Lost and Confused: love him but can't take mental/emotional abuse anymore

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone, new here! Don't know where to start... .here goes. I have been in a relationship with my now fiance for over 4 years. When we first started dating he seemed sweet and thoughtful. There were times he would get angry or agitated over small things.

Later on he tells me the military diagnosed him with BPDdue to his rage issues. It wasn't until these last few months that I have noticed a change in his behaviors. He wants me he doesn't want me and has been very wishy washy. On top of this he has been acting very shady and I have caught him in several lies. I feel as If he blames me for everything. I have really been the only person there for him. He constantly criticizes me, never apologizes or admits fault. He wants me to do more things, I go out and he accuses me of cheating. Yet he is the one changing passwords and turning his phone over. Never leaves it out and it is always with him. I have recently started therapy as no one in my life is supportive of this relationship.

 I am at a breaking point. I am in love with him but can not take the mental and emotional abuse anymore. I feel lost as he is constantly ending our relationship and telling me to leave... .then an hour later it's as if it never happened. So confused... .he will not seek help and I feel so disrespected. I have no where to go as I am in between jobs atm... .things seem so bad at this moment and I struggle with should I stay or leave. Any advice or anything would be appreciated. I hope I posted this correctly,  first time doing this.

[Cheeksie]

Hey everyone, new here! Don't know where to start... .here goes. I have been in a relationship with my now fiance for over 4 years. When we first started dating he seemed sweet and thoughtful. There were times he would get angry or agitated over small things.

Later on he tells me the military diagnosed him with BPDdue to his rage issues. It wasn't until these last few months that I have noticed a change in his behaviors. He wants me he doesn't want me and has been very wishy washy. On top of this he has been acting very shady and I have caught him in several lies. I feel as If he blames me for everything. I have really been the only person there for him. He constantly criticizes me, never apologizes or admits fault. He wants me to do more things, I go out and he accuses me of cheating. Yet he is the one changing passwords and turning his phone over. Never leaves it out and it is always with him. I have recently started therapy as no one in my life is supportive of this relationship.

 I am at a breaking point. I am in love with him but can not take the mental and emotional abuse anymore. I feel lost as he is constantly ending our relationship and telling me to leave... .then an hour later it's as if it never happened. So confused... .he will not seek help and I feel so disrespected. I have no where to go as I am in between jobs atm... .things seem so bad at this moment and I struggle with should I stay or leave. Any advice or anything would be appreciated. I hope I posted this correctly,  first time doing this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Cheeksie,

*Welcome*

Glad you found us!

Thank you for sharing your story! I hope others will join us here and offer some words of support as well, but I can start!

I understand very deeply how hard it is to love someone who is also, in effect, mentally and emotionally abusing you. I too have experienced what you describe, these regular, seemingly unending break up threats. It is very hard, but I would suggest you do your best to stay grounded. What does that mean? Well, I just mean when this first started happening to me I would react every time. I am a non, and have mostly dated people without severe mental illness, so I reacted (for a long time) the way any one would to their partner saying things were over.

I tried to talk, I got hurt and confused, I tried to repair things, nothing seemed to make any sense. At some point I noticed he was pushing the "let's end the relationship now" panic button for every problem big or small. Even just last week he did it 3 times in a day I think. I can't keep track anymore it happens so often. He's been doing this for nearly 8 years now, other members on this site have been dealing with this for decades!

Do you live together? When he tells you to leave what do you do, what can you do? (We can talk more about this in time)

At what points do you notice he says this? What is the pattern? How often is it happening?

Folks who are conflicted tend to post on the Conflicted Board, but it sounds like you may also be interested in learning about the disorder and applying some of the information to help possibly improve things. Is that correct?

Again, I am sorry you are experiencing this, it is one of the main reasons I take the time to post and support here every day, because I do not want others to suffer in confusion or silence over this. I wish I had known much sooner what was going on with all of these breakups/breakup threats, it would have made a huge difference.

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Cheeksie]

We do live together. When he tells me he is done it is usually through a text message. At first when he would threaten me I would pack a bag and leave. Now I try to not react at all. It's confusing because I can never tell if or when he is really done. I really don't want to end our relationship because I am in love with him and I have helped raise his 5 ur old since she was 1. From the books I have read it says that he can not change. My therapist says he needs therapy. He says no... .he expects me to change. I try my best to not engage but I personally suffer from anxiety. My anxiety has been heightened due to his episodes. Feeling alone and misunderstood constantly. Definitely would like to see if there are any techniques I can apply. He just gets so nasty at times... .hard to take. Thank you for responding Pearl.

[pearlsw]

My anxiety has been heightened due to his episodes. Feeling alone and misunderstood constantly. Definitely would like to see if there are any techniques I can apply. He just gets so nasty at times... .hard to take. Thank you for responding Pearl.

Hi Cheeksie,

Yes, I understand. Hearing these words shakes you to the core. For the longest time I believed it every single time. He was so totally convincing. I will be honest, at some point it was like he broke reality for me. Eventually his words lost all meaning. It is powerful and painful stuff.

I think you are on the right track with not believing him, as believable as it is and feels. And I know with all my heart, how horrible it feels. You die a thousand deaths.

But yes, when he says such things try to hear it as "just words", an expression of severe emotional pain that will eventually subside. The real question becomes how to protect yourself. At this point, after years of it, I tend to exit conversations where this comes up,  but he can put a lot of pressure on me to stay in conversations when he is out of balance. He won't let me talk or let me out of the "conversation" and he will badger me with a bunch of questions, accusations, and insults. You will need many skills at once!

I think adopting a matter of fact attitude helps. He says it, you say okay. In my case, deep down, he does not want me to leave him. Do you ever talk with him about how much he does this? Are you able to talk very well at other times?

I am sorry that this causes you so much anxiety. Again, I understand. It is extremely stressful and mind bending. Please come here anytime this is happening. It takes time to learn the tools here, but they can make a difference, but it takes time, patience, and practice!

Interesting, I think if I was getting these via text message I might just say, "Sorry you are feeling bad. Hope you feel better. I'm here if you need me." (Others may have better ideas.) I add in the last part, in my case, so I don't make things worse by making him feel abandoned.

Oh yes, alone and misunderstood, those feel like the bookends of my life. But you are not alone! Many of us here understand and do not want you to suffer!  

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Harri]

Hi Cheeksie!  Nice to meet you!  I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but glad you found us.  You are in the right place to talk and connect with people who are in similar situations.  Things can get better over time.  It takes some work but it can be done.

As a first step, take a look over on the right hand side of the page and you will see some links to articles.  There is a section titled "what is the first step?" and I would suggest starting by reading the link on "Wise Mind".  It is a tool that takes some practice but will help you take care of you by centering yourself.  It is not easy to work on these relationships so self care is vital. 

There are other links that focus on understanding your partners behaviors.  This is important because understanding will help you to depersonalize some of the behaviors.  Some things can be so hurtful but once you understand what is going on it takes the sting away so you can focus on what is important; self care and not making things worse invalidating for example.  Often what we do instinctively is, unfortunately, the exact opposite of what we should be doing.  So take a look at the other basic tool "Don't Be Invalidating".  so many things I thought were right to say turned out to be the worst thing to say (!). 

So please settle in, read, ask questions and post.  It is important to talk with others as it shows you are not alone and it is helpful to work through similar situations with our peers.

Take care.