Just starting to turn a corner and then an email.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I would read on here these types of emails, We were NC for 5 months and then out of nowhere a text and think there is no way my ex would do that. She isn't the type and she definitely hates me (according to her last texts). But then out of the blue i get an email. I am now in the 'out of the blue an email' club!

We have been NC since june and split after 2 very up and down years together in Jan. She is undiagnosed but has lots of BPD traits. The break up was extremely hard. I was very low for a long time and i am just starting to get my stuff together, including a possible new r/s on the horizon. My ex owes me a significant sum of cash and even though we are NC she has been transferring £100 to my account once a month. I would always send an email when i received the money saying thank you and i hope life is treating you well. I have never once had a response. I feel the need to respind when she sends me the money as i think its right to say thanks and be polite. I talked it through with my T. She said just say thank you as you feel the need to be polite but don't enquire after her. So this time i just send thank you and nothing else and two days later i get a reply asking how i am and whats going on in my life and we should meet for a coffee sometime to catch up.

I am a bit all over the place. Its taken such a long time to get to where i am in terms of self care and being happy and i could feel the detaching starting to happen. I would have killed to get an email like this 2 months ago. At the moment i am 50/50 but i know it should be 100% no. She can't be happy and she will drag me down. But i am tempted. what to do.

[toughday]

I would read on here these types of emails, We were NC for 5 months and then out of nowhere a text and think there is no way my ex would do that. She isn't the type and she definitely hates me (according to her last texts). But then out of the blue i get an email. I am now in the 'out of the blue an email' club!

We have been NC since june and split after 2 very up and down years together in Jan. She is undiagnosed but has lots of BPD traits. The break up was extremely hard. I was very low for a long time and i am just starting to get my stuff together, including a possible new r/s on the horizon. My ex owes me a significant sum of cash and even though we are NC she has been transferring £100 to my account once a month. I would always send an email when i received the money saying thank you and i hope life is treating you well. I have never once had a response. I feel the need to respind when she sends me the money as i think its right to say thanks and be polite. I talked it through with my T. She said just say thank you as you feel the need to be polite but don't enquire after her. So this time i just send thank you and nothing else and two days later i get a reply asking how i am and whats going on in my life and we should meet for a coffee sometime to catch up.

I am a bit all over the place. Its taken such a long time to get to where i am in terms of self care and being happy and i could feel the detaching starting to happen. I would have killed to get an email like this 2 months ago. At the moment i am 50/50 but i know it should be 100% no. She can't be happy and she will drag me down. But i am tempted. what to do.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey td, I suggest you hit the pause button rather than feel compelled to react to her message.  That way, you can take the time to formulate a response, or no response, that is best for you.  I recommend you take a day, or longer, in order to let the water clear and see what your gut feeling is about whether you want to reply and, if so, what you want to say.  Make sense?

LuckyJim

[once removed]

how did things end?

when things end on a bad note, theres usually some regret on both sides. as resentment fades, the regret outweighs it, if it doesnt also grow. so its not uncommon for a person to reach out, want to repair that bridge, end on a better note, say "im okay, youre okay."

do you think thats what this is? how are you holding up? you can always politely say thank you, maybe in the future, if youre not ready.

[Chitchat]

January - June, hate texts; June - October, payments but no acknowledgment of your acknowledgments. Now, coffee?

In May I refused repayment of a debt ($200/month) saying the cost to me in constant drama would outweigh the benefit, and wrote the debt off. But my ex was insistent. That took two scenes, and they opened the way to a continuation of dysfunctional normality. Looking back, I definitely paid a very heavy price for relaxing my initial resolve. Another way of putting it would be that I got closure of a sort, at a heavy price. But that's life.

[Mutt]

January - June, hate texts; June - October, payments but no acknowledgment of your acknowledgments. Now, coffee?

It doesn’t make sense, a pwBPD have a history of chaotic r/s’s m, she doesn’t have healthy skills to maintain a r/s, she’s angry, ignored your messages then she act as if nothing happens. She could try to repair the r/s, a pwBPD can’t.

You were split black when you got the hate texts and now it sounds like you are split white you didn’t expect this behaviour and she caught you at a time where you’re not fully recovered that makes it that much tougher.

If you feel like you’re halfway there or at 50% she will set you back focus on taking care of you, focus on working your way to a 100% before thinking about going out for coffee. Like your T said be nice treat the repayments like a business transaction, act detached don’t show her emotion in your responses.

