He crossed my line, and I'm still stuck sigh

[WitzEndWife]

Last year, when he majorly split on me and yelled and intimidated me into locking myself in the bathroom, I swore that if he ever did something like that again, it would be my time to leave. Well, he did it again, and this time it's not so easy.

First of all, last week, he rescued a shelter puppy that was scheduled for euthanasia, despite the fact that we had just had a major incident with our problem rescue hound which caused me a trip to the ER and a fingertip (RIP pinky tip). Luckily, the pup he rescued was an angel, and got along well with the other dogs. He was also super clingy to my husband, which, being BPD, is a recipe for mega attachment.

From the beginning, uBPDh was angling to wear me down so I'd agree to keep the pup. And, believe me, it was hard to say no, since the puppy was so darn cute and sweet. BUT, I knew it wasn't best for our existing dogs, for him, or for me, so I stood my ground. And, it just so happened that one of my favorite coworkers was looking for a dog for her kids. When I told H, he was shocked. At first, he lashed out, "Well, if she wanted a dog so badly, why didn't she just go find her own dog!" Eventually, he agreed that this was the right thing to do.

The handoff of the dog couldn't have gone better. The puppy was immediately enamored with the kids. It was a match made in heaven. I thought it would be good for H to meet the family and know that the pup was going to a good home. At first, everything seemed to go okay. He shed a few tears after they left, but that was it.

Later that evening, though, he took a downward turn. He started sobbing, and watching videos he'd taken of the pup, lamenting over and over how much he missed him. I kept reassuring him that he'd done a really good thing, and that he should be glad that he rescued the pup from euthanasia, and now he was going to have a great family with a yard and lots of love. H couldn't be rationalized into emotionally understanding this.

The next day, we were on our way to get groceries, when he said, "I'm going to need you to give me your coworker's number." I said, "Why is that?" He said, "I have some things that I forgot to tell her about the dog." I said, "Well, you can tell me what you want to say to her, and I can give her the message." He became irate at that point and started yelling, saying I was "disrespecting" him. He kept demanding I give him the number, and I said, "Not until you've calmed down." He kept escalating, driving erratically. I told him to let me out of the car, that I didn't want to drive with him if he was enraged. He wouldn't let me out of the car, instead accelerating and taking rough turns. I started screaming for him to let me out.

He finally pulled over, and I got out of the car and started walking. He started chasing me, yelling and ranting. I told him I'd talk to him when he'd cooled off. He threatened that he wouldn't cool off until I gave him the number. He chased me down a major street, screaming. I told him to get away from me. People were staring. I walked back toward the car, he followed me. I told him to leave me alone, that he was too hot and he needed to go cool off. He kept chasing. Finally, a security guard for the library across the street threatened to call the authorities. At that point, he backed off and began walking down the street. I got in the car and drove back home. He was calling me nonstop, of course. I didn't answer.

I called his mother and let her know what had happened, because I figured that she would be the only person to calm him down. She couldn't get through because he was calling me. I holed up in my bedroom with both dogs and the door locked. He came home and was knocking on the door, all sad, saying he wanted to see the dog. I told him that I wouldn't let him in unless he was calm. He said he was calm.

Finally, I let him in. He was calmer, but still splitting, saying he wouldn't have become angry if I would have just given him the number. He actually equated me "disrespecting him" to his insane behavior, like it was just as bad. I insisted that he was allowed to be angry at me, but that his intimidation and unhinged behavior in public was uncalled for. He said my screaming in the car was equivalent to his behavior, and that I had a "double standard" when it came to acceptable behavior in the relationship.

Unfortunately this all happened about an hour before I was supposed to attend a concert with my best friend. I left before things could be fully resolved or de-escalated (got some angry, defiant texts), got home around midnight, and promptly went to bed. I feel all disoriented, topsy-turvy over everything. Should holding a boundary be this painful? I feel embarrassed, horrified, scared, and scarred. I don't know what to do. I'm sure he's going to act like it never happened, or still maintain that my withholding a phone number from him is just as bad as him intimidating and menacing me in public. It was such a small thing too... .I fear the next blow up.

I love him, but I don't want to live like this. I've done everything I could. I'd like to suggest time apart, but I'm scared to escalate things right now. I want to wait until he's done splitting. But the problem is that after the splitting is when he's nicest, because he tries to pull me back in. It's a vicious cycle.

[Cat Familiar]

You've got an overview of what happens when he dysregulates, and now you're prepared for the lovey dovey cycle to begin.

And certainly he equates his erratic and dangerous driving, his chasing you and yelling, as equivalent to your refusal to give him your coworker's number and thinking that was a sign of "disrespect". Here's yet another example of Feelings = Facts and no amount of JADEing will convince him otherwise.

Yes, sometimes holding a boundary turns into an extinction burst like you experienced. It was good that you didn't give in to his demands and I'm sure your coworker would also be relieved if she had known what fresh hell you prevented her from experiencing, but alas, it is something you'll undoubtedly keep to yourself. 

You love him but you don't like living with the dysfunctional behavior. At present you are not wanting to upset the apple cart by suggesting time apart. When he's back to baseline, what would you like to offer as a plan?

