oh, my mother...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,
This is my first post.  What brings me here is my mother.  She has been hospitalized multiple times in adulthood, mostly in the past few years.  Most recently she has cut off all contact with me and has not seen me or my kids in a month or so.  I'll give you some history.

She has been diagnosed with depression previously, and has other medical issues such as diabetes, etc. I met with her doctor after visiting with her last time she was hospitalized because of adjusted to new psych meds.  My mom hasnt been diagnosed specifically  with BPD but has been diagnosed with bipolar (unspecified type one or two) but she scores moderately on the BPD assessment.  I read Stop Walking on Eggshells and another similar book and it was recommended to join a forum with people going through similar issues.

Both of my parents were fairly strict and my mother in addition was verbally and physically aggressive... .screaming fits, pushing me around, condescending remarks.  She never participated in going to my sports or music events, the excuse at the time was that she was too tired from her job and/or medical problems.  (As of recently she said that she really just wasnt interested in those types of activities, so i dont know which, if not both, is true).  My dad did the main parenting of me and my sister.  He took us places, camping, our school events.  I maintained a normal parent-child relationship with my father and he plays an active part in my children's lives.  I was a very good student and always made the honor roll, I never partied.  I always tried to do well and please my parents. 

Fast forward to two years ago.  I divorced my husband and lived with my parents until I bought a house of my own.  My mother retired from her job because she couldnt handle it anymore.  (physically but also had issues with coworkers).  She rarely has left her bedroom the past few years.  My father cooks, cleans, pays bills, gives her food, goes shopping, etc.  Basically caters to her every need.  When we found out my dad needed life threatening heart surgery, she sounded more concerned about herself and what she was going through.  I suggested changing our diets to something healthier and she blew up.  Threatened to kick me out.  My dad, who wasnt supposed to be under stress, had to leave the house to calm down.  She does occasionally get out of the house when she wants to do something, such as when a friend out of town visits.  Or going to the casino with a friend overnight and not returning until dawn.  The rest of the time she may go to a family function, such as my son's bday party, but will make a show by leaving before anyone else so she can go home to bed, and makes sure everyone knows what present they got my child.

I bought my own place a few minutes away.  My dad is handy and has come over to help with with things around the house or to watch my kids when i go to work.  My mother has been resentful of this.  The second to last time she was hospitalized she told the doctor she was suicidal.    My sister and I were overwhelmed by this and got very emotional.  Due to our complex emotions and not wanting to instigate further suicidal thoughts we didnt visit her at the hospital.  I made a huge mistake by posting something on social media supporting suicidal people in reference to my mom.  She resented being "ousted" and was embarassed.  I have apologized twice to her.  I said I was emotional and wanted to show I supported her.  This was obviously a mistake.  She later said she had lied about being suicidal in order to be admitted.  (recently she told her counselor she really had been suicidal, so im not sure on the truth)

This past time she was in the hospital it was being she had an episode (first ever) of mania after the doctors changed her psych meds.  My dad couldnt handle her anger and mania and said she had to be admitted.  This time I went to visit and she sat at her desk with her back to me and gave me dismissive and short responses to the questions i asked.  I met with her doctor before I left.  I wanted to talk to the doctor about my concerns (doctor didnt disclose anything about her, just listened and gave me resources such as that book i read).  The doctor wasnt aware that her illness had extended for most of my life since childhood.  She recommended family counseling.

My mother scheduled this family counseling session with a counselor she had used for herself before. Right after the session started my mother took control of the conversation to say how she feels misunderstood and other complaints focusing the attention on herself.  Both my sister and I put together notes on how we were feeling and how we wanted things to improve. The counselor said what I wrote was very kind.  After hearing how I didnt visit her in the hospital (I did though, she somehow forgot) and hearing how she was claiming she has been ill for only two years, I let the counselor know the full extent of her illness.  Of course this was viewed as an attack and how I didnt see a counselor for my divorce (I had done seven months of marital counseling by myself, saw my doctor and pastor and also brought my kids to family counseling)  When this didnt work she walked out.  After she left I continued to answer questions the counselor had about my mom and wanted to know about the abuse I had.  My dad sat and listened.

I didnt contact them for a few days after so we could all cool down.  My sister's child had a very high fever and my parents didnt know so I called to tell them.  As soon as I answered my father said they needed time away from me.  My mom was shouting obscenities at me in the background.  It took a couple of minutes for me to get through to them that their grandchild was very ill.

I havent had contact with my parents other than my dad asking to see my kids, which I granted.  Im not allowing them to be around my mother as I view her as emotionally unstable and has the potential to be abusive if provoked.

I'm not sure how to proceed from here.  i dont plan on initiating contact.  I'm bitter about this "punishment" as it reminds me of the times when I was a child when this was done to extended family.  How do I deal with holidays?  How do I deal when they want to start talking to me again?

I'm sorry this is so long.

