him.

I told the counselor the whole story from what he had been through before me, during our time together, and the ways it all ended up impacting me... .and... .I am beside myself with grief when I think of how he has suffered. He is so innocent, like a small boy... .and I can't help him. Oh how my heart aches... .is just overflowing with pain and tears for him today.  

He is so innocent. He doesn't know anything about counseling... .he doesn't know it won't work right now. He wants so badly for it to work. He would pay any price for it to work. He cries and begs me every day not to leave him. It would take years for him to maybe get his mood swings under control... .it likely won't work she and I both talked about. So many tears. So many tears. His sweet little heart.

I have tried so hard to protect him from everyone who tried to hurt him... .why did he have to turn on me? It kills me that I cannot protect him from this illness that is tearing us apart.

Please, anyone who is reading this, don't take it to mean it won't work for you if you try. All of our situations are different... .and no matter what... .it does make a difference to try to improve yourself and keep yourself strong... .and please, if you can, take some time to use some of what you are learning on the site here to help others so that they may not suffer. That is all I would wish in response to anyone reading this far. Please support someone on their thread even if it is just to offer a few kind words. We are all learning, okay? If you do, please come back and just give me a   or a  . Thank you!

with deep sadness but always a little hope, me.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[anxiousndworried]

Oh Pearl, I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. BPD is a horrible, horrible disease. I am a physician and BPD was never something we learned about in our training. I am only recently starting to learn the complexities of the disease now that I have a partner with it.

Your words resonate with me - "this was all a tragedy." I have seen a lot of illness in my career, but BPD is one of the most tragic of them all. It takes kind, caring, loving people and turns them into unrecognizable versions of themselves. What strikes me, is how similar the behavior is among all people with BPD. What that tells me is there has to be something more - something biochemical or neuroanatomical that we don't understand. Hopefully one day, we will get answers, but the tragedy is that our loved ones are still suffering and we have very few tools to help them.

I got some good advice the other day. Remember that when a drowning man puts his arms around his rescuer both men drown. It sounds like you have tried desperately hard to save your SO, and maybe taking a step back to focus on yourself or at least allow yourself to feel will help you both. I know there is a temptation to "stay strong," but crying is helpful too. You need to mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you would have and grieve for all the time and energy you spent trying to help your SO.

Sending love and hugs.

[Samson1234@]

You are a beautiful wonderful soul!

Random story, but im an actual judge, I work in the family courts in the UK. I have seen some truly terrible things, however terrible some cases are I never really remember them, very very few actually stick in your mind, sort of a defense mechanism, but there is one ill never forget because for all the evil and cruelty i see day in and day out I have also seen some of the most beautiful acts of love. Your story reminds me of one of the most powerful.

It involved a man who held a prestigious position as the head teacher of a very well respected school. His wife suffered from really quite extreme bipolar disorder for which she was diagnosed but I suspect there was extensive comorbidity with other mental illnesses there. He had stood by her for years and years, it sounded like he had been through absolute hell! In the passage of time he made a bad decision I suppose and he fell in love with a colleague and ultimately he left his wife, it was not my place to jugde him on that. But there were children in the marriage, bitterly loved by both their parents, and the wife, in her grief I suppose, weaponised them! Her husbands affair clearly had destroyed her, and when he left the marital home to be with his affair partner the children became a highly effective means through which she could punish him and hurt him for hurting her. This is sadly very common but she did this in one of the most devastating and effective ways I had ever seen. Ultimately of course he sought a legal remedy to allow him to see his children and that is when she got particularly nasty.

She fabricated physical and sexual assaults, alienated the children, made his affair public (which given it was a catholic school ended his employment there forcing his public resignation), endlessly accused him of sexually assaulting the children... .all disproven in time, but this is a man whose career required a clean DBS (uk child protection certification) and so it became impossible for him to find work. He did in the end find a job, 500 miles away as a teaching assistant and even then she bombarded his employer with fake allegations... .

