Emotionally confused

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all. Just thought I'd update everyone with how I'm doing.
I've been going relatively well, finally figuring out where I want to go in life and making some changes to head in that direction.

I've grown a lot as a person since the breakup, but I still feel a lot of strong feelings for her. I've struggled hard with my thoughts to not attach myself to the various memories and feelings that come to me each day. Trying to let go of the thoughts of her are especially hard and on most days I just seem unable to. But I'm persistent to keep going

However recently, on a bit of a hard day emotionally, I broke my NC with just 4 words. A response to a month old message of hers to me. One that I posted here around a month ago as well. "I don't hate you"

I got a response back a couple of days later "Whatever you feel towards me isn't love"
I got angry at that, but I knew that she was getting worse with every day, so I kept it positive and brief.
But her response pretty much made what I said irrelevant with her next reply being. "Regardless, I just sent that apology because while I do hold quite resentful and hateful feelings for you, I do regret making someone I once loved feel pain.
I wanted to get it out there and let you know because I'll be dying soon.
 I hope aviation pans out for you.  Maybe I'll see you in the clouds."

I'm unsure how to feel. I feel angry now at the contradiction of how she 'hates me', because you don't keep talking to someone you hate, you don't feel guilt over someone you hate, you try your best to move on with your life and forget them. Which is something that we're both struggling, but especially her.

I honestly feel confused and I just want to solve this so I can stop feeling this way.

[PearlPark]

Hey all. Just thought I'd update everyone with how I'm doing.
I've been going relatively well, finally figuring out where I want to go in life and making some changes to head in that direction.

I've grown a lot as a person since the breakup, but I still feel a lot of strong feelings for her. I've struggled hard with my thoughts to not attach myself to the various memories and feelings that come to me each day. Trying to let go of the thoughts of her are especially hard and on most days I just seem unable to. But I'm persistent to keep going

However recently, on a bit of a hard day emotionally, I broke my NC with just 4 words. A response to a month old message of hers to me. One that I posted here around a month ago as well. "I don't hate you"

I got a response back a couple of days later "Whatever you feel towards me isn't love"
I got angry at that, but I knew that she was getting worse with every day, so I kept it positive and brief.
But her response pretty much made what I said irrelevant with her next reply being. "Regardless, I just sent that apology because while I do hold quite resentful and hateful feelings for you, I do regret making someone I once loved feel pain.
I wanted to get it out there and let you know because I'll be dying soon.
 I hope aviation pans out for you.  Maybe I'll see you in the clouds."

I'm unsure how to feel. I feel angry now at the contradiction of how she 'hates me', because you don't keep talking to someone you hate, you don't feel guilt over someone you hate, you try your best to move on with your life and forget them. Which is something that we're both struggling, but especially her.

I honestly feel confused and I just want to solve this so I can stop feeling this way.

[Mutt]

Hi PearlPark,


Anger shows attachment because you’re feeling something for that person. You probably already know that a pwBPD don’t completely detach it’s the nature of the disorder. Can you walk us through what you’ve thinking about when you told her that you don’t hate her? Have you been about forgiveness? Do you feel bad for going NC with her? Do you feel like you’re hurting her with NC?

[PearlPark]

Hey Mutt

I've really struggled recently in terms of trying to let her go. It seems really difficult to detach myself to the many memories I have of her.

I think's it's even harder as her BPD only manifested itself last year and has progressively gotten worse. So in many ways I feel so helpless and saddened to watch her just implode. I do feel some sense of satisfaction at seeing her following relationships fail, but eventually it only makes me realise how unstable and damaged she is.

NC has been excellent in keeping my anxiety from acting up, as there have been many things that she said that were incredibly hurtful. But I feel that going NC was also part of the reason for her turning to hate me.
At first it really hurt me deeply that she said to me many times that she hates me, but it never felt like she did. It always came across as her own inability to accept responsibility for her actions. To face her own guilt and accept that she had just as much of a part to play in our failure, but instead puts it all on me.

