My SO has confirmed BPD, I do not want to make her worse.

[Depression = 72% of members]

     My significant other told me that she thought she was borderline, early in our relationship.  I did not think much of it;  she is very high functioning.   We purchased a house together, and she split on me, due to perceiving something I said as a lie, and I had my own brief medical concern.  I gave her the house, as she is the one who put the majority of the money down.  We both worked on a very busy trauma unit in a hospital.  She remains employed there, I do not.   She broke up with me, for reasons I struggle to understand.  I was not able to live up to her expectations.  She clearly loves me, and is struggling with feelings that her love for me "changed"  She lied to her family about my actions towards her, and then uses their altered perception to justify her devaluation of me.  She then seeks the universal acceptance of a mother clearly unwilling to provide it.    While, I have dealt with all sorts of behaviors working in medicine, my understanding of BPD was sadly lacking.  Now that I realize she is confirmed BPD,  I am trying to increase my knowledge of the disorder.   She is bouncing between finding me the cause of all her ills in life,  that I ruined her 'perfect relationship' to telling me that she still loves me.   I do not doubt that her love is genuine. She is a gifted medical professional, and clearly a very decent and gentile soul.  Outside of the workplace she is almost child like with her management of the day to day aspects of living.
     I have not unloved this woman,  I moved out and respected her wishes.   I have managed my own medical illness with therapy and medical intervention.  While I miss our relationship, she views relationships as extremely black or white.  I do not wish to hurt her more, she is struggling with her identity and loneliness in our home, and she has limited coping mechanisms.   I have attempted to support her, I do not wish to be disingenuous, but sometimes my feelings and opinions clearly hurt her.   Other times she seeks me out, clearly struggling to form her own identity. I will communicate honestly with her, but what can I do to avoid making her feel worse?   

Thank you all for you time and insight.  This is a very new experience for me.

[thegingertum]

     My significant other told me that she thought she was borderline, early in our relationship.  I did not think much of it;  she is very high functioning.   We purchased a house together, and she split on me, due to perceiving something I said as a lie, and I had my own brief medical concern.  I gave her the house, as she is the one who put the majority of the money down.  We both worked on a very busy trauma unit in a hospital.  She remains employed there, I do not.   She broke up with me, for reasons I struggle to understand.  I was not able to live up to her expectations.  She clearly loves me, and is struggling with feelings that her love for me "changed"  She lied to her family about my actions towards her, and then uses their altered perception to justify her devaluation of me.  She then seeks the universal acceptance of a mother clearly unwilling to provide it.    While, I have dealt with all sorts of behaviors working in medicine, my understanding of BPD was sadly lacking.  Now that I realize she is confirmed BPD,  I am trying to increase my knowledge of the disorder.   She is bouncing between finding me the cause of all her ills in life,  that I ruined her 'perfect relationship' to telling me that she still loves me.   I do not doubt that her love is genuine. She is a gifted medical professional, and clearly a very decent and gentile soul.  Outside of the workplace she is almost child like with her management of the day to day aspects of living.
     I have not unloved this woman,  I moved out and respected her wishes.   I have managed my own medical illness with therapy and medical intervention.  While I miss our relationship, she views relationships as extremely black or white.  I do not wish to hurt her more, she is struggling with her identity and loneliness in our home, and she has limited coping mechanisms.   I have attempted to support her, I do not wish to be disingenuous, but sometimes my feelings and opinions clearly hurt her.   Other times she seeks me out, clearly struggling to form her own identity. I will communicate honestly with her, but what can I do to avoid making her feel worse?   

Thank you all for you time and insight.  This is a very new experience for me.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi thegingertum,



I am glad that you found us! There is so much to learn and know about these issues. Take a look at the lessons to the right of the board when you get a chance.   

They are a good introduction to the issues you two are facing. Don't despair though. This is a spectrum disorder and it therefore does not look the same on everyone! Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells? It helps a lot of people get oriented on these issues as well.

My SO is high functioning also and only has about 4 of the traits that I typically notice, though he might say he has more. Him being so high functioning made it very hard for me to figure out what was going on at first, I just knew something was off.

Is your partner getting any kind of treatment? Or interested in that?

You mention being worried you are setting this off at times. Can you please give us an example of how something went awry?

sincerely, pearl.

[thegingertum]

   She had discontinued treatment a few months before we met,  about a year and a half ago. I spoke to her tonight, as she was feeling insecure about her competence for a shift at the hospital we both worked at.  She told me that she sees that she is having a difficult time, and is going to reconnect with her therapist.  She broke up with me, just a week ago after meeting my therapist, agreeing that we both have issues, as asking that we seek couples therapy.
  I set her off into a rage earlier this week. Her reasoning for the break up, while she has valid criticisms of my behavior, she has admitted to lying to her family, and engaged as a proxy of their demands. She has been inconsistent in her views regarding the situation, and very labile with her emotions.     
    She has been very black and white with her views of behavior,  I have certainly upset her with every shade of gray I could throw in an argument.  I plastered her with every what if, this thing was really this thing before I realized that she was asking for help with her feelings of nothingness... .

[BeagleGirl]

thegingertum,
How have things been going the past couple days?  Have you had a chance to do any of the reading pearlsw suggested? 

You mentioned that you tend to throw a lot of "gray" into an argument and that you feel that triggers some of her frustration and poor behavior.  I can definitely relate, as I tend to want to see (and show others) the other side of every argument and present and explore a lot of different options for response.  This can be overwhelming even for some of my non-BPD friends. 

I found that using SET (Support, Empathy, Truth - https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict) and learning not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) helped my dBPDxh feel more "heard" and helped us have more productive conversations.  Have you read up on these tools yet? 

Please let us know how things are going and if you have any specific situations that you want help dealing with.

Best Wishes,
BeagleGirl