Hit, threatened, tormented, and I have no idea what to do PART 3

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't feel any need to hide it at this point; in fact I want to drive it home that I need certain things to continue on in this relationship.

I would bring this up in couples therapy and say that you wish to have individual therapy to help you learn to help your W and also work on your self. I would be very surprised if given what your W has openly said in couples counselling, the couples counselor would not endorse that idea 100%.

[Enabler]

I don't feel any need to hide it at this point; in fact I want to drive it home that I need certain things to continue on in this relationship.

I would bring this up in couples therapy and say that you wish to have individual therapy to help you learn to help your W and also work on your self. I would be very surprised if given what your W has openly said in couples counselling, the couples counselor would not endorse that idea 100%.

[RolandOfEld]

I would bring this up in couples therapy and say that you wish to have individual therapy to help you learn to help your W and also work on your self. I would be very surprised if given what your W has openly said in couples counselling, the couples counselor would not endorse that idea 100%.

Yes I think this is a great strategy Enabler. Everything that gets the counselors endorsement goes over a lot better with my wife. She really respects and listens to her.

My suggestion to my wife, which I think she more or less supports, is a check-in session with our MC every few months, or an impromptu session when we reach a conflict we can get through on our own. I also plan to use the counselor as a reporting system - I'm still recorded all of the disordered behavior, but I'm highlighting the items I want to bring up during our next session.

If we run into extreme behaviors again such as hitting or stealing, I might initiate a session immediately. I personally strongly prefer this to going to the police ever again and I think leaves us on stronger terms to continue working on the relationship.

~ROE

[Enabler]

maintenance MC is a good idea. However, do you believe that your marriage is in the spot where you don't need regular weekly sessions? Feels more like early days than "it's okay" territory.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Enabler, weekly would be ideal, but from a financial (and time) perspective it would be too much of a challenge even with my wife's job. Our MC is at the much more expensive end of the spectrum, but she understands us the best and is fluent in both of our languages and cultures, which is vital. At best we could afford maybe once to twice a month.

~ROE

[Cat Familiar]

Hi ROE,
My husband and I saw a psychologist for a year of couples counseling. During that time, not much improved, but we were able to communicate slightly better, which certainly was helpful. I was able to assert myself more and my husband learned to interrupt me slightly less--so it was a net positive, but not nearly as much as I had hoped.

So a couple of years pass and I had grown increasingly frustrated with our relationship. I find this site and I contact the psychologist for individual counseling--and thus begins a far better chapter of our relationship.

With what she had observed, the P tells me that my husband has a personality disorder. I tell her what I've learned about BPD and she says that she doesn't like to differentiate amongst the various PDs as they often fluidly exchange characteristics. I realize that with his presenting persona that he seems more NPD and he saves the weak and vulnerable BPD stuff for me.  

I began seeing her on a weekly basis, with my intention of learning how to manage being around him and maintaining my equilibrium. Soon I cut back to every two weeks and after a year or so, I cut back to once a month. As things continue to get better, it's hard to even have "stuff" to bring up in a monthly session, so this year I cut back to every other month and as of this summer, I'm now seeing her on a quarterly basis, with the change of the seasons. She has repeatedly tried to fire me but I value the continuity and it's nice that she has seen my journey.

You've come so far in such a short time with your understanding and compassion for your wife and with the excellent people skills you share on this forum, you will zoom through your own personal counseling journey. What might be difficult is dealing with the grief and acceptance that your wife is unlikely to share the same speedy journey to emotional health. That can be painful to fully acknowledge.

I heartily support the idea that you seek counseling for yourself. Much good can come out of joint counseling, but it seems that if once a month is tops for your budget, that will give your wife time to savor what she learns through each session--and you will bring very little of your baggage to the marital counseling, as you will deal with that in your individual appointments. And as a plus, she won't be able to point fingers at you for issues, as you will be working on that on your own!

Cat

[Radcliff]

ROE,

You've made a lot of gains.  I know you're dealing with a very complicated situation, and need to make tough choices about when to assert yourself.  But underasserting yourself, and sliding back into an unsustainable situation with too few boundaries and too little self-care, carries just as much risk as overasserting yourself, maybe more.  I know you know this.  But it's so easy to slide back into it.  Be ever mindful.

The key question is sustainability.  What aspects of your situation would you say are unsustainable?

RC

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Cat, thank you for sharing your experience with counseling. Gives me a concept to work with.

Hi RC, great question, here's the breakdown:

Sustainable: the BPD temper tantrums, because they are confined to the home and manageable in the long term and I understand they are not easy to control in the moment.  

Not sustainable: dropping family responsibility because she's dysregulated. I broke the bike I take the kids to school on last weekend and didn't have time to repair it. So at first she traded keys with me since she has the key to our scooter for me to use. Then after an argument about whether our son wanted yogurt or granola she took them away, leaving me with no option but to taxi kids to school. Or suddenly blowing off our appointment to renew our son's US passport. Now he has none. I can't make appointments being sure they will stick. I had to turn down my company's request to send me to the US for a biz trip because I know I can't rely on her. Stuff like this that has made me realize I am more or less a single parent half the time. I am in a very foul temper about this today and this is the key point I want to bring up in our next MC session, which I want to happen very soon.

~ROE

[Radcliff]

I understand that she may continue to find ways to disrupt you, but can you take some steps to get around her control?  Such as making extra copies of the scooter keys (and I mean a few extra copies)?  Is the bike repair difficult to get done, or something that can happen soon?  Sorry to dip into problem solving here! ;)

It sounds like you've got a good handle on the sustainable vs. unsustainable issues.  What's your plan to tackle the unsustainable ones?

RC

[RolandOfEld]

Reinforcement via the MC sessions is key strategy. Now I highlight the items in my record I want to discuss in the next session, and when there are too many that means it's time for the next session. I am also taking much more detailed notes since my wife jumps on me in the session every time something is not clear. As I side, my wife has deep respect for our counselor and her advice, and the counselor is strong enough to enable communication between us that is otherwise impossible at home. I don't want to start throwing out divorce threats again but I do want to communicate clearly that I need certain things to continue in this marriage.

~ROE