Two months

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

if someone just gives bits and pieces, how do you know what is going on... .?

Oftentimes, when interacting with disordered people, bits and pieces are all you get.  I get that you want clarity from him (an entirely normal, human thing to want, by the way).  What if he's unable to give it?  Do you have enough info to move forward?

[Insom]

if someone just gives bits and pieces, how do you know what is going on... .?

Oftentimes, when interacting with disordered people, bits and pieces are all you get.  I get that you want clarity from him (an entirely normal, human thing to want, by the way).  What if he's unable to give it?  Do you have enough info to move forward?

[formflier]

Juju2,

What is the date that the two months is up?  What support would you like from us as that date approaches?


What was your understanding of the nature of the relationship between your ex and the OW.  It seems that you were shocked by what you were told.

FF

[juju2]

Ff.

have given out a lot of personal details. This site reaches a lot of places... .some things i wont say.
Its 60 days give or take.
I didnt know the nature.  He would text me, nice texts, and then when i told him had plans to move his things, thats when he asked to call and opened up about his r/s being on the rocks, that me and him needed to talk anout our issues... .and last nite, he said was ready to call it.( o.w.)   I can only guess he wants me to wait for a reason that applies to us; because i asked am i being asked to  wait on the decision to put things in storage.? He said yes.
It seems like when i went no contact after visiting him in the hospital, then no mention of his birthday, that he started to move towards me... .

He opened up that he cant do the things he enjoys now, and other issues they have... .which was huge for him to share w me.   I supported all of his interests... .  maybe he is seeing all that we really had together.  In one of my email rants, i told him how sad i was to see him dehydrated, looking like shti, in the hosp for five days for overworking. I said what is causing him to wear himself out like that.
I finally accepted he had moved on, and he is showing up for me... .and am not getting my expectations up.  Already said will only postpone one time.  Am showing strength.

Guess i need support around being ok w whatever happens.   You all have been huge for me.   Every one of you.

[BeagleGirl]

Juju2,

I hear how important it is to you to keep your word to him about holding onto his stuff for 2 months.  That is a good indicator of who you are as a person.

One concern I have is that the holding of his stuff may be linked to whether you have a future together for one or both of you.  As an outsider, I look at it and think "Handing over his stuff does not prevent him from re-engaging in relationship with Juju2, and holding onto his stuff doesn't guarantee he will.  The stuff is just a complication/focal point."  Do you think that perspective may be accurate?  If so, do you think there is a way to detach the stuff from the relationship prospects?

I'm not suggesting that you go back on your commitment to giving him 2 months to reclaim his stuff, but I see some opportunities for you to shift how that looks to one or both of you.

I also see some opportunity around the vehicle that "links" the two of you. 

How would it feel if you were to remove every "link" that you or he might interpret as making it more convenient to re-establish your relationship and then have him still pursue relationship with you? 

My situation is far different, but I retrieved a pot holder and tupperware from a guy I have a "complicated" relationship with this weekend.  I no longer have that excuse to see him.  It feels a little sad and scary to not have the option to say "Hey.  I need that potholder, can I come get it?", but in a way it's also liberating.  If he reaches out to me, I know it's because he wants to, not because I've left some sort of obligation to do so. 

   2 months can seem like an eternity.  I know that some days are harder than others.  Have a bit of grace with yourself on those hard days.  And maybe figure out how to program in a delay on your texts/emails so you can retrieve them if need be. 

BG

[juju2]

Bg, others on here have encouraged me to get all our entanglements disentangled, for the reason you stated.
Pls share the things you see. I need all the help i can get.thank you!
It seems to me he wants this link.  I saw that w him reaching out, and also when he said on the phone, we have to have hard conversations around our issues.   That was huge!
We are going to talk in a week.  (In one of my text rants i said i need more to go on than breadcrumbs... .) part of me thinks he is waiting for the one yr mark for my recovery... .its a big milestone... .oct something this year.

[formflier]

Its 60 days give or take.
 

So... I think there is a time to be frank.

There is no deadline.  No consequences.  (No judgment bad or good)

It seems obvious to me, and I guess it seems obvious to others, that you are interested in getting him back.

That's OK.   

If I've overstated and you are ok with whatever.  That's fine as well.

Assuming what you have posted here is accurate, there is little chance that your ex understands those to be your feelings or intentions

So... to wrap up these comments.  Find a consistent message and consistently send that message.  We can support you with whatever you want to send.

Should you choose to want to continue sending him mixed signals, we can still support you in that as long as we are all clear about intentions and what we see.


As to your knowledge of the "nature" of his other relationship.  I simply don't understand how that can matter.

That he has another committed relationship with another woman, that seems to be what matters. 

Is my memory correct that you were aware her car was "always" there?  Even in the middle of the night sometimes?

Doesn't that give some hints about "the nature" of their relationship?

I circle around to my original point... .if I (we) are having a hard time understanding what you are communicating, a pwBPD has no chance of getting it right.

FF

[formflier]

  The stuff is just a complication/focal point."  

Someone I remember called this an "entanglement".  Many "entanglements" have lots of briars on them.  Every time you move... they poke you... and the other person you are entangled with.

Wouldn't it be better if Juju2 and her guy talked to each other because they choose to enjoy each other's company.  No entanglements.  No complications.

FF

[juju2]

Ff,

I get it.

