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snowglobe
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« on: August 30, 2018, 06:56:30 PM » |
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Hello everyone,
I just want to take a moment and thank all of you, members, moderators, participants and observers for being here. It’s been quite a journey since I’ve met you, and may I just add, I would not be able to get to where I’m at today without your support. For that, I’m great full.
I’m also having a moment of gratitude, reflection and vulnerability today, which I want to share with you, and hopefully hear your opinion.
Many things happened in the last week: from my uBPDh “using” again, to my foo extended members crisis that caused my father to depart to another country to look after his sick relative, in addition we are due to leave for our dbt retreat on Tuesday, the first week of school for my kids.
I’m feeling the pressure mounting, like in a pressure cooker, coming from all different directions. I understand the importance of mental health well being for myself and my uBPDh, if I ever want to have a shot at “normal” problem solving without him taking out the other eye or Turning back to drugs. Yet, some part of me realizing, I’m doing this for me, this retreat is mine, he is there just because we are both severely co dependent. It’s not an “aha” moment where he wants things better, he even shared with our mutual friends. “People go on retreats to seek answers, I’m going because my wife signed me up”.
I’m also scared of what kind of realizations and conclusions he will come up with. They usually go like “my life sucks, and you are be problem in all of it”. I’m also frightened of him not being able to be physically close to me, that will be a trigger on its own. Without me care taking, washing and cuddling him, what will come out of it?.
Will I be ok? Will I be able to make my peace and amends with my past traumas? Will he be brave enough to step into his?
My entire life has been an emotional land mine, where the slightest mishap would blow up the entire family consisting of children, my parents and us. I feel responsible for them, after all, I couldn’t save my parents marriage, could I save mine? Magical thinking, as my therapist calls it (smiling). I’m not sure if it’s just me, but being a product of two people with personality disorders, mother with histrionic and slightly uBPD and unpd father, I had a lot of “ifs... .and thens” in my life. If I be good, they will start talking. If I’m going to be interesting and animated enough, they will snap out of their emotional coma and pay attention to me, if I get sick, maybe they will stop fighting, if I keep mom’s affair quiet, maybe things will eventually work out.
As a grown woman, with two teenagers I’m learning tht sometimes, doesn’t matter how hard you try, things might not work out.
I’m learning simple tool, how to ask and how to say no to a request. His mood swings still trigger me, I find them debilitating. Yet, I managed to register for a new course, which I’m taking over the fall semester with hope of moving closer towards my degree.
I’m also more attentive to the fact that I’ve been forced into a role of a caregiver at the age of 17. I had no way of knowing. Care taking has always been my normal state. I’ve been a good daughter, good caregiver to my uBPDh, but I haven’t been the mother I could be. I couldn’t. Every time I would pay attention to my children fully, my unBPDh found a way to sabotage in order to get the attention.
I’m also no longer seeking all the answers. Perhaps I will never know the full truth and extent of his abuse. Like many other secrets in his foo, if no one knows about it, it never happened. Like whY can’t he look at me, or anyone else closely in the eye, unless we are physically intimate. Or, why certain body parts are off limit, he yelps as if I put scolding water over him, or why he needs to know my whereabouts all the time, or why he can’t share my attention even with his own children, or why he is always talking about getting a younger woman, even though he is 10 years old me senior.
I don’t have the answers, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I’m looking for the right questions.
I’m uncertain and somewhat fearful of him, if he is in a desperate situation. Would he hurt me, would he hurt himself, would he drag the children or relatives to make it a spectacle so everyone can feel the depth of his pain?.
I am vulnerable to tell you all that although I’m healing and realizing many things, I’m also unsure. I’m mourning and grieving over the life and relationships I once hoped I had. I am no longer able to stay dilutional and ignore the facts. I’m rather radically accepting it.
The newest realization came from my uBPDh’s partner that I disliked so much, of any of you remember. He told me about the length of life correlation with happiness. The happier you are, the longer you live. He also told me, that you only start living once you realize that you only have one life, and once the computer shuts off, you are no more.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’m ready to stop holding my breath and closing my eyes. I want to allow myself to be happy and begin to feel, even if it’s excruciating difficult. Please, keep me in your prayers next week, as I’m about to embark on a conquest for my metal well being, and hopefully my uBPDh will get on the same journey of finding a peace.
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