Friendship: please need advice on what to do

[macarena]

Hi family!

My situation might not be the most common. I have a very close friend with BPD traits (a history of family emotional abuse and neglect, periodic depressive episodes, difficulty to articulate feelings, impulsiveness, mood changes, difficulty in forming and maintaining close relationships... .- but of course, I'm no therapist to diagnose them).

We used to spend a lot of time together (we met or talked almost every day), about a year ago, we got through some really tough times (a serious depressive episode), we were very close emotionally, we also travelled together and were pretty much inseparable.

Recently, I told them I had romantic feelings for them, which I'm sure they also had at some point and to some extent - we were very close physically touch-wise, although not sexually; kissed me several times (not drunk or anything). They reacted... .in quite a disproportionate way telling me some things that were ugly and untrue, like I "forced" them to spend time with me and they felt obligated to do so (although it was usually their initiative to meet and they'd used to tell me I was the closest and one of the most important people to them).

This happened over two months ago, and after telling me all those things, they cut all communication (first blocked, then proceeded to ignore my messages). I never messaged in excess (3 messages in 2 months) and never insisted on further discussing romantic feelings. I just suggested we talked and told them that they were a very important person in my life and that it was extremely difficult for me to not be talking to them at all and I would like to work on just being back to normal.

They never responded. Last time I just asked to please talk to me, to which they responded blocking me.

Please give me some advice on what I could do in order to not lose them. I love them, and I think we had a great connection, and I would do whatever it takes to try and save this friendship (even if we stay just friends and never be anything more), because I believe it's important to both of us.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Figures]

Hi Macerna,

boy do I associate with this!  I have a friend who is exactly the same.  We'd message and see each other every day.  We were more than friends but we're not quite lovers.  We kissed a couple of times (after I bought them flowers) and I confessed my feelings for them, only for them to split me straight away.  The push and pull confused me.  Our relationship was stronger than people I've been engaged to.  They'd flirt.  Their nervous ticks (an insight to their thoughts) often told me to "f them".  However, if I made any move it was met by revulsion.  They were happy to have a relationship so long as there was no sexual contact and we didn't label it as such.

They'd not long come out of a 4 year relationship and I realised they were emotionally unavailable.  Couple this with the BPD and they were terrified of ever feeling that level of hurt again (which left them suicidal).

One day I told them just how illogical their argument was.  They'd said that the flowers were the most special thing anyone had done for them at the time.  They'd been the one to kiss me.  But they insisted that it meant nothing and that it was "embarrassing really".  I know this was rubbish as they'd had a glow to themselves for a week... and put them in pride of place to show to all their family.

Maybe not the best tactic but I went no contact.  My SO contacted me and I refused to reply.  They'd hurt me and I was prepared to loose them.  My SO got tearful to the point that it felt I was breaking up with them (Yeah, so you DO feel something for me then!).   It was only when I spoke to a relationship coach who told me (after telling me for most of the call to just get away while I could) was to accept that that was the way they were, they might change, they might not, and to just reply and hang out... .but to date other people.  They said that might bring my SO out of their emotional unavailability but if not I'd still have a great friend.  I'm not sure all of this is good advice but elements of it are radical acceptance.

We've had a couple of good months since (I've not dated) but currently my SO is splitting me black because I think they are missing me chasing them and feeling the lack of attention.  Couple this with new friends, and there's some jealousy there.  It's lead to them becoming very disrespectful to me (presumably to provoke me) and me setting boundaries and stepping away.  I have no idea if they'll come back or if I have already been ghosted.

So my advice to you is that you can't dictate the schedule.  You can't make them talk to you.  If they decide they want a relationship it'll be when they're ready and there's a good chance that whatever you do it won't be enough to get over the fear they feel.  It's possible that they've found a new Favourite Person and you're now part of a forgotten or twisted history.  You need to take some time to really accept that and be OK with it.  It's horrible and it sucks and it's unfair.

What I would suggest is change the pattern.  If they've blocked your number, they won't be getting your texts.  They may have even changed their number.  I presume you know where they live and you have a good idea of their triggers.  I would send them a card and either (depending on your knowledge of your friend) drop it through their mailbox (risky) or post it.