But in doing this she ignored the fact that her ability to afford to maintain the family home and feed the children was entirely dependant on his child maintenance payments, he was not working and he was paying her mortgage and all her household bills and he was fully aware of that even if she was not.

It put him in the position of having to make the ultimate sacrifice because he knew that the only way she would back off and allow him to continue working, albeit 500 miles away on a low wage rather than the 6 figure salary he was used to, was to withdraw his application to be allowed to see his children. Without his income his family would lose their home and be forced to live on her benefits and he didn't want that for them. In his view his children were more likely to succeed in life without him in it.

I granted him his application to withdraw with great reluctance and it was one of the saddest decisions I have ever had to make but to him his self-sacrifice was a loving act towards the people he loved most in the world. His wife was sat there smiling clearly feeling that she had "won".

Everything we say in court is transcribed, and so I made the point of summarising his reasons for his application in open court and said that whatever his children might be told by their other parent that one day he will get to look them in the eyes and tell them that he never gave up fighting for them.


Your story reminded me of that case, because what you are doing right now, however hard it is for you, and however it turns out, is an act of love and even if it means that if for a period of time or if for ever you have to walk away from your SO, you will always be able to tell him that you never gave up even when doing so hurt you so deeply.

If that isn't what love is I don't know what is x

[pearlsw]

Oh Pearl, I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. BPD is a horrible, horrible disease.

Sending love and hugs.

Hi anxiousandworried,

I saw your reply earlier in the day, but could not reply as I was on my way to the doctor for some injuries. It warmed my heart in ways I can't adequately express.

It seems like various parts of my body are having their own struggle, ankles, knees, feet, my eye... .I'm a mess, but I am still able to laugh at the absurdity of life.  And now I am wearing the Lamborghini of leg casts! ;) (well, just the ankle) It's so fancy, and makes me look like I have a robot leg! hahahaaha.

I really agree with ya! I've been close with people who have had brain tumors, epilepsy, Parkinson's, so many challenging illness, but boy does BPD give all of them a run for their money in terms of how devastating it can be. If it was any other illness, it would be a no brainer to stay by him and support. The hard part here is the illness, well, it attacks me! Ya know what I mean? And it is not even like schizophrenia, my SO's brother has that, and even that seems easier to manage and treat than this does.

He contacted a psychiatrist and a specialist in DBT therapy today. He is pulling out all the stops to get help, though I know it will be hard for him to follow through. Just last week he threw his medication at me, in anger obviously, and said he would never take it again. Luckily he did not really stop, he just delayed taking it by half a day, but still... .he is so unpredictable and simply cannot regulate his emotions.

Anyway, I wrote this while crying harder than I have in ages over him. I've spent the last months numbed out by all this, so you are right, it was nice to be able to cry and mourn over the situation, to tap into the parts of it that bring me pain and not just worry about him all the time, but let myself feel my own emotions. I take such an emotional pounding it is hard to stay in touch with my own feelings at times.

He's told me many times he does not want me to stay with him if I am only staying because he is sick. It is hard though. It is hard to feel like I'd be leaving... .I don't know, it's like leaving someone behind on a battlefield, or, like you say, letting someone drown when you could have lent a hand... .but you are right too. You can't let yourself be pulled down under too. At times I've felt that way, that I was willing to "go down with the ship" of this relationship because... .this just starts to take a huge toll on you... .presents such hopelessness and despair at times... .and knowing if you walked away you could be free of all this suffering. It's not easy!

Thank you so much for the love and hugs, I can't tell you how much that brightened my day that would take the time to write such a kind message to me! Oh, you remind me, one of the best parts of my day was while I was at the store in the city and I wanted to buy some water. The man was stocking up the water, so it was all warm. I went to grab one anyway, and he stopped all he was doing just to reach all the way to the back, digging through all the bottles he'd just stocked up, to find me a cold one. Just that small kindness, and your kindness here... .is all it takes to make a day good! That's all!

with deep gratitude, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Your story reminded me of that case, because what you are doing right now, however hard it is for you, and however it turns out, is an act of love and even if it means that if for a period of time or if for ever you have to walk away from your SO, you will always be able to tell him that you never gave up even when doing so hurt you so deeply.

