First Extinction Event? Advice And Moral Support Needed

[Figures]

So I think I'm experiencing my first extinction burst and not sure what to do.

My SO has been acting 'strange' since I went away for a weekend.  I got the vibe from them that they are jealous but I don't know about what.  We're in this strange limbo where past relationships have caused them to be emotionally unavailable / untrusting but at the same time they are flirty and we do everything together like a married couple.  So we're together and not together

We've been using Pokemon Go as a way to help them be more social and it's been a great help.  However, a week or so ago my SO had a small episode in front of people where he started using his nephew to belittle me  (I wrote a post on it here).  He knows this is a boundary and I shut it down calmly and politely but my SO felt embarrassed.  He thought I should have just taken it / laughed it off.  I said we all have triggers.  He projected that I had been the one causing a scene when in truth no-one heard it.

He goes silent when he's raging.  He uses it as a weapon and I find it difficult because I sometimes also go silent to give him space to self-soothe.  I think it's both for defence / needing a time out.  I feel I need to communicate that.

Some difficult things about his past came up at the weekend.  I think some of these things are so difficult for him to deal with emotionally that he lies to protect himself.  But then i find out X is Y, and Y is X and it both throws me and annoys me.  I thought his episode was over and with hindsight I probably could have handled things better.  It was probably a little too soon but it came up in conversation.

He goes silent again, and it gets to me this time.  I have two days of anxiety  (in part caused by the car breaking down, but mostly because of this).  I send him a picture of a Pokemon I caught (because it's non-offensive) and he doesn't respond for a day (which is unlike him unless he's deliberately ignoring me).  I arrange to go out with one of our other friends who offers to drive me around.  Feeling like I do, I NEED to be around people.  They can see something is up with my SO, but they put it down to mental illness and don't pry.  It's not my place to elaborate but I'm not bad mouthing him.

I get a text that evening saying he's been at his mum's  (makes no sense, he can text from there) and pretends like nothing has happened and wants to meet up.  I say I can't as I'm with other friend but can come round after.  He says he'll meet us in town and I say sure.  If I'd said no, I fear it would just spike his jealousy.

So he turns up on his bike and he looks TERRIBLE.  But instead of hanging around, he takes off after a minute or so.  I then get a text telling me that things were super awkward.  I think he feels I've been slagging him off to this other friend (which I haven't) but obviously they have at least seen him acting odd this past week.  I said I'll come round afterwards still.  He tells me not to bother.

I wait until this morning to reply.  I say he's scaring and worrying me and I'm happy to talk but the emotional abusiveness and silence is impacting my health and so I'll need to take a time out if it continues.  This is the first time I've communicated a time out.  I said I would go round tonight to talk and he could choose not to answer the door or be out but I'd take that as being silent.  Maybe that was too much of an ultimatum but I've found with past incidents that he wants to be chased (so at least by doing this I'm doing it on my terms)

He responds telling me that it's not always the BPD, that I've barged into the Pokemon Go community and "made it all about you".  I've blown his chance of making new friends in that community as a result and he finds it unfair.  He wishes that I'd just left him alone and thinks it better if we don't speak.  He tells me not to come round.

I'm currently feeling FOG... .I want too soothe and validate.  I want him to have friends.  Heck, I shut down the incident with his nephew because people were raising eyebrows.  But I'm not going to sit at home and do nothing when he goes silent on me.  I feel he's trying to isolate me (and as it is there's no-one I can talk to about this stuff that doesn't think he's toxic and emotionally abusive).  And lord knows, I'm not perfect but I've tried not to JADE.  I'm pretty sure this is an extinction event and whilst I was semi-prepared for it, it's still hit me hard.

So what do I do?  People with more experience in this stuff than me:  Give me your play-by-play of what you would do!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BeagleGirl]

Figures,
It's inspiring to see your enthusiasm about learning and using the tools.  It's also great that you're reaching out for insight/advice on how to implement them in specific situations.  I learned a lot from reading this type of post when I first joined the site.

I want to make sure I understand the situation a bit better before responding to your question.

An extinction burst is usually a response to the implementation of a specific boundary.  It's designed to push the boundary holder to yield the boundary.  With that definition, do you feel like this is an extinction burst?  If so, what is the boundary that you feel your SO is reacting to?

Can you summarize the behavior(s) that you find unacceptable?

BG

[Figures]

Hi BeagleGirl,

It's mainly the emotional abuse (including the silent treatment).  Usually I let him rage (dismissing my emotions, belittling me) and go silent on his own terms, but I told him via text that if he's non-communicative or abusive then I'm going to have to take a time out for a couple of days for my own health.

I felt his response was to provoke me into responding (possibly apologising / soothing his current emotional need) whilst also trying to regain control ("No, I want you to be silent"). I guess he did respond (that's good) but I also found out he blocked me on his only social media.  Ordinarily I'd have tried to placate him, validating the positive,  but today I've just left him to it.

