Don't know what to do...

[Body&Soul]

Hello, I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and I read about this from there. I have a younger sister (16, I'm 19) and she is uBPD. My mom, her therapist, and sisters therapist thinks she has it but the psychiatrist won't diagnose her. I don't know what to do, from going home to be abused, to the manipulation, to the anger she causes me. I am hurting in that I can't go home anymore because I don't want to deal with her. How do I deal with all the emotional stuff? My mom needs me to help be there for her. For the last 5 years, my dad hasn't really been a big help. I am just looking for support, advice, etc. from other people who have gone through what I'm going through. I can't live like this anymore, I just want to never look back at her but I know I can't. She is my sister. I just really need some advice. Thank you!

[Kwamina]

Hi Body&Soul

Doctors are often reluctant to diagnose children/adolescents with BPD since the brain is still developping. Yet many of our members on the Parenting board would say that the signs indicating BPD were already there when their child was quite young.

In this case your younger sister is the one with possible BPD. In what ways does your sister abuse you and/or others?

Could you tell us a bit more about the manipulaton you refer to?

Do you currently still live at your family home?

I am glad to see you reaching out for advice and hope to read more of your story later. Welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi Body&Soul and welcome to the board.  I am very glad you found us.  Many people have made their way to our site through the eggshells book.  You are in a great place to get support, learn more about the disorder and have access to tools that can help you cope and possibly improve your relationship with your sister.     We also talk about our emotions a lot too.

On this board we are all dealing with a family member who has BPD, either diagnosed or undiagnosed so you are in the right place for sure.  Some of us are just starting out like you and others have moved further along in their healing.  

It is my understanding that some psychiatrists are reluctant to diagnose people with BPD when they are under the age of 18.  Maybe that is why they won't diagnose her?  Is your mother in therapy to get support in dealing with your sister?  Do you go to therapy?  i ask because sometimes it is beneficial to go so you have a safe place (other than here) to talk with someone.  We do get it here though.

How long has your sister been acting out?  What is the most problematic behavior for you to deal with?  You mentioned being angry and it is important to remember that being angry is a perfectly normal and healthy response to abuse.  If you look over on the right side of the page you will see a Survivors Guide with a list.  Each item is clickable and expands to give more information.  Which step do you think you are at?  Know that it is not necessarily a linear process and you may be at more than one step at a time but the guide helps us to focus on what we need to do to heal and gives us an idea of what is normal in the healing process.  

What are your living arrangements now?  Are you in school?

Sorry to hit you with so many questions but it helps to get an idea of your situation so we can help you and refer you to articles that are helpful for your particular situation.

I hope you settle in and post and read and ask questions.  We are all here to help and support each other which is so important.

[isilme]

Body&Soul,

Hi - can you describe your living situation?  Are you living at home now?  Or are you in college and come home when you can?  What does your sister do when you are there that makes you so angry?  Do you share space?  Is there a way to help your mom but avoid your sister?  

It's a very hard thing, but with a pwBPD one of the best things WE can do is learn to not react the way they want.  This sounds strange, but they poke at us, trying to get us to fight, to cry, to feel as they feel inside.  They are usually quite a mess of bad emotional handling.  They don't seem capable of healthy introspection, working through things internally, and need an external focus or target to spew out all the feelings they have inside.  You may have been "painted black", meaning you are the target for all and emotions.  This is not based on you, or anything you have done - it's just what made sense to your sister's internal messy decision-making system.

Its okay to limit contact with people who hurt you, regardless of any DNA-sharing.  Or familial relationships.  My mother and father were horrible to me overall - so I am no longer in contact with either.  I was "lucky" in the fact that my parents isolated me so much from all other family not talking to any family is "normal" for me so the fall out from going NC was minimal.  IN your case, NC is not possible, but you can leave the room if she starts being mean.  You can find an errand to run if that does not work.  This is setting a boundary to protect you from allowing her to control your emotions.  You don't need to accept the anger she throws at you.  The best way to not catch it is to not be there as you can arrange.

[naturalturn]

Hi Body&Soul,

I understand your feelings and it makes sense for you to feel the way you do. Have you tried talking to your mother about limiting contact with your sister? I'm sure your mother wants you to feel safe and take care of yourself and she may be understanding if you start spending less time at home and less time with your sister. It may help her to know that one of her daughters is doing well.

Do you feel guilty for not being at home or for not spending time with your sister?

It's so hard when it's a family member that has BPD, I know I sometimes feel like I can never get away because "they're family." Hugs to you 

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi  Body&Soul,

I’m joining the others to welcome you to our family.

The others have asked some great questions and shared some good information. I hope you’ll pop back in when you’re ready. We really do ‘get it’ here.

 

L2T

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Body&Soul, 

I wanted to join the others and welcome you! I am so glad that you've found our site where you'll find lots of others who will support you and validate you. Please feel free to ask whatever questions you may have, and we'll do our best to help you.   

Wools