First post, long time reader: my story

[unfortunate]

Hey everyone, just wanted to start out by saying thank you so much for the stories I have been reading here for the past month since my breakup. It has put everything in perspective for me and has helped my grieving immensely.

I met a girl (uBPD) on an online video game at the beginning of February of this year.  She is married  (though she claims its only for insurance since there was an unplanned pregnancy) , but had said it was an open marriage. I naturally did not pursue her when i found out she was married, but she very quickly came after me when we started playing together a lot. We ended up playing the game and talking almost 24/7. Whenever I was working, we would text, whenever she left her house (away from husband) she would call, every other moment, we would talk on the game. We got close extremely quick, and we ended up making things official mid february. We were long distance at the time (about 500 miles).  Things were great for months. I went up and visited her for a weekend in april, and we had an amazing physical connection as well. She was very open about everything and seemed to love everything about me.  Come June, her fibromyalgia started to flare up.  Ive read that chronic pain has a tendency to highly activate depression, anxiety, and any other disorders. This is also what I think sparked her BPD (or at least the first signs).

 She has had a very troubled history. Not a great upbringing, and lost a parent to cancer at age 12.  Her other parent split pretty soon after and she was raised by her grandmother who was very judgmental of her.  Her first marriage only lasted a year, because after they got married "he got really creepy". After leaving him, months later he was registered as a child molester.  She met this new guy and it was pretty much just a FWB thing until she got pregnant. so they decided to get married so she would have insurance.  4 years later, she met me.

After i visited her in April, she started planting the idea of me moving up to be with her. I was miserable at my current job, so she recommended I look at jobs near her. So i Did. I ended up quitting my job in june right before her flare up started, and planned my move up there. Every time i brought up moving she was always happy and supportive. never second guessed or discouraged it, all the way till the "break up".   Towards the end of june she started becoming very distant. Hiding from me on the video game, not playing with me, isolating herself to playing with another group (looking back, possible my replacement?).  We got in a few small fights, one resulting in her saying we should take a break, but i talked her out of it and seemed to defuse the situation. That lasted a week... .  I ended up moving up to be with her at the end of july. she had called me the monday before, talked about her school schedule, as well as her daughters, and everything seemed normal, until she stopped talking to me period.  I moved 500 miles to be with her, and she ghosted me.  I reached out a few times after moving, but she hardly responded. The last thing i texted her was "let me know if you are available for lunch saturday" and she said "I can't, I have to pick up my daughter that day".  That was exactly one month ago today.  I went into no contact at this point.  I didn't block her or take away any avenues for her to contact me, I just used no contact as a way to give space and let her reach out to me.

This is where it gets a little strange.  Exactly 3 weeks after I stopped texting her she unfriended me on facebook(at 3am mind you).  I was confused, but my therapist said she was probably looking for a reaction from me.  3 days later, she changes her profile picture and "unlocks" her public profile. (the whole time we were friends, she had it locked down to everyone except family. She really only uses facebook to share pictures of her daughter with close family, not even friends could see much of her profile). 3 days later, she unfriended me on xbox. (she did this during our last fight, and i responded almost immediately to it) But this time i assumed she again, was looking for a reaction.  Keep in mind all this is happening 3-4 weeks after her ghosting me.

We didn't even really have a breakup.  A mutual friend asked her if we had a falling out and she replied "yea, he was being a jerk" which confused me since the only thing I ever did was confront her about pulling away from me.  I also found out that 3 weeks before I moved, she started telling her new group on the game that she thought i was stalking her? I was still states away at this point.

Since moving, I have not once driven by her house, or done anything that could be considered stalking, other than looking at her facebook.  She also is very shady on social media. she's one of those people that watches and looks at everything people post, but never really posts anything for herself. its her window into other people.

Right now I have noticed she has attached to a new guy/group in the game and is acting perfectly happy and normal from what i can tell.  since she is a girl on a video game, and she can be sweet and manipulative, she can pretty much get all the attention she wants.

SOO, thats my story.  Its been one month of no contact. I am still hopeful that she will reach out to me, but she is very stubborn. Do you guys think the social media unfriending a week later was a cry for a reaction? If I do want to reconnect with her, is it just about waiting out her new attachment in the game? should I reach out to her? any advice would be helpful.  The reason I currently do want to try to reconnect with her is I feel like we never gave it a full shot. Long distance was Great for a few months, and i want to see what in person is like. I Just feel there is unfinished business and we did both seem very much in love.

