Sister with BPD

[quietgirl]

 
I recently came to understand my sister suffers with BPD.  We have known that she has suffered with mental illness her whole life, but recent event have brought this diagnosis to the forefront.  Her behavior is tearing our family apart.  The people taking the biggest toll is my parents.  She is so dysfunctional that she has been living with them on and off the past 5 years, even as an adult. 
Looking to discuss with others who have a sibling with BPD and how they manage.  Its not like I can end the relationship. 

She has really fallen down into despair this summer. Hospitalized several times, on and off her medication which is what caused it, suicidal.  We just don't know what to do anymore.

Anyone else here to discuss?

[Harri]

Hi quietgirl and welcome to the board.  You are in the right place to talk with others who have a family member with BPD.   We have several posters who are dealing with a BPD sibling as well. 

What led you to discover BPD?  A counselor I was seeing years ago mentioned it to me as a possibility for my mothers behaviors. 

Dealing with suicide threats and attempts is very difficult and I am sorry you are experiencing that.  Is your sister receiving therapy?  Are there children involved?

We have several tools and coping strategies that can help ease your stress.  If you look over on the right side of the page you will see a series of links.  toward the top you will see the heading Lesson and just under that is Taking Care of Yourself.  I suggest you start there as self care is so important when dealing with a disordered person.  As you know, pwBPD (people with BPD) can be quite challenging.

As you share more of your story we can make more recommendations for articles and talk about specifics in terms of feelings and challenges in have a relative with BPD.  In the meantime, feel free to poke around, read and post.  It helps to have a community to go to who gets it... .that is who we are.  We get it here.

[quietgirl]

Thank you for replying

We found out be/c of her recently hospitalizations.
She agreed to let her therapist discuss her condition with me, be/c she thought it would help her get out of the hospital sooner.  They brought it up to me.  I confronted her about it be/c she has hit rock bottom and is seeking answers.  naively I thought she would be happy to hear of a reason why she behaves this way and that there was treatment.  But No.  In true BPD fashion she thought it over, then confronted me later on the same day with a large list of reasons why she does not have BPD.
She is in mental health treatment for Bipolar and depression, but not BPD.

I'm struggling right now be/c she is constantly demanding attention from me, and every other person in her social circle.
Every day the conversation is the same:  I ruined my life be/c I divorced my husband, I see no hope, why don't you understand that I need to go back to my ex-husband (mind you he has bluntly stated he wants to never see her and threatened legal action),
She spends most of her time moaning to everyone she knows about how sad her life is, and trying to persuay people to reach out to her ex to convince him to get back with her.
She refuses to go to divorce counseling or focus on the good in her life.  New job & new home. 

She lives w/ my parents but they are kicking her out, they can't take it.
They bought her a condo and are supporting her right now.  She has a new job in the fall that she constantly threatened to no go too be/c of her depression. 

reading some of the tactics I can take when she is constantly contacting me is helping.  Its wearing down on me mentally and is embarrassing to our family.
Everyday, tens of times a day: calls, texts, emails. To me and at least a dozen other people.  Its so stressful
Friends and family constantly are asking me if I am aware of her condition.  She omits that her family is helping her for more pity.
She says the same thing to everyone and they say the same thing to her.  Forget the past and move on.

I just want her to get out of this funk and move on, its been 3-4 months of this. 

[quietgirl]

She does not have children, and its part of her depression.  She wants them and is now getting too old.  I fear her being around mine.  She doesn't want to be/c she gets too upset. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi quietgirl, 

I want to join Harri and welcome you to our online family. It sounds as if this was a big surprise to you to learn of her diagnosis. Do you think it helps you even if it doesn't help her?

Classic response for a pwBPD is to deny that they have anything wrong with them. There is an article about Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy that may help shed some light on what is going on.

I know that with my uBPDm she would never ever have said anything was wrong with her. She didn't want people to 'think she was crazy.' Problem is that anyone close to her knew she was dysfunctional but to the rest of the world she presented well. It is so tough, and often we feel quite left out and invalidated as we face the verbal projections that they send our way.

Are your parents aware of what her diagnosis is too?

 
Wools

[Body&Soul]

Hello! I can totally relate, as I also have a sister with uBPD. Reading your post makes me... .happy (but not happy because I understand what you're going through) but it makes me know I'm really not as alone as I feel. Lately, I have been using the tactic of "little to no contact, not going home, etc." because I (as you stated) can't just sever this relationship. What sort of things do you do when she is having an "episode" is what I call it when my sister is acting up... .

[quietgirl]

Thank you both for discussing with me,
My parents are aware but don't seem to want to deal with it.  She has been having an "episode" for the past 3 months, and I think they are just too mentally exhausted to put more into it.  They are moving her out of their house in 2 weeks, they bought her a place to live, they just can't take it anymore.