Cat

[PeteWitsend]

The frustrating thing is how unexpected a "boundary testing" episode can occur.

I feel your pain, witzendwife.

It's especially jarring when you think you navigated the minefield, only to have everything blow up just as you let your guard down. 

It don't know if the alternative is simply to always be vigilant. that takes a toll as well, though. 

[WitzEndWife]

Cat - as far as a plan goes, I'm not really sure. I guess it depends on whether he's willing to admit that he lost control. If he does admit that, then I guess I can discuss options: do DBT/therapy in earnest or experience time apart? If he doesn't admit it, then I think I need to work with my therapist on what to do. I genuinely felt terrified, but was also grateful that he was doing this in public, not in the house. I have been through enough recently. I just want some peace.

[Cat Familiar]

Do you think it's likely that he will admit that he lost control? At the time, it seemed like he was blaming you for his behavior. Has he behaved erratically at home where you've felt concerned for your safety?

You've been through a lot recently. I hope that things calm down in your life.   

Cat

[formflier]

Remember that this was a public event... .a security guard intervened or at least threatened to. 

Looking back do you wonder if perhaps it would be best to have asked for assistance?

I realize that you were trying to calm him down, yet I wonder if letting him experience consequences is appropriate?

What do you think?

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I see where you're going with that, FF. In the moment, I was just trying to get away from him. I think, once the security guard threatened him, he realized the consequences and moved on. I am not exactly sure what I might have done differently in that moment.

The fact that he so doggedly pursued me and intimidated me was scary. I don't get rattled easily and that rattled me. To answer your question, Cat, he has been intimidating in the home once or twice before, and he's thrown benign things at me, such as water, pillows, or mushy banana. He's never thrown anything that would actually hurt me, so there's some modicum of control there. But the rage does escalate more rapidly every time recently. Like, instead of slowly escalating into rage through JADE, he's flying into mad rages over me setting boundaries.

What scares me the most is that the reoccurring scapegoat of his rage is this idea that I'm "disrespecting" him. It's this deep-seated issue that he brings up whenever he's raging out at another person. It's triggering to me because it's what my abusive ex boyfriend used to say.

I have therapy in 20 mins, so I'll let you all know what she says.

[formflier]

Use cell phone... call 911.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

So, T says that it's time to rip the bandage off in terms of addressing the elephant in the room: BPD. I've been tiptoe-ing around it for nearly two years now. I have to broach the subject with him, which will be interesting. She says to start small, and start by catching him in a good moment, and to be supportive. Because of the show we watched, he already admitted to meeting all nine criteria. Now it's time to talk about it.

I've been avoiding telling him I think he has BPD because I was hoping he'd recognize that he wasn't really functioning, and that there was something wrong. There were glimmers, but he'd retreat back into his head. T likens it to an alcoholic not being aware that they drink more than others. To him, this is normal, and he doesn't realize that there is another way to be.

This is kind of a last ditch. She says she doesn't want me to regret not having at least tried to address BPD. That way, if I leave, I'll have less guilt overall. She's a BPD expert, so I will take her advice. She has a good plan in mind for me. 

[PeteWitsend]

Huh.  I've consistently read you should not tell someone you suspect of being BPD of that, the reason being that they will just start telling you that you are BPD; they won't actually go get help.

  if they would do that, they wouldn't be BPD... .

[WitzEndWife]

Huh.  I've consistently read you should not tell someone you suspect of being BPD of that, the reason being that they will just start telling you that you are BPD; they won't actually go get help.

  if they would do that, they wouldn't be BPD... .

I thought so too, but I think my T believes that 1) I now have nothing to lose, and 2) not talking about it is making everything worse, for me and for him. Plus, now he's sort of opened the door for the conversation by acknowledging that he has all nine indicators of BPD. I think it's time to open the can of worms and see what happens. Now, she's not saying I begin with, "I know what your problem is - you have BPD" - that's obviously triggering to him. She does suggest building the conversation slowly, and starting when we're having a good time together, so that the mood is calm and positive. She says I should come from a place of it being a judgement free zone, a safe space, to explore this possibility. I shouldn't suggest therapy right away, but at least here I can learn whether he'll go with it or whether he'll reject it. If he rejects it, I'll know I did everything I could, and exhausted every possibility.

[Cat Familiar]

Knowing you've done everything you could will be of great relief, however this conversation turns out. You've been living on a teeter totter, at the mercy of his moods for some time. This shifts the responsibility to him. Knowing he's acknowledged all these signs of BPD, will he want to do anything about it?

 
Cat

[WitzEndWife]

Knowing you've done everything you could will be of great relief, however this conversation turns out. You've been living on a teeter totter, at the mercy of his moods for some time. This shifts the responsibility to him. Knowing he's acknowledged all these signs of BPD, will he want to do anything about it?

 
Cat

It's a good question. I hope he will, but we'll see. Hopefully I can have a talk with him this weekend.

[Cat Familiar]

We'll be thinking of you and wishing you well in this conversation.   

Cat