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[pearlsw]

Hi unfortunate,

Glad that you decided to post!

I gotta tell ya, dating nowadays sounds quite complicated! I'm a wee bit older and not much of a social media person and this all sounds so... .confusing and painful to sort out!

I am so sorry your move did not pan out, so far! Are you okay? Will you remain in the area? What is best for you?

I wish for your sake you could find out from her what is going on. Did she get cold feet? Get mad? Both? Hard to say.

Glad to hear you are not doing "stalkerish" things. It is best to be careful and not get yourself into any kind of bad situation with her.

A good friend of mine, before he later married, had a few odd online situations. Meeting people online then in person and things going a bit haywire.

What makes you think she has BPD or BPD traits? (People who are do not have BPD could do such things as well.) Can you provide more detail?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[unfortunate]

Hi unfortunate,


What makes you think she has BPD or BPD traits? (People who are do not have BPD could do such things as well.) Can you provide more detail?

wishing you the best, pearl.

My Therapist seems extremely convinced that she does.  From her past trauma, the way her relationships are, her distancing and push/pull tactics, her use of ST when we had little disagreements, her deflecting any sort of blame, and her habit of latching on to people in the game.

Her husband works nights, so she can't really leave the house much since she has to take care of her daughter and her husband has never lifted a finger (never even changed a diaper). So the game is a full on addiction and she can get all the attention she needs.  

I know for a fact she has severe depression, a history of cutting, and anxiety. When she talked about ex's, it was always their fault. They got creepy, they stalked her, they were out to ruin her life.  

Her past ex's it seems like she cut them out of her life, but then again, the one before me was a "stalker" but he also started messaging her husband saying stuff like "do you know what your wife does behind your back" and trying to ruin her marriage and all that stuff, so I feel like sure, she painted him black and most likely will never go back to him. But we didn't exactly have a bad falling out, She just slowly faded and I stopped chasing.

[pearlsw]

Hi unfortunate,

Oh, I see. Thank you for the additional information!

May I ask, is it is possible that she did not truthfully represent the situation with the "husband" to you, or that is more complicated than either you or she realized it would be? Would the "husband" be okay with you dating her had things developed in that way?

take care, pearl.

[unfortunate]

Hi unfortunate,

Oh, I see. Thank you for the additional information!

May I ask, is it is possible that she did not truthfully represent the situation with the "husband" to you, or that is more complicated than either you or she realized it would be? Would the "husband" be okay with you dating her had things developed in that way?

take care, pearl.

We definitely would have to somewhat sneak around.  She cheated on him years ago and they implemented the "open marriage" but since then, it seemed to only apply to him, and he would get verbally abusive if he found out.  However, she has had some "flings" since then, so she know how to stay under the radar.  I know we would never be able to fully have a normal relationship while she's married, but she does have a plan to divorce when she finishes school soon and can get a job and her own insurance. 

Since the breakup, I have thought a lot about her misrepresenting her husband to me.  Her daughter started kindergarten a few weeks ago which is a tough time for both parents.  My therapist mentioned that she may be in "perfect mommy, perfect wife mode" right now because she has to concentrate on them as a "family" right now during this time. This could, in a sense, mean she's painted him White temporarily.  She may not have been able to juggle his extra attention and involvement, and me, so i got put on the back burner.

Its also possible that she got cold feet and knew she might not be able to give me as much time as she thought, and sabotaged the relationship before I could potentially break up with her in the future. However, i knew I would never be her first priority, so the amount of time I expected from her was not that much.

[pearlsw]

However, i knew I would never be her first priority, so the amount of time I expected from her was not that much.

Hi unfortunate,

I know life and love can be complicated, so no judgement here, at all, but can you talk a bit more about what made this relationship with her so appealing for you given its limitations and potential dangers (husband) even?

Your [therapist] seems to make a good point! Basically she would be setting herself up to have two lives and that can be pretty complicated and mentally stressful as well!

Is it possible that you would/could simply wait to try with her again when she becomes available?

take care, pearl.

[unfortunate]

Hi unfortunate,

I know life and love can be complicated, so no judgement here, at all, but can you talk a bit more about what made this relationship with her so appealing for you given its limitations and potential dangers (husband) even?

Your [therapist] seems to make a good point! Basically she would be setting herself up to have two lives and that can be pretty complicated and mentally stressful as well!

Is it possible that you would/could simply wait to try with her again when she becomes available?

take care, pearl.