I'm still not sure I did it correctly.  His response that it's not BPD, he's just genuinely pissed off with me makes me feel that I haven't acknowledged the emotion and have instead invalidated it as "something not real".  I also feel there's always a powerplay here.   He wants to be in control.  I can empathise to a degree but he'll lash out to achieve that.  I get there's a genuine worry that if I hang out with mutual friends without him when he secretly knows he's being unacceptable, I *might* (in his mind) be bad mouthing him.  I'm not.   But his answer to tell me to stay away is unreasonable.  I have to remind myself that he's isolated himself, I've not isolated him (which I suspect is the current narrative in his head)

[pearlsw]

Hi Figures,

I wanted to be sure you had this link to some information on the site: BPD Behaviors: Extinction Bursts

It discusses how when we try to change our behaviors (to improve things hopefully) this can become difficult for our partners or friends with BPD.

Here is a quote from that page to give you a sample:

Extinction Bursts - Important to Understand when your Loved One has BPD.

We all know that life is a journey and that it’s important to have focus and objectives. This can become difficult if the person "traveling" with us has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Because of the associated impulsiveness, hypersensitivity, and dysfunctional coping, people with this disorder often "wander off the path". And we often feel compelled to chase after and cater to them, which, in turn, diverts our focus and often results in anxiety, abuse, and dysfunction for everyone.

According to bpdfamily.com, extinguishing this pattern isn’t easy, yet it is an essential first step in having a healthy relationship.  Taking care of ourselves may feel like a selfish focus - but as the emotionally healthier one, it’s important  that we not get bogged down in BPD induced dramas.  And it's important that we understand that our BPD loved ones aren’t mentally fit to be leading the relationship.

So what do we do?  When the person with Borderline Personality Disorder becomes dysregulated or depressed. bpdfamily.com recommends that you give them the space to self sooth - not try to do it for them.  Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage. It’s not easy to block out the distraction and emotional pleas for our attention, yet it is only with a critical pause that we can really stay on a constructive and healthy pathway.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior.

When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst.



Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops.

Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again. This is known as spontaneous recovery or the transient increase in behavior. Be aware of this eventuality. It is a part of the extinction process. Don't be discouraged.



This is OK, as long as we anticipate it, understand it, and are prepared for it.  The same is true for spontaneous recovery.

They won’t like this, but it is a necessary for them to experience and to learn to self sooth their own frustrations in life.  It is what will bring on the opportunity for change.   When we do it, we block this opportunity for change and we subvert our own emotional health.

We can not allow others to lead us astray on our journey. In time, if we stay committed to our path our partners will adjust.  And we won’t be subjecting ourselves to as much pain.  

Co-authors: United for Now, Skip

Does this help you with your situation?

take care, pearl.

[BeagleGirl]

Figures,
I hope that what pearlsw provided helps clarify some things. 

I have an especially hard time dealing with the silent treatment (ST).  Creating/maintaining boundaries to deal with it seemed counter-intuitive.  You mean I just let him NOT TALK?  I give him space?  I think that the key is to do so in a way that indicates that your behavior is not being influenced by the silence.  I think that acknowledging that you both may need some time to process your thoughts and that you'll be happy to continue the conversation (would he like to set the timeline for the continuation?) and in the meantime you will be going on about your business with or without him is a good approach.  I wish I were better at doing that. 

It sounds like you may have told him that you attribute his behavior to BPD.  Is that accurate?

BG

[Figures]

Thanks Pearl.  I read that article carefully beforehand  to prepare myself

Beaglegirl - I don't feel particularly good at it.  His comment that not everything is BPD has me questioning if I've been unreasonable in attributing his latest annoyance to it.  Am I subconsciously trying to deny him access to mutual friends by hanging out with them, or is it the case that he's the one being unreasonable  (I did, after all, offer him to come join us and he did only to then take off saying there was awkwardness)?  He's the one who is staying away and I've told one friend that if he wants to hang out with my SO one night instead of me, that's totally OK.

I want to make sure that I'm not denying him access or manipulating the situation.  His exile is entirely self-imposed.  Even so, there's a compulsion to comply with his wishes to just stay away so there's no chance of us running into each other.

I still went out tonight with friends... .mainly because my anxiety still hasn't fully subsided and I was likely to do something otherwise that would have just made the situation worse.  He did some passive aggressive things such as sending in-game items to friends and not to me.  I wasn't surprised... .I was dreading worse.  But I still feel pretty low in going out.  I ask myself if requesting him to stop his emotional abuse was too much an ask.  I mean, that's his BPD in a nutshell and asking him to do that must feel as difficult as asking him to cure himself.

I'm listening to Stop Walking On Eggshells at the moment and I was struck how he must be feeling such shame at the moment.   Though I'm sure he blames me for it, he must worry that he's turned everyone against him.  That's not the truth but the awkwardness he projected last night must just be validating his fears.

But then I flip and remind myself that I'm not responsible for processing his emotions.  I can't fix him.  I can only help and validate the positive.  Whilst his emotions are valid, the way he's processed them is unreasonable.  I might be unable to tell him that, but I need to remind myself that they are not the way a non-dysfunctional person would have processed them.

[an0ught]

Hi Figures,

managing distance and being able to give each other enough space can be a very powerful tool mid to long term for stabilizing a situation and the relationship. In the short run it will be awkward and abandonment fear needs attention.

Hang in there  ,
a0