Recovering from Boyfriend Cheating...

[seirei]

=TW: Infidelity and Suicidal Ideation


Sunday night I found out my boyfriend was making plans to cheat on my with these TWO guys (threesome) that he used to know. He has told me that he didn't like the guys before because he stayed with them at one point and they molested him. However, he always kept them on his social media to "save face" as he called it.

Anyways, back to the story at hand: About Wednesday night, he started acting weird and getting out of bed in the middle of the night and staying downstairs. He even slept down there twice. Friday night we went to pick up his prescription for a pain medication (Tramadol). The doctor that prescribed it (ER doc) wasn't aware that he was on Zoloft as well.

Friday night we went on a date night (his idea) and laid in the back of his car under the stars at a spot where we used to hangout a lot when we first started dating. He apologized for being so distant lately and we discussed his BPD (which we do frequently), and we discussed cheating (I told him that was the only thing that I'm honestly afraid of).

He also told me that he wanted to go to his next counseling appointment on the 3rd by himself so he could hangout with his best friend that he hadn't seen in a while (his counselor is in his home town some three+ hours away from where we live now).

Fast forward to Saturday, he was experiencing symptoms akin to serotonin syndrome and we realized there's a nasty interaction between the two, so he stopped the Tramadol. He was also on the couch that morning when I woke up, and stayed out of work that day.

Sunday night, he was acting normal towards me. He had actually just told me I was his "forever and always" and went upstairs to the bathroom, where he was messaging this guy some very lewd things and making plans to meet up with the guy and another guy the day he was supposed to be going to see his counselor and "hangout with his bestfriend."

I had a suspicion something was up and found the messages. I confronted him about it and he immediately went into a suicidal hellstorm mood. After I calmed down, I managed to talk some sense into him and we kinda figured (or at least I did) that maybe it was the serotonin syndrome effect messing with his impulsiveness. That's kind of the story he's clung to since. He went and saw his counselor Tuesday and she agreed that it probably was (though he wanted me to not sit in on the session, so I only know what he told me she said).

The more I think about it, thoughm the more I'm beginning to wonder. It was prior to taking the Tramadol that he suggested going on the trip by himself. The initial messages between him and the guy were deleted, the earliest I could see was from Saturday morning at 11am. So I have no idea when they actually started talking. He claims to not remember, but thinks it could've been Friday night. I got curious and went through his Facebook earlier (he has given me access to it since the incident Sunday), and I see where he flirted with another guy on a picture the guy posted Friday MORNING.

Like I said, though, he has given me access to his facebook, and he went through and deleted all of the guys he used to talk to or doesn't know. He has also deleted his Snapchat.

Another agreement we had was that I would drive him to and from work for the time being (partially a trust thing/partially a suicide watch thing), but that has not happened. He returned to work today for the first time since this whole thing, and he drove himself this morning. So, I'm sitting here kinda spiraling into all of the "what ifs."

I guess besides venting, I'm really looking for some advice from people with BPD or from loved ones that's gone through similar experiences with your pwBPD. I am struggling with finding closure or saying what I need to say because of his suicidal reactions to the entire thing.

He hasn't directly threatened it (he was trying to get his keys Sunday night, which I hide from him), other than that he just keeps saying he's having the thoughts. I told him we would work on this together as long as he was honest about what he was feeling or thinking, even if the cheating thoughts came back. I am just struggling with how to fix this, or even where to go from here. I also fear that he's done it before and just won't admit to it. Especially since he told me that if I hadn't of caught him, he would've deleted it and never told me whether he went through with it or not.

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[pearlsw]

Hi seirei,



It sounds like there is a lot going on here! May I ask, would you say you are both in a committed relationship and have identical senses of what commitment means? Is your partner truly willing to be monogamous? Monogamy works for some people, not for others. I just wonder if he is offering you monogamy (and not holding up his end of the deal) or still figuring out for himself what the nature of his relationships will be?

It sounds like he does want to build some trust and have some accountability with you? Is that correct?

Does your partner have other symptoms aside from suicidal ideation? Do you live together or independently of one another? How long have you been involved with each other?

This territory of suicidal ideation is a tough one to tread. It is a scary place to be in for you, I know. One of the hardest things to hear though is the standard advice from professionals on this. You can't stop him from committing suicide. If he makes threats though you can call the authorities. You can also give him the number to the National Suicide Hotline or whatever hotline services exist in your area. You can support, but you can't take this on, or let it be used in any way to manipulate your behavior. 

wishing you peace, pearl.

[seirei]

Thanks for your response, Pearl.

We've been dating for going on a year now. We just moved into an apartment together about a month ago. We have discussed the terms of our relationship, and he's aware that this is something that would be considered cheating. He would also consider it cheating if I had done it. He says the thoughts have been underlying, that everything is going so great and he's not used to that -- so he subconsciously wanted to sabotage it since he's only used to chaos. And that the serotonin effects from the drug interaction sort of lowered his inhibitions and that's what caused the actions. He swears he has never actually done it or made an effort to prior to this, but that the thoughts had been there before. I am just having a difficult time trusting him when he tells me that. Especially after he told me that had I not caught him, he would have never told me. In addition to this, I'm struggling with talking to him about it vs. his suicidal reaction to it. I honestly don't know how much is from remorse and how much is a manipulation tactic to deter me from talking about it. I feel like the entire scenario has been flipped to where he's the "victim" in the situation, and I'm trying to comfort him rather than the other way around... .If that makes sense.