Honestly, I think being the "white knight" has a small part to do with it.  I really do love everything about her, she was very honest and open, she was loving, we had the same values (to an extent, cheating is a no no for me, but she always had a way to explain herself)  We have a lot in common and during the idolization phase, it seemed like a fairytale.  

I also am a bit of a homebody, I stopped drinking years ago, so I hate going to bars/clubs,  and have had issues breaking into my line of work, even with a Masters degree, so Ive been moving around a lot trying to find a job and plant some roots. Because of this, I have not really tried dating or even making friends. So when she came along, it was the opportunity of a lifetime.  I also am a very understanding and patient person, which I think made me think of the long game in regards to a relationship with her.

[pearlsw]

Honestly, I think being the "white knight" has a small part to do with it.  I really do love everything about her, she was very honest and open, she was loving, we had the same values (to an extent, cheating is a no no for me, but she always had a way to explain herself)  We have a lot in common and during the idolization phase, it seemed like a fairytale.  

I also am a bit of a homebody, I stopped drinking years ago, so I hate going to bars/clubs,  and have had issues breaking into my line of work, even with a Masters degree, so Ive been moving around a lot trying to find a job and plant some roots. Because of this, I have not really tried dating or even making friends. So when she came along, it was the opportunity of a lifetime.  I also am a very understanding and patient person, which I think made me think of the long game in regards to a relationship with her.

Hi unfortunate,

You sound like a kind fellow! This white knight idea is a big   in the realm of dating. I can understand the impulse, certainly, but it is important that each partner do their best to be as healthy as possible I would say, and if you are "rescuing" her she is not really doing her part of things - standing on her own two feet and being there for you as well.

Serious relationships are a lot of hard work and can have a lot of pitfalls and disappointments, in addition to a lot of really great intimacy, etc., but it is important to set yourself up for the best possible outcome.

No one can predict if she will come back or not. Unfortunately. I know how painful that is. This happens a lot in such relationships. We are idealized and then discarded. It is extremely painful!

About the "cheating" part let me ask you to consider what the sneaking around would do to you and the relationship. It would cut if off at the knees. It would prevent it from growing into a healthy, above board relationship. You would miss out on one of the great joys of dating, being able to share her with the other people in your life and vice versa. It is not a full relationship.

Believe me, I knew someone once who I loved so much and would have been willing to do nearly anything for, but even for him (and he was a real dream guy that I had loved and knew from the past and showed up again) this was too big of an ask when I really looked at. It would have been a life of lies. If he wanted me he needed to make himself free. Period. That's how it works if you want a life with someone in the best possible sense, and not to be selling yourself short. Just something to consider. I know the pull of one's heart can sometimes defy reason so I am not judging you. I know how hard it can be, how it can feel like you are a living exception to all the rules around this stuff. The heart wants what it wants, but it is also good to get the head involved and do some rational decision making.

How long until you expect her to leave him? (If she actually does so)

warmly, pearl.

[unfortunate]

Her school would be one, maybe 2 more semesters. So within the year.  I know a full on relationship may not be possible at this time, but I am little surprised she just went to fully cutting me off instead trying to be friends.  After all, I did uproot my life and move up here for her.  As far as communicating with her, the last few times I tried (a month ago), she either gave a dead end response or didn't respond at all.  Is it best for me to just give her space and let her reach out to me? I know the term No Contact is a touchy one on this site. I definitely am not cutting off any avenues for her to contact me and I would respond if she reaches out, but is it pointless for me to chase right now?

[pearlsw]

Her school would be one, maybe 2 more semesters. So within the year.  I know a full on relationship may not be possible at this time, but I am little surprised she just went to fully cutting me off instead trying to be friends.  After all, I did uproot my life and move up here for her.  As far as communicating with her, the last few times I tried (a month ago), she either gave a dead end response or didn't respond at all.  Is it best for me to just give her space and let her reach out to me? I know the term No Contact is a touchy one on this site. I definitely am not cutting off any avenues for her to contact me and I would respond if she reaches out, but is it pointless for me to chase right now?

Hi unfortunate,

To be clear, you became official with her in February (via online contact), saw her for a weekend in April, quit your job in June, then her fibromyalgia flared up. You moved there in late July to be closer to her, her idea. It's now late August and she has cut you off?

Once you made the move there, I assume you have your own place, did she ever come over to see you? Did you spend time together? Have you spent any time together since you showed up at all?

How much of a life did you set up? Do you have a job? A rental agreement? Is this is a place you would like to live even if you aren't in a relationship with her?

You are seeing a therapist?

take care, pearl.