[Chitchat]

Hi Mutt

The first two lines are quoting toughday (I still can't get quotes to work for me , not sure if that's clear.

Otherwise, Mutt, I think everything you say is probably sound advice:

*As your T says, be nice treat the repayments like a business transaction, act detached don’t show her emotion in your responses.*

But, toughday, I understand why after so long with your ex you would hope there's something more.

Taking BPD out of the equation, you are feeling 50%, your ex lacked respect, and one invitation to coffee to 'catch up' is putting you through 'Should I go no contact?' pains all over again.

Did you want to meet up? Does your gut say you led your ex on with the 'How are you?' emails? Or is this invitation a bit off?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi toughday,

What are the things that are priorities to you right now?  Maybe make a list.  You could do it here, if that helps.  Think about just you, nobody else. 

Then I suggest really looking at that list of what is important to you at present and consider whether going for a coffee with your ex whom you're in the process of recovering from breakup with fits in with those priorities.  This should help you decide what is best for you. 

The key thing to ask yourself is whether your motivation for or against lies with what is good for you or what is good for how she feels or what she wants right now.  Bear in mind that she is behaving from the current emotion she feels and those feelings as you know can change fairly quickly.  How are you likely to feel if you see her?  If the answer to that is fine, then there is no harm in meeting up for a chat. 

If you decide on balance to meet and see what happens, then do so with your list of what is important to you right now fixed firmly in your mind.  You will want to approach this meeting from a place of knowing what your values are and honouring them in your interaction.  Come at it from a place of Wisemind, neither driven entirely by your emotional response, nor a place of total detachment.  Be true to yourself. 

We're here to walk with you whatever you choose. 

Love and light x

[MeandThee29]

I've been there a number of times. Nothing and then he's interested in what is happening with me.

Trying to be kind, I provide a few details. We go back-and-forth via email.

Then he wants to get together to work out a plan to get back together on his terms. No counselling, no accountability, and only with the intent to live where he wants away from my friends, our young adults, and my work. I'd be his prisoner, figuratively speaking.

Nope. And of course it escalates again until he says he's going no-contact.

If they don't respect you as an individual, you don't need to be around them. We might tolerate that at work for a time, but in intimate relationships, we have a choice.

A counsellor once had me write out a summary of what went on and what my criteria are. So I re-read that and held the line. And of course it escalated with more ultimatums and drastic steps. He went no contact again.

Hold your ground. Self-respect is important.

[toughday]

Thanks everyone some very good suggestions and advice here. I like the idea of making a list of my priorities and waht i want. i think that helps in maintaining focus on my improvement. I don't think its a coincidence that since her email i have been suffering from anxiety. This is totally out of kilter with how i have been feeling lately. I am quite surprised to ghet this reaction as i thought i would have progressed beyond this as i don't really feel connected to her in the same way.

I have to admit i replied and said a meet would be good. Perhaps out of curiosity as to her motivation for meeting. I'm fairly sure its not because i have hope of getting back but i can't be 100%. I honestly think she could be a mind reader as she wants to meet on the exact same day as when i am meeting up with someone i quite like for a first date. its like she has a sixth sense. this isn't the frist time this has happened. She seems to know when i am moving on and reach out at these moments. But always ignores my texts and emails at other times.

This would be the first time we have met when i have been aware of BPD. she is undiagnosed and also i think unaware of it at all but i get the sense she knoiws somethings not quite right as she is 42 now and the pattern has repeated so many times.

I may still yet back out of the meet. We'll see. i think perhaps i should.

Thanks again for all the advice this place is great

[Chitchat]

Good luck

[Harley Quinn]

If you do go, is there plenty of time between your two arrangements?  I can imagine that it might be very uncomfortable coming under scrutiny over whether you're dating when she raises that topic.  I say when because it's highly likely in a catch up.  Let us know what you decide and how things go if you go ahead. 

Love and light x 

[toughday]

If you do go, is there plenty of time between your two arrangements?  I can imagine that it might be very uncomfortable coming under scrutiny over whether you're dating when she raises that topic.  I say when because it's highly likely in a catch up.  Let us know what you decide and how things go if you go ahead. 