Keep the message light and short.  Hand write it.  They may tear it up the moment they see it's from you so you want to get your message across succinctly - a sentence or two.  It wants to say something like "We had some great times.  Contact me some time".  Include your details in case they lost them.  If you had a special in-joke that relates back to the time you just hung out as friends maybe incorporate that.  Use the techniques here to perfect that message.  Keep it fairly emotionless.
 I'd focus their attention to the time you were friends and NOT remind them of the romantic intentions.  If you have a photo of the two of you from that time, maybe include it (I know my SO hates their looks so it may be a bad idea).

And after that... .you tell yourself you've done everything you can.  leave it (no more texts), and let them come to you.  Let this be closure if you need it.  At some point they'll split their new FP and maybe make contact.  But they may never do so.

Possibly send them a card at Xmas if you've not heard anything by then but keep that message even lighter, just wishing them greetings and include your details.

It's a sucky situation but I hope this advice is of some help and solace.

[macarena]

So my advice to you is that you can't dictate the schedule.  You can't make them talk to you.  If they decide they want a relationship it'll be when they're ready and there's a good chance that whatever you do it won't be enough to get over the fear they feel.  It's possible that they've found a new Favourite Person and you're now part of a forgotten or twisted history.  You need to take some time to really accept that and be OK with it.  It's horrible and it sucks and it's unfair.

You are right, it's up to them to work on overcoming their fear. For me, it's both maddening and heartbreaking, to see how much they lose to their (not-so-conscious) fears, and although I completely understand where those fears come from, I feel so useless and helpless for not being able to make it better for them.
Thank you so much for your message. It helps a ton to know I am not alone in this.
I guess, I will just hope for the best and that they realize something and come back eventually. 

[pearlsw]

Hi macarena,

I'd like to join Figures in welcoming you here!

So, to be clear, you have been completely blocked by this person and told they want no contact with you?

I know it can be hard to hear, but sometimes people do have regrets or confusion once physical contact has been initiated, or feelings declared. The next steps are big ones, and things can move too fast for some, and not everyone knows for sure if/when/or how to take those next steps or to pull way back.

Unfortunately, as I read this, it does not sound like there is much you can do. You have reached out, been kind, but all is quiet from the other side. I agree, you would basically have to wait and see if they come to you. I know how terribly painful that can be and I am so sorry!

Do you ever run into this person? Have any common friends? Or are they totally out of your life for the time being?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[macarena]

Thank you so much for the welcome message, Pearl!

Hi macarena,

So, to be clear, you have been completely blocked by this person and told they want no contact with you?

Well, not exactly. I didn't get into all the details. After I told them about my feelings and they said all those things to me, they blocked me for several weeks, then unblocked. I asked if we could talk, they did not respond. After a while, they said they needed time to "have a break". I said it was fair enough and did not send more messages, they did not contact me either (that interaction was more than a month ago), until recently when I asked if they wanted to have nothing to do with me, or maybe we could try and get back to normal communication. I also said they were very important to me and it was hard to have zero communication at all. They did not say yes or no to this, and then they blocked me again.
So no, they never actually told me they want to stop speaking to me whatsoever (I asked if me sending a message bothered them and they said no). I know they probably feel confused and not sure what they feel and how to act... .but this blocking and unblocking, together with not being responsive pains me because it seems like they don't value our relationship (in whatever form) at all. I can't really express how important this person is to me, and I really want to make it better somehow... .But maybe I can't and just have to wait.

Do you ever run into this person? Have any common friends? Or are they totally out of your life for the time being?

I do a lot, every day. We work at the same office. It is a relief (I would hate not seeing them at all) and a torture (They completely ignore me unless something work-related needs to be said) at the same time. We have several common friends, which we keep seeing separately for now.

Do you think there is hope?

[macarena]

I am just so so scared of losing them completely. And I miss them too much. And I try to be positive and have hope, but I also start feeling like everything I am doing is somehow wrong and I don't know what the right thing to do is.