Relapsed and discouraged

[dubiousraves]

My 21 year old BPD daughter has never had a problem accepting help and has been through all of them: intensive treatments to eating disorder, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, DBT and mentalization. She is more of the quiet BPDer but can scare the hell out of you with the volcanic rage we have all seen.

We were finally starting to sleep better and not panic when the phone rang. She found some part-time work babysitting and loved it, she broke up with her controlling narcissistic boyfriend (yay!) and reconnected with some old friends she knew before she got sick. She still smokes weed everyday but was respecting our wishes not to see or smell any of it. We thought maybe she was recovering and were really hopeful.

She decided to go back to college on the other side of the country and share an apt with a friend. We applauded her independence. Well, she got into a conflict with the friend over which bedroom each would have in the new apt and got triggered. She had a complete screaming meltdown, cancelled her flight, refuses to go back to school and cut off her friend. We already signed a lease for a year on this apt and now have to figure out what to do about that.

I hate this illness, it really is a chronic and persistent disorder. Does the self sabotage ever end? I’m wondering if she’ll ever be an independent adult.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Oh dubiousraves  I'm so sorry to hear this, you've worked hard as a family and seen real progress and I think it amazing your daughter took the courageous step to go back to college and all the other changes she's made along the way, she sounds a determined young woman. I'm in a similar situation, there certainly will be challenges to manage. At the mo DD is looking to attend a DBT refresher course, I think it important she keep in touch and connected with fellow suffers working hard. Does the self sabotage ever end, I think that's exactly what they are work to turn around everyday? A work in progress.

When did this happen?

Big hugs to you, hang in there.  

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Hello dubiousraves,

I too, like wendydarling, just want to say how sorry I am to hear of this setback, it must be really frustrating for you after things were going so well.

I hope that you can manage to sort something out with your daughter once she has had time to process her actions and becomes more settled.

Hang on in there x 

[Merlot]

Hi dubiousraves

The rollercoaster ride that is so commonly referred to on this board is certainly giving you some cause to catch your breath.  I'm sorry for the downward turn but know that their will be another up.

There were so many times with my DD, when she was un-diagnosed that I thought she had turned a corner, pride and trust for her crept back in, only to be confronted again by extreme behaviour "Volcanic rages" sums it up well - that seemed to come out of nowhere; cutting people off is her go to tool of denial and manipulation.

In terms of self sabotage; My DD told my youngest daughter  month ago that she was seeing a psychologist for chronic anxiety (even though she was diagnosed 3 years ago now - which she is in denial about).  My youngest asked her if the psychologist was good.  My DD told her "no I don't think she's very good at all... .she told me I had to stop being the victim... .but I am the victim". 

So, I can really relate to all you say.  At the moment, I am NC after a massive rage in January.

I think as parents we need to stay modelling calm, strong and loving behaviour; we are there no matter what, loving them while protecting ourselves.

Take care 
Merlot