If that isn't what love is I don't know what is x

Hi Sampson1234@,

What an incredible story of love you have shared here! I thank you so much for sharing this! I was just going over some similar stories about my SO today to this counselor. His kids had been internationally abducted outside of the Schengen area prior to when we met and he feared he would never see them again, then a war started in the country they were being held in and he was able to use that and the laws of that country that favored him as the father when the daughter reached a certain age and he was able to compel his ex to bring his kids of the country.

This is a lot of why I gave him a lot of latitude early on, because it made sense that he was so distraught and not easy to be with. And it was certain that his ex had previously abandoned the kids and had severe mental health issues in her own right. I am still not certain if my SO "has fleas" as they say, from his exposure to her all those years, or what.

He insists he was stable, and everyone would have described him so before the kidnapping. But in time, I have come to suspect that his own issues, while certainly exacerbated by what he went through in his last marriage and from losing his kids, actually go back even further. But is hard to know! He has an interesting feature about him in that he can't really remember a lot of what has happened in his own life. He's a brilliant man, he has a Doctorate in Engineering, was an inventor, and is high functioning in other areas of his life, he has an incredible brain for some things, but still... .

Awww, thank you for your kind words! I really, when we met, I wanted nothing more than to be the best thing that ever happened in his life. And he is sweet at times, would still say that I am... .but oh how I wish we had had an easier go of things. We live in such a beautiful part of the world and it so quiet and peaceful here, we have enough money, we should have been able to have a beautiful life, but for his extreme mental health issues.

I am more at peace now about it... .despite the horrible things I've experienced he's also brought so many interesting and unique things into my life and laughing and making jokes with him, even at the darkest moments of these years, will be a highlight of my life.

Thank you again for taking the time to share this poignant story of love with all of us!

with much, much appreciation, pearl.  

p.s. I am shy, but thank you for compliments! (blushes)

[Chosen]

pearlsw,

Your post brought tears to my eyes.  I can feel your pain, and I can relate because it often seems to me as though I'm trying to help him but he wants no part of it.  The closer somebody gets, and the more somebody cares about him, the more he rejects them.  It's almost as if he would rather have a superficial relationship which looks all happy on the outside, even though he repeatedly tells me he likes it when people tells it just as it is (trust me, he doesn't.  I, as well as some of his family members, have tried.  It never ends well).

I would love to have a therapist to help.  Just to have somebody listen to me, you know?  But this is not to be.  He would never allow this to happen, because it would undoubtedly involve me talking to other people about him, and it's a big no-no in his book.  I can't even secretly go to one, because we have 2 little kids and I'm either at work or with the family.  Sometimes I feel so, so stuck.  But I come here, and I see how hard other nons are trying, despite the hurt and the tears, and it gives me the strength to carry on. 

Samson1234@, thanks for your story.  It also made me cry because just a few days ago I actually did consider leaving the family.  I reckoned that if I'm here and they have to see us argue because I tick uBPDh off, then isn't it better for them not to have a mother, or another one who will not argue with uBPDh?  And the fact that I actually considered this made me feel incredibly sad.  I hope it never ever happens, and for now, I just have to try harder and keep reminding myself that I can't communicate with him the way I do with a non. 

[pearlsw]

I can feel your pain, and I can relate because it often seems to me as though I'm trying to help him but he wants no part of it.  

I would love to have a therapist to help.  Just to have somebody listen to me, you know?  But this is not to be.  

Sometimes I feel so, so stuck.  But I come here, and I see how hard other nons are trying, despite the hurt and the tears, and it gives me the strength to carry on.  
  

Hi Chosen,

Thank you! I was just over replying on your post while you were here replying on mine!  