Love and light x 

Thanks HQ,

I have decided to meet up with the ex... .although in reality i'm not sure its a great idea. We spoke on the phone and it was very strange at first but we chatted for 30 mins and it settled down. She did say that she just wanted a catch up and there was nothing more behind it. She sounded happy and balanced and in a good place. She has an amazing energy about her. And when its good she is great company and that was there in the call and i did find myself wishing it could have worked out. But that energy can also be very dysfunctional and i really have to keep that in mind.
Even within this good call there was a moment. She initially said in her email she couldn't do this sunday. Chatting on the phone she suggested this sunday and i said i thought you couldn't make it. she denied saying that. I had to go back and check and she definitely did. Maybe a mild push and pull or just a ___ memory. Who knows.

already been on the first date with the other woman too so all good there. this might be for another thread but i really think the new girkls displays quite a lot of BPD traits but not sure if i am just seeing things that aren't there. she is super keen. told her friend that she thinks i might be the guy she has kids with. a bit much considering weve met a few times chatted on the phone a bit and had one date.

she is lovely though. Anyhow i think i am doing the exact opposite of wha i should with my ex but i can't seem to stop.

enough rambling thanks for the ear. my T doesnt really get BPD so this place really is helpful for me.

[Harley Quinn]

How's it going tough?

If your T doesn't have experience of BPD, are you still feeling that you're getting the support you need there right now?  Sometimes when working on post relationship stuff, it can be more ourselves that we need to move towards thinking about, so having that knowledge may not be a necessity.

I'm interested to know if you have met up with your ex?

Love and light x

[toughday]

How's it going tough?

If your T doesn't have experience of BPD, are you still feeling that you're getting the support you need there right now?  Sometimes when working on post relationship stuff, it can be more ourselves that we need to move towards thinking about, so having that knowledge may not be a necessity.

I'm interested to know if you have met up with your ex?

Love and light x

Thanks for the thought HQ, my T isn't great with BPD but she has been brilliant for me. The work that we have done has changed my life. As you say the most important thing is to work on myself and she has been such a positive influence that if she struggles to understand what i have been through and why i am struggling at times to move on she just brings it back to me and what i need to feel good about myself.

Ultimately it always comes down to us and how much we value ourselves. I am so much happier and i have a balance in my life now that would have been unthinkable at the start of the year.

So to the ex... i am meeting her today for a coffee and a cake. I am still unsure if its the right thing to do. She has been nothing but positive and light in her texting and talking so far and i don't expect it to get weird. I don't think dating will come up as its a subject we have always avoided in the past.

It will certainly be an indication of where i am in my recovery.

[Harley Quinn]

It's great to hear that your therapy is going well and you're feeling good for it. 

When you meet up with your ex, pay attention to the feelings and thoughts that come up for you. Just observe them and take note.  I'd be interested to hear how it goes.  It's good that you feel ready to challenge yourself in this way and you may find that all your self work has really paid off.  It will certainly be a learning experience I'm sure. Will you let us know how you're feeling afterwards?

Love and light x

[Zemmma]

Oh my goodness. Please let us know how it goes.

I am a romantic and want to believe you can have a nice meet up and walk away feeling whole with a resolve to continue down your healing path.

But some of your words are worrisome. This feeling that you know better but can't stop yourself from meeting up. My experience has been that I am always more hooked in than I thought and willing to throw progress out the window for another fix- whatever is on offer.

Just with this one dysfunctional relationship.

I hope you have a good experience. Maybe you will gain some insights and become aware of your increased detachment... Maybe you will meet up and think, that was nice, but what's the big deal about this person anyways... ? That would be the hope. . Wishing you the best!

[Chitchat]

Good to hear from you again, tough day  

Most of us are probably romantics here, and I am with Z in hoping for you. See, we can't help hoping for you, even if you are not hoping.

Seriously, I can see your concern. Even if it doesn't get weird, the intimacy is still fresh.

I guess you could be having the coffee and cake right now. Let's hope you enjoy your treat. What kind of cake?

Chitchat

[Harley Quinn]

What kind of cake?

  This made me laugh.  Another cake fan Chitchat?  I ought to add it to my 'official list of things that help one recover from a BPD r/s' as it got me through some tough times alright!

So toughday, how are you feeling after your meet up (and cake)?

Love and light x

[Zemmma]

Also so curious to hear... .

I hope it went well and that you are okay.

[CryWolf]

Please update us when ready