[whiskeytango]

Hello everyone,
This is my first post.  What brings me here is my mother.  She has been hospitalized multiple times in adulthood, mostly in the past few years.  Most recently she has cut off all contact with me and has not seen me or my kids in a month or so.  I'll give you some history.

She has been diagnosed with depression previously, and has other medical issues such as diabetes, etc. I met with her doctor after visiting with her last time she was hospitalized because of adjusted to new psych meds.  My mom hasnt been diagnosed specifically  with BPD but has been diagnosed with bipolar (unspecified type one or two) but she scores moderately on the BPD assessment.  I read Stop Walking on Eggshells and another similar book and it was recommended to join a forum with people going through similar issues.

Both of my parents were fairly strict and my mother in addition was verbally and physically aggressive... .screaming fits, pushing me around, condescending remarks.  She never participated in going to my sports or music events, the excuse at the time was that she was too tired from her job and/or medical problems.  (As of recently she said that she really just wasnt interested in those types of activities, so i dont know which, if not both, is true).  My dad did the main parenting of me and my sister.  He took us places, camping, our school events.  I maintained a normal parent-child relationship with my father and he plays an active part in my children's lives.  I was a very good student and always made the honor roll, I never partied.  I always tried to do well and please my parents. 

Fast forward to two years ago.  I divorced my husband and lived with my parents until I bought a house of my own.  My mother retired from her job because she couldnt handle it anymore.  (physically but also had issues with coworkers).  She rarely has left her bedroom the past few years.  My father cooks, cleans, pays bills, gives her food, goes shopping, etc.  Basically caters to her every need.  When we found out my dad needed life threatening heart surgery, she sounded more concerned about herself and what she was going through.  I suggested changing our diets to something healthier and she blew up.  Threatened to kick me out.  My dad, who wasnt supposed to be under stress, had to leave the house to calm down.  She does occasionally get out of the house when she wants to do something, such as when a friend out of town visits.  Or going to the casino with a friend overnight and not returning until dawn.  The rest of the time she may go to a family function, such as my son's bday party, but will make a show by leaving before anyone else so she can go home to bed, and makes sure everyone knows what present they got my child.

I bought my own place a few minutes away.  My dad is handy and has come over to help with with things around the house or to watch my kids when i go to work.  My mother has been resentful of this.  The second to last time she was hospitalized she told the doctor she was suicidal.    My sister and I were overwhelmed by this and got very emotional.  Due to our complex emotions and not wanting to instigate further suicidal thoughts we didnt visit her at the hospital.  I made a huge mistake by posting something on social media supporting suicidal people in reference to my mom.  She resented being "ousted" and was embarassed.  I have apologized twice to her.  I said I was emotional and wanted to show I supported her.  This was obviously a mistake.  She later said she had lied about being suicidal in order to be admitted.  (recently she told her counselor she really had been suicidal, so im not sure on the truth)

This past time she was in the hospital it was being she had an episode (first ever) of mania after the doctors changed her psych meds.  My dad couldnt handle her anger and mania and said she had to be admitted.  This time I went to visit and she sat at her desk with her back to me and gave me dismissive and short responses to the questions i asked.  I met with her doctor before I left.  I wanted to talk to the doctor about my concerns (doctor didnt disclose anything about her, just listened and gave me resources such as that book i read).  The doctor wasnt aware that her illness had extended for most of my life since childhood.  She recommended family counseling.

My mother scheduled this family counseling session with a counselor she had used for herself before. Right after the session started my mother took control of the conversation to say how she feels misunderstood and other complaints focusing the attention on herself.  Both my sister and I put together notes on how we were feeling and how we wanted things to improve. The counselor said what I wrote was very kind.  After hearing how I didnt visit her in the hospital (I did though, she somehow forgot) and hearing how she was claiming she has been ill for only two years, I let the counselor know the full extent of her illness.  Of course this was viewed as an attack and how I didnt see a counselor for my divorce (I had done seven months of marital counseling by myself, saw my doctor and pastor and also brought my kids to family counseling)  When this didnt work she walked out.  After she left I continued to answer questions the counselor had about my mom and wanted to know about the abuse I had.  My dad sat and listened.

I didnt contact them for a few days after so we could all cool down.  My sister's child had a very high fever and my parents didnt know so I called to tell them.  As soon as I answered my father said they needed time away from me.  My mom was shouting obscenities at me in the background.  It took a couple of minutes for me to get through to them that their grandchild was very ill.

I havent had contact with my parents other than my dad asking to see my kids, which I granted.  Im not allowing them to be around my mother as I view her as emotionally unstable and has the potential to be abusive if provoked.

I'm not sure how to proceed from here.  i dont plan on initiating contact.  I'm bitter about this "punishment" as it reminds me of the times when I was a child when this was done to extended family.  How do I deal with holidays?  How do I deal when they want to start talking to me again?

I'm sorry this is so long.

[Turkish]

That's a lot to deal with 

I'm glad that your dad stepped up where your mother couldn't or wouldn't,  but it sounds like right now he's retreated to his usual dynamic of caretaking your mother,  despite his health issues.  Do you feel like still feeling responsible for her in some way?