I really don't hate her, because I don't see the BPD as her, even though it's now a big part of who she is now. I just see it more as the girl I once loved is now gone from this world, replaced by this disorder. Unfortunately I still see the good in her, almost hoping that the person I once knew would come back.
The struggle of accepting that she won't ever come back, or that she won't come back for a very long time is incredibly hard. I feel a bit like Luke Skywalker in Return of the Jedi, where he still sees good in Darth Vader. Unrealistic to hold such a feeling, but it's something that I do

I think I responded more out of pity and sadness, trying to lessen the pain that is eating away at her inner core. Maybe a part of her is glad that I don't, maybe she doesn't care in the slightest. Idk, but I didn't want that side of her to have ammunition against herself. Because I know that my own anxiety used that against me, thinking that all her friends and family hated me.

[Sirnut]

Hi Mutt,

What did you mean when you said that a pwBPD doesn’t really detach - it’s the nature of the disorder? I’d like to know more about that.

[Mutt]

I've really struggled recently in terms of trying to let her go. It seems really difficult to detach myself to the many memories I have of her.

Many members here are like yourself - caregivers and have a really hard time letting go because they hope that a pwBPD will eventually get better or they hang in there hoping that they will.

Skywalker could of also been hanging on to hope about his father , hope is a good thing but it can also cause you a lot of suffering with a pwBPD. You said that you have a lot of good memories of her I’m not saying letting go of those memories but letting go of hoping that she’s going to revert back to the person that you jet at the beginning of the r/s.

Really she is both the person that you met and the person that you know now because of splitting in the beginning she didn’t see any faults in you this is also normal in a r/s with a non in the honeymoon period the beginning of a new r/s feels amazing why do we have so many love songs?

In a r/s with a non that would last three months to several months the difference is that the view of a non isn’t as polarizing because they can see the good and bad in you at the same time you’re not all good or all bad. The splitting starts when you’re getting intimate with a pwBPD, a pwBPD will only split the people that they care about the most.

I completely understand feeling guilty or feeling responsible because maybe you’re the only person that can believe that your pwBPD has good in them and can change but you can’t do that for her she has to want to do it - she is an adult and is responsible for herself.

You can have compassion with boundaries ( NC ) and good for you that you’re finding that it helps your anxiety I have anxiety disorders I don’t know about how you feel but I feel like I function better with everything work, r/s’s, leisure time when I gave it under control as best as possible because you can’t turn off anxiety when you have a disorder. I’m not saying you have one I’m just saying that I do. Take really good care of yourself with this time that you have with NC.


Hi Sirnut,

Hi Mutt,

What did you mean when you said that a pwBPD doesn’t really detach - it’s the nature of the disorder? I’d like to know more about that.

You’ll see it in discussions with different members when they ask why is my pwBPD doing such and such when they left me?

BPD is an attachment disorder they didn’t individuate in early childhood development from their primary caregiver and have damaged attachment systems anxious, avoidant and have arrested development at the young age of a child that’s two or three a sign of immaturity is multiple partners or attachments so that they don’t feel abandoned or left alone.

Look for a member called 2010, 2010 has very good knowledge about BPD if you’re interested.

[PearlPark]

You can have compassion with boundaries ( NC ) and good for you that you’re finding that it helps your anxiety I have anxiety disorders I don’t know about how you feel but I feel like I function better with everything work, r/s’s, leisure time when I gave it under control as best as possible because you can’t turn off anxiety when you have a disorder. I’m not saying you have one I’m just saying that I do.

Strangely enough, if it wasn't for her leaving me, I would never have discovered that I had anxiety disorder. Doc reckons I've had it all my life and I've been recovering from it this entire year. It's been quite a journey.

I think the hard part about the relationship is Mutt, that her BPD was underdeveloped when we met. Like that side of her was almost non-existent, but it was there. There were many times when she was unreasonable, but it was more to do with her own maturity than anything else. Because there were many times when she was reasonable, rational and very empathetic to my own needs.

It was just last year things happened that put a lot of stress on the both of us. Plus she was getting to the golden age for BPD's at 21 and it just seemed to kick in. Like a bear waking from hibernation, she turned into this irrational monster.

I just hope one day she gets the help she needs and deserves. Because underneath that disorder is a beautiful person that doesn't deserve the misery and pain it brings.