I’m 33 years old and my mother still feels like she has hold of me

[G123]

I’ve been trying to separate myself from my mother for years and the harder I try the harder she tries to insert herself into my life to inflict pain. Only a few have witnessed her in all her “glory “ everyone else I confide in think I’m telling fishtails. She’s now trying to use my child as a pawn. Claiming she cares about her wellbeing when in fact she could care less. It’s killing me and I feel helpless and am looking for understanding, hopefully this understanding will give me a little more strength in order to not cave against her numerous threats towards me or my children.

[Learning2Thrive]

Welcome G123,

I’m glad you found us, but so sorry for the reasons you’ve come here. Several of us have experienced similar situations to what you describe.

You mentioned your mom has made threats against you and your children.  We are very concerned about safety here.

What kind of threats does she make?

Have you been documenting the threats and keeping any related evidence?

What you described about trying to separate yourself from your mother and her inserting harder sounds like an extinction burst. It’s kind of like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum when they don’t get their way. When we decide to put boundaries into place, they don’t like that so they will act up to try to get us back in line (without boundaries). If we keep the boundaries in place and do not engage in the drama, the acting up is likely to escalate for a period of time until they give up and pursue drama elsewhere.

Have you looked over our article on boundaries yet?

I look forward to learning more about you and how we may help you move forward.

L2T

[Turkish]

Hi G123, I'd also be interested in hearing what kinds of threats she's making and how best we can support you. 

[naturalturn]

I’ve been trying to separate myself from my mother for years and the harder I try the harder she tries to insert herself into my life to inflict pain. Only a few have witnessed her in all her “glory “ everyone else I confide in think I’m telling fishtails. She’s now trying to use my child as a pawn. Claiming she cares about her wellbeing when in fact she could care less. It’s killing me and I feel helpless and am looking for understanding, hopefully this understanding will give me a little more strength in order to not cave against her numerous threats towards me or my children.

Hi G123!

Welcome and I'm truly sorry about your mother. That really is a difficult situation especially when children are involved.
I relate to trying to separate from your mom and she tries harder to insert herself. I have experience this with my mother too. Over the last almost 4 years I slowly tried to create space between us in the most friendly and thoughtful way as to make a smooth transition and not make her feel abandoned. However, this did not work very well and she has only gotten more obsessive, more needy, and more demanding as time has passed and she dwells on how our emotionally entangled relationship/emotional incest was 4/5 years ago and wants it to be like that now. She has no care about what I want.
Though I don't have children and I would never compare having a child to a pet, I do have a little dog who she has acted like she cared so much about which made me happy to see somebody else caring about him. However, when he got into chocolate at my workplace this summer, all she did was yell at me and make me feel worse then go on to say it was his own fault and brushed it off as "he's fine." This is when I realized she doesn't actually care and love him the way I thought.

I have not spoken to my mother in almost 2 months and though it has been emotionally difficult at times, it still have been better than being in contact with her. I'm not saying this is what will work for you, but I just wanted to share a little of my story to show that you aren't alone and you are among people who understand.   

Like the others have posted, what kind of threats does she make? The extremity of these could probably help you decide what the best solution will be for you and your children.

[G123]

Well thank you for your responses and it does help to hear a bit of your stories and to hear you understand. Well it’s be easiest to inser a copy of one of her most recent letters, but I don’t think you can do that here. She decided, well demanded she should have guardianship of my very difficult teenage daughter and that if I didn’t just give it to her the reasons why it would be very bad for me. I was terrified that with all the problems I was already having with my daughter, and knowing what it was like to grow up with her as a mother that it would be an abuse I wasn’t willing to inflict on my child. Then she filled for and emergency removal, which was denied, but opened a case. My daughter knowing this thought she could avoid consequences to her actions by going to stay with my mother. The judge said since my mother has no criminal record and based on my daughters age she felt no reason not to grant my mother guardianship. My mother has not let me, my ex, or my 7 year old son talk to or see my daughter since July. She’s now filed for child support and has threatened if I can’t pay to have a marshal posted at my work to collect income. She won’t stop sending nasty texts and I continue to tell her unless it has to do with my daughter to leave me alone. Nevertheless it never seems to work

[Harri]

Good grief!  What a mess.

I can certainly understand your hurt and reason for reaching out here.  We have had some people post here with similar stories though I am not sure there was ever action taken by a judge, at least not on this board.  We can help you here with emotional and physical boundaries, acceptance and possibly crafting ways to communicate with your mother that may help reduce conflict if that is something you are interested in.

I also think you would benefit from posting this last post of your on our Family Law board.  We have several people who post there regularly who are familiar with the court system and some of the laws regarding custody.  The wisdom and the experience of people on that board is really quite remarkable and they are very good at dealing with boundaries, communication strategies and the self care needed in such volatile situations.  How would you feel about making another post there?  I can help you with that if you'd like.

[G123]

Good morning,
Thank you for the helpful tip. I really do appreciate it very much and will definitely look into it, but because of my most recent problems with my mother i feel that you may be thinking that that’s all there is too it? And it’s a little upsetting. I really hope I’m reading way more into this than necessary and please let me know. You’ve been so kind and I don’t want to seem like an ass.

[Harri]

Good morning,
Thank you for the helpful tip. I really do appreciate it very much and will definitely look into it, but because of my most recent problems with my mother i feel that you may be thinking that that’s all there is too it? And it’s a little upsetting. I really hope I’m reading way more into this than necessary and please let me know. You’ve been so kind and I don’t want to seem like an ass.

That is very far from what I was thinking. 

I referred you to the Law board for help in what seems like a very difficult situation to hopefully get some help with possible strategy. 

I mentioned acceptance as a way to help you cope as you search for solutions and possibly ways to effect change.  Acceptance is not about giving up, it is about accepting what is right now so you an work on things for the future.

[Kwamina]

Hi G123

This is a very tough situation and I am very sorry you are dealing with it. Your mother's behavior indeed seems highly problematic and I find it quite disturbing what she did to get guardianship of your daughter.

I can imagine how hard this must be for you not talking to or seeing your daughter since July. How is your 7 year old son dealing with this situation?

….because of my most recent problems with my mother i feel that you may be thinking that that’s all there is too it?

As Board Parrot I can say that this specific situation with your daughter staying with your mother and the judge granting her guardianship, has certain legal components to it that the knowledgeable people on the Family Law Board might have some valuable insights on. That board might be an additional avenue of support for you as you also continue posting on this board.

You mention that you've been trying to seperate yourself from your mother for years. Boundaries are indeed very important when dealing with disordered family-members as boundaries help us protect ourselves and preserve our own well-being. In what ways have you been trying to separate yourself from your mother?

... .hopefully this understanding will give me a little more strength in order to not cave against her numerous threats towards me or my children.

Threatening/demanding to take your child from you is very extreme. What kind of other threats has she made over the years?

The Board Parrot