Maybe all of you will help me.
I have it that he does know my intention.  He asked for two months, he said he likes the changes in me, he has seen the changes.  He has consistantly up until last week, told me not to wait for him.
Then the call, about holding off on the decision, w the explanation, his r/s is likely on the rocks.  (Basically, wait for him.)
I lost it last nite because he nvr shared they are living together.  I didnt ask.

I agree ff, the entanglements are an issue.   How do you live w someone 10 yrs and not have entanglements!  We have animals we share.  Ours.
I guess am back to baby steps... .

The message i could share would be, "you are an important person to me, i have gone thru a lot of changes, and ... .i would like ne and you to try again.  "(He basically said that to me, in our prev call, that "we have to have a serious conversation about our issues  (w,x,y,z."he named them)  i think he is telling me there is a chance, and first he has to get out of his current r/s... .which he said last nite, he was ready to call it...   i really believe he is seeing if i can be my word, (one of my biggest defects) if i can not go off the handle (defect), and
how do i act in the coming two months.?

That is what i believe in my gut.

I think he is testing me before becoming willing to see if we could try again... .

[formflier]

I think he is testing me before becoming willing to see if we could try again... .

This is "possible", but given the history and everything I know about him (and pwBPD like him)... .I don't think this is a "probable" thing he is doing.

Most likely... he is kicking "life" down the road two months.  Then... he'll see what he can get done then to kick it further down the road.

That is the pattern I've seen... .I haven't seen anything that suggests it is changing.

I wish I could share a better "view" with you. 

Again... .perhaps it is true that he never uttered the words to you that she was "living" there.  Yet... you did understand she was "always" there.

What is the nuance there that I'm missing or that matters?

FF

[juju2]

You lost me ff.  That i could easily make an assumption that they were living together.?  This is the first time he told me they are living together.
He is being open, giving information, saying for me to wait.
One thing he knows about me, is he could ask for two months, and leave it at that.
He doesnt lie, or tell stories.  I saw a change in our dynamic.
Plus, i emailed this will be a one time delay.  I have help, and thats it. One time delay.  There is no consequences, as me and family are moving the stuff.  No one knows him better than i do here.
I do not see why he would just do this.  Just to kick the can down the road.   And i am the first to admit, i could be wrong. 
The previous conversation we had, its in another string, candid conversation.  Nothing he says is for no reason. Economy of words.  And i do appreciate everyone, ff, all of you.   Each one of you has given freely to me.  Thank you.

[CryWolf]

This is "possible", but given the history and everything I know about him (and pwBPD like him)... .I don't think this is a "probable" thing he is doing.

Most likely... he is kicking "life" down the road two months.  Then... he'll see what he can get done then to kick it further down the road.

That is the pattern I've seen... .I haven't seen anything that suggests it is changing.

I'd like to echo this, Juju.

Sometimes, people tell us things we subconciously want to hear to benefit themselves. to keep us around for their own gain. its hard to hear/accept this that someone you love could do this to you. im not saying he is doing this, but from my point of view this is what it looks like. he tells you what you want to hear right when your about to leave, or keeps things afloat with no clarity for you to build scenarios in your head. ive had this done to me before. it isnt right.

[formflier]

You lost me ff.  That i could easily make an assumption that they were living together.?  This is the first time he told me they are living together.
 

What is the nuance that matters to YOU?  What is the difference in "hearing from him" that they are living together versus seeing with your own eyes that her car is "always" over there?

I get it... there is a "technical" difference there. 

There seems to be a massive difference to you from "hearing"... .versus "seeing".  (and that's ok... .I would just like to understand that better)

Perhaps knowing this part of you better helps us give you better advice and support in the future.

FF

[juju2]

Well friends,

From knowing him, 10 years, i hope he wouldnt just do this like this.  That would be cruel.  Truly.
So, lets say the tables are turned, im living w a guy, and i make up a story xyz yada yada.   When all i needed was could i have two more months please.
He is the one that wanted me to know what is going on... .i am not here to defend.  Sometimes i need a break fm here.  None of us are psychologists, that i have interacted with here.  Sometimes opinion is just that.  And specific experience, i know of 4 different couples now, that have gone thru separations and gotten back together, specific experience is more meaningful than opinion.  Its the difference between a picture of a mountain and climbing that mountain... .i appreciate you all most dont want me to get any hopes up.   I get that.  I am ok for now.  Thank you!

[formflier]

  And specific experience, i know of 4 different couples now, that have gone thru separations and gotten back together, specific experience is more meaningful than opinion.  

Great!  Specific experience is very helpful.  What... specifically... .did those couples do to repair their relationship?

How does what they did relate to what you are doing at the moment?

FF

[juju2]

Am taking a break frm here fir a couple of days

[juju2]

Basically i know of them.  One couple i knew the wife well.  Basically it was working on herself and not being self centered, learning to listen, and admit when she was wrong.

[formflier]

Juju2,

We think the world of you here at bpdfamily.  Me and everyone I know here are rooting for you!  I hope you find rest during your break.

FF

[juju2]

Thank you ff.

All i have left is being positive.   Help make someone's day a little better.  Am tired of being focused on a situation that is mostly beyond my control.

I want to live in a bigger picture.

The best to all of you.  You guys are everyday heroes.

[juju2]

Hi dear friends,

Am just popping in.  Am doing well.

Thank you for all of your generosity, kindness, and most of all, caring.   You all carried me.

Will be back on here soon.

With thanks,  j

[Cat Familiar]

Check in with your latest details when you feel ready, juju2.