It does help me to understand this diagnosis, I will read what you suggested about BPDs not admitting their problem.  She knows she is sick, but refuses to acknowledge it is BPD.  I don't think she wants to be labeled as crazy.  I don't want to label her either, really I just want her to seek the help she needs. 
What you said is exactly true.  She acts the worst to her closest social circle and then sweetest to strangers she just met.  She's always been that way.  Wants them on her side.

Before I would just stop talking to her when she was raging at me.  Usually she got so mad she would also sever contact.  Until she perceived someone else doing a "wrong" to her, then will contact me again to validate her feelings.

Right now though, she has isolated herself.  No one wants to listen to her or deal with her anymore.  So its constantly on me or my parents. 
Its so stressful to hear from her random social contacts asking me if me and my family are aware of her mental condition, worried about her being suicidal.  I'd say at least 1-2 a week.  How am I supposed to just ignore those comments with out seeming like a monster myself?

She purposely omits that others are helping her for more pity.

I'm going to see a therapist, starting next week.  I just don't want to feel the guilt anymore.  I know I'm doing all I can to help her, but she never sees it that way.  Tells me if I don't do this, or that, I don't love her.  I'm a bad sister etc.

[SiblingBlue]

QuietGirl, this is my first visit to this board, and your situation resonates so strongly with me I can hardly believe it. I've only this week really come to the firm conclusion that my sister has BPD (she is being treated for bipolar and anxiety). When I suggested to her she might really have BPD, she raged at me about how insulting I was being... .thereby only confirming my conclusion.

She cut off all ties with our remaining parent years ago, so I'm the only one who's left to help her. I help support her financially, emotionally, and physically and it's been going on for years. She recently underwent brain surgery (for an unrelated condition) and after spending a week in my house to recover, ended up picking a fight and screaming bloody murder at me for not being sufficiently sensitive to her situation. Now she's back in her apartment alone, with no friends or anyone to call on for help. Yet she has frozen me out, blocked text messages and ignored emails asking if I can help her in some way. At the same time, mutual friends have told me she is complaining to them that she is alone and helpless and that I have washed my hands of her.

I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and I think the strategies will be helpful in the long run, but right now I'm dealing with the additional challenge of having a sister with a serious medical condition who won't accept help because of her BPD. Her black and white thinking yields the perception that if I can't be there to help her 24 hours a day, then I don't care at all and she won't accept an ounce of help from me. She's essentially doing a form of self-harm because of this condition.

I started seeing a therapist again to deal with all this. The stress has been eating me alive, affecting my marriage, my ability to do my job and be a good parent to my kids. I don't know what the consequence will be for my sister's well-being, but I am just at a complete loss as to how else to proceed.

Seeing other people's stories here is somewhat demoralizing, but also helpful in that I realize that I'm not alone, and my sister isn't behaving like this because of something that I did or didn't do.

[Harri]

quietgirl, body&soul and SiblingBlue, you are all in a very similar place!  It is good to see you reaching out and coming together here as support is so very important.  

quietgirl, good luck with therapy.  I have found it very helpful as have many others.  Please let us know how it goes.  

I know I'm doing all I can to help her, but she never sees it that way.  Tells me if I don't do this, or that, I don't love her.  I'm a bad sister etc.

This is so painful to hear especially when you have done everything you can to help.  pwBPD tend to let their immediate emotions define their experience.  As painful as it is to hear, she may very well feel like you do not love her in that moment.  To her feelings = facts.  But, fortunately that is not your reality.  Do not let her feelings define you.  I know it is hard as I had to learn to do that with my mother.  She believed awful things about me.  I had to let her have her emotions, opinions and beliefs and not make them mine (okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I am still trying to reverse some of the lingering beliefs I have that she raised me to believe but have come a long way)  You can not let someone's (disordered) thought processes and emotional dysregulation define you or your actions.
The above applies to everyone here on this site but most especially to you here.  Read it over and over and allow youself to believe it.

SiblingBlue, I hope you will write an introductory post when you feel ready.  You can even copy and paste what you wrote here.     Welcome to the board.  You have found a supportive place where people get it.  I am glad you posted.

[Woolspinner2000]

I'm very thankful that you all are here to support one another.   It is so difficult to have someone you love and care for struggle deeply and take it out on everyone else.

What is one of the most difficult challenges you each have with your sibling?

 
Wools

[quietgirl]

I started seeing a therapist again to deal with all this. The stress has been eating me alive, affecting my marriage, my ability to do my job and be a good parent to my kids. I don't know what the consequence will be for my sister's well-being, but I am just at a complete loss as to how else to proceed.

Seeing other people's stories here is somewhat demoralizing, but also helpful in that I realize that I'm not alone, and my sister isn't behaving like this because of something that I did or didn't do.