Yes, it is hard to help someone when they can't see what is wrong. I've been "lucky" in that my SO has always been able to recognize that something is wrong, he may be bipolar or BPD and bipolar for all I know! (PTSD too? ADHD too?) He used to say all the time, burying himself under blankets, "I'm crazy! Please forget what I've said or done! I can't hold myself [meaning control myself] at times!" He feels shame very strongly.

I feel so foolish we didn't get him psychological help sooner after his kids were kidnapped, but the legal battle was so overwhelming there just wasn't the mental space, or the money even, for it. It was all too much and he did not deserve to suffer so.

Not to encourage you to do secret things, but have you tried an online therapist? I  got to talk to one a couple times and she seemed nice. I have less of a need to be heard, I won't be going back to the therapist, though he might be willing to get me therapy if I asked the way he is talking lately. One step at a time, I just want him to have help with his suicidal thoughts, get his medication figured out and get him to the right kind of counselor (per his wishes). It matters to me that he be well for his kids, that is my focus on this, just help him get on a better path. It will bring me a lot of peace of mind if anything could relieve his suffering.

Oh good! I am glad you are here with us so we can pool our strength together and build each other up!  

Thank you so much for talking with us all here!

warmly, pearl.

[isilme]

Him being willing to even consider DBT is pretty huge.  Yes, it will be hard, but it’s the bet he has.  I hope it DPES work.

[Maximum44]

Pearl,

Stay strong.

I really understand the frustration/pain/confusion of wanting to help someone, to take care of them, to keep them safe and happy and not being able to do that.

Max

[pearlsw]

Him being willing to even consider DBT is pretty huge.  Yes, it will be hard, but it’s the bet he has.  I hope it DPES work.

Hi isilme,

Thanks for dropping by!

Yes, it's been quite interesting. He's mentioned therapy a few times, but seems more interested than ever lately. (It is so expensive and insurance won't cover it this year I think, so lotsa money out of pocket. A bummer, but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do.) He knows he is not well. It is very strange, after hundreds of breakup threats (by him) over the years to see him doing all he is, now. I have not cancelled our appointment with the mediator next month though.

I don't want to give him mixed messages, but I do want him to be able to get better, that's what this is about all in all. Him getting his head above water, before I'll even consider any next steps between us.  I'm so grateful that through it all we can laugh at ourselves. He is a really great person to laugh and joke with.

Hope things are well in your neck of the woods, dear! Sending you love and big hugs as always!   

warmly, pearl.

[pearlsw]

Pearl,

Stay strong.

I really understand the frustration/pain/confusion of wanting to help someone, to take care of them, to keep them safe and happy and not being able to do that.

Max

Hi Max, 

I really didn't expect so many people to notice this thread! I dashed it off so quickly and was right back out the door. I'm now sporting a fancy air cast and when I go to the other doctor again today I'm hoping to leave with an eye patch like a pirate! ;) I'm kinda kidding! hee hee.

I appreciate your kind words though!

I saw you had an update on the dogs stuff so I'm gonna head over there and write back to ya! I know how hard it is for you! You are trying so hard too!

I wish this love stuff could be a wee bit easier!

I have to say, I am so surprised by how well my SO handled his 1 hour session. He seemed to stay calm, told her he loved me very much and wanted to make things work, and called his psychiatrist right from there to set up an appointment to reevaluate his meds. He said he was a bit lonely on the train ride back to work, we had to come and go separately because of our schedules, but he remained in good spirits. Maybe I have underestimated his ability in this regard, and I'm sad if I have, but not gonna beat myself up. Cry, yes, but no getting down on pearl for mistakes.

He actually doesn't typically dwell on the past. He only brings up past problems in strange, distorted bits and pieces when he is dysregulated. Not all of it, but a lot, I can depersonalize because it so odd, and I don't deal with not reality. But sometimes he can suck me in and I will start to JADE. At least now I can recognize when I am doing it, and go, okay girl, get off that JADE train!

thank you so much for your support and encouragement, pearl.