I'm asking due to you telling her about your sister's child. It can be stressful to get in the middle of things,  and it might be less stressful to let your sister handle such things,  if even your parents need to know things like that.  You have enough on your plate.

Holidays are a bit away.  Do you think given your relationship with your dad that things might calm a bit over a few weeks?

[Harri]

Hi whiskeytango and welcome!  You are definitely in the right place to figure out the answers to your questions. The good news is that many have been there done that and can help guide you as you answer your own questions.  The other good news is that this is a safe and supportive place to be.  Don't underestimate the help you can get by posting on an internet board like we have here.  Like I said, we can help guide you and we have tools and strategies you can use to help navigate your way to a better relationship if that is the road you choose.  

A good place to start is to settle in and read and post in other peoples threads.  We learn so much form each other and sometimes seeing other peoples situations can help us find answers to our own.  Also, learning about the disorder and the associated behaviors can be very helpful in terms of depersonalizing the behaviors.  I don't mean they won't still hurt, but they will hurt less and in turn understanding them will allow you to figure out how to respond and make good choices for you rather than getting caught up in old dynamics and old patterns of behavior.

As a start, take a look over on the right hand side of the page.  We have a Survivor's Guide which can help you identify where you are at and what you can work on at each stage, though they are in no way linear or set in stone for everyone.  We also have links to Lessons that are quite helpful.  You will notice that Taking Care of Yourself is listed first as this is vital.

It is good that you are aware that your mothers behaviors can be abusive and are protecting your children.  How old are they?  

Another thing I want to mention is that your fathers response of saying he needs time alone is not uncommon at all.  He is receiving the brunt of your moms behaviors and unfortunately the non parent will frequently do what they have to to make their own lives easier.  I am not saying that to defend him or make excuses.  It happens.  I just want to give you a possible alternative perspective.  As you post more we can help you figure out what you think might be happening.  In the meantime though, the Silent Treatment is, in my opinion, one of the cruelest things to do to someone.  It is abuse.  

Sorry, I am sort of rambling tonight.  I don't want to make too many assumptions about your situation and I also don't want to throw a bunch of info at you either.  I hope  you post more and hang around so we can get to know you better.  I think you will find a lot of us can realte and perhaps more importantly, can help.

Take care.

[whiskeytango]

That's a lot to deal with 

I'm glad that your dad stepped up where your mother couldn't or wouldn't,  but it sounds like right now he's retreated to his usual dynamic of caretaking your mother,  despite his health issues.  Do you feel like still feeling responsible for her in some way?

I'm asking due to you telling her about your sister's child. It can be stressful to get in the middle of things,  and it might be less stressful to let your sister handle such things,  if even your parents need to know things like that.  You have enough on your plate.

Holidays are a bit away.  Do you think given your relationship with your dad that things might calm a bit over a few weeks?

My dad has always been the peacemaker and fence mender.  His intentions are good but I think he allows her to function as a very decreased level rather than letting her do things herself.  She is completely able to take her own medicine, to cook, to clean, to shop if she had do.  My dad does it because he doesnt want to fight and argue.  My mom can be extremely verbally aggressive and downright mean.  He makes excuses for her.

Regarding my sister, ironically she's not speaking to me right now because of something unrelated.  I said something that upset her and I apologized.  Apparently that wasnt enough because she starting telling me off and overstepped the line.  I didnt retort I just stopped responding.  She's still in contact with my parents.  Her behavior is worrying to me.

Ever since I divorced my uncaring and selfish ex, I have been working on speaking up for myself and not letting people tell me how i should live my life.  I lived for 12 years with a husband telling me how we will live and if I had a different opinion i was a bad person.  Also growing up trying to please my parents, i never really had the confidence to speak for myself or live the life I wanted to live.  It seems like im being punished for speaking up.  When I hold my boundaries on certain issues, I dont put others down or do so angrily.  An example:  My mother asked me if I wanted to see a picture of my aunts new boyfriend.  My aunts husband committed suicide on new years eve this year and it was only a few months after that happened.  I declined.  I was told im too opinionated.  I tried explaining that her boyfriend was technically still married, this was her first relationship since being married 20 something years ago, and her son was devastated having his father die.  Apparently this didnt matter.

I'm doing ok being by myself with no contact.  I'm a single mom taking care of two boys 50% of the time and I work hard at my job.  I take care of most things around my house.  I have a boyfriend and friends to help if I needed anything.  But I do miss my dad.  I hope he does come around in time.  I told him for his health he needs to stop trying to mediate things with me and mom.  Just be my dad.  let me and mom handle our issues.  One of my choices was that if I speak with my mother again that it will be in front of her psychiatrists.  I need a professional to mediate that knows her and her history.  My kids arent allowed to go to their house anymore.  I dont want them thinking that my parents relationship is normal.  I dont want to expose them to any aggression or abusive language.

Some days my heart is heavy but im doing my best.