This is where I am at also, The stress of everything that has happened this summer is too much.
I am torn between the guilt I feel with my relationship with her and managing my responsibilities with my own life: small children, husband, full time career. 
My first therapy session is this week and I'm looking forward to discussing with someone who is not going to judge me. 
She has tainted every single social contact we may have mutually, they are all tired of it and just don't want to deal with her anymore.  She is so blind by her sickness she can't even see that.  I know its her sickness but its so difficult to hear 50 people tell me they have told her the same things I have been, and for her to still think she is the only one who is right and the world is out to get her.  Like everyone is in on this one big conspiracy to ruin her life. 

For me the biggest issue I have right now is the guilt and frustration of not knowing what to do.
She has been suicidal so I took her to the emergency room, what else can I do.
I keep telling her we love her and are here to support, but she needs to get help from someone qualified.

She "rages" at me if I'm not available to listen to her 24/7.
I just can't anymore.  How many times can you have the same conversation w/ someone.
I need to move on, even if she can't.

The latest thing is that she blames me for the negative outcome w/ her Ex husband.  She's been on this mission to get him back after their divorce.  I agreed to would reach out to him to ask if he would speak to her, but no more.  She now is convince I'm the reason he doesn't want to speak with her and wants her our of his life.  Like the 2 sentences I stated were the reason why, and not the years of her poor behavior.

Text book BPD statements from her "You have chosen not to help me by not reaching out to him.  you let him think I am crazy and don't stand up for me.  You knew the outcome I wanted but did not help."

I'm using the tactics I found here to help, stating that he has threatened legal action and for my life and my kids, I can not be a part of it. 

[Learning2Thrive]

I want to join Harri and Wools in welcoming you all, quietgirl, body&soul and SiblingBlue.

I want to also echo their posts that your support of each other is excellent. It’s so important to be able to share with others who are able to understand and validate our experiences and needs to be heard/understood.

quietgirl, you mentioned you are starting therapy this week. Have you had your first session yet?  

  L2T

[quietgirl]

Updates:

My poor parents are done, they just want to cut off communication with my sister.
Is it so terrible I agree.  I know these things don't have to be permanent but she has done such serious damage to their relationship this summer. 
I told my mom this:
Sometimes the pain of not having someone in your life is less than the pain of continuing with the relationship.  Even when its family.

A therapist once told me this, ironically for the relationship I was having w/ my parents at the time.  But it is true. 

I had my first therapy appointment last week.  Was wondering what I was trying to get out of it, and I realized, I wanted a 3rd party to objectively tell me how bad the situation really is.  Her response to my discussion left me feeling more upset.  She essentially told me that I should minimize contact with my sister.  Mainly be/c I have young children and I need to ensure their safety.   I may feel guilty about not having a close relationship w/ my sister, but that I would feel even more guilt should her destructive nature do damage to them while they are young.

I'm so worried about her but know it has to be this way for right now.
The more help she gets the less functional she seems to be.

This whole situation is so very sad.

[Tregonsee]

I'm so sorry for your situation and your family.  When I first cut off contact with my BPD sis I experienced a lot of guilt and fear - I guess it is part of the "FOG" that we experience when trying to interact with people with BPD.  But after a while life became so much better - no more rages, no more lies and manipulations, I actually was able to be happy without having a relationship with BPD sis.  It was like a lead weight was lifted off of me.  Like you said, it doesn't have to be permanent, think of it like a nice vacation that is well deserved after all the emotional trauma you have had to endure.

As far as worrying for her, at this point she is a big girl and it is up to her to live her life; you cannot be expected to be her caretaker forever especially at the expense of your family or your own health.  How can you care for her when it is literally sucking the life out of you?  I told myself this many times to help ease the burden of guilt. 

I wish you all the best, good luck whatever you decide to do.

[quietgirl]

Tregonsee - you are right, it is not my responsibility to be her caretaker. 
Thank you for your comments, understanding others that have experienced these same things is very helpful.

There is not right way, but there is a way forward.  And that is what matters.
Protecting my children is my top priority, as it should be.

[Deb]

Hi quietgirl,

I agree with Tregonese.  I had to go no contact with my dBPD sister to save my own sanity. She would do awful things to me, such as telling horrible lies to our friends and family. And then run crying to me when she needed someone to soothe her. She is older by 2 & 1/2 years, but told people I was older and then those people would try and shame me into helping her. I finally had to put myself first. Yes, I had a lot of guilt and sorrow at first, as well as a lot of anger for the harm she did to me and her children. But I am at a place now where I am at peace with it all. I do feel sadness for her sometimes. Like on holidays when I know her children aren't with her and she is alone. But that is all her own doing.