Hello, how do you cope?

[snail77]

Hello, I've just joined this group after being directed to it via a free on-line counselling chat.

I've been with my husband for around 19yrs. Recently he's being diagnosed with BPD. Before that I was just living in a domestic violent relationship and could tell there were two sides of him, but we didn't know what it was.

He's getting better at coping with it now we can both separate his condition from him so it's all going in the right direction. Family and friends don't know yet so have no RL support. He's not ready to share this yet as is ashamed of his violence.

How do you cope when your partner is going through a dark bit of a cycle and your relationship needs aren't being met? I'm very affectionate but when he shuts me off I'm isolated within my own relationship and the fear of setting him off causes tension. Plus I have to constantly build a brick wall to emotionally protect myself so I can cope with this phase, then try to let that crumble and open my heart when it looks like he's ready to accept me.

I think I'm ok then sh*t builds up and I explode into an emotional wreck.

This time I'm seeking more help than usual because I bumped into someone I had strong feelings for before meeting my husband (but nothing had happened with him) then out of nowhere I've become anxious and emotional. Like it's set something off. So something must be going on despite me thinking I was ok.

Thank you for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi snail77,



Does your husband have many of the symptoms of BPD? Have you had a chance to read up on it in the lessons to the right of the board here or done reading elsewhere? What led to him being diagnosed?

May I ask, is domestic violence still an ongoing issue in the relationship?

Is there anyone in RL you would feel comfortable confiding in? We’re here too, in addition to whatever RL support you have!

So at times he cuts off affection from you?

At what points do you become an emotional wreck?

Running into this other man made you feel anxious and emotional? Can you share more about this?  What do you think is going on for you?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[snail77]

Hi snail77,



Does your husband have many of the symptoms of BPD? Have you had a chance to read up on it in the lessons to the right of the board here or done reading elsewhere? What led to him being diagnosed?

May I ask, is domestic violence still an ongoing issue in the relationship?

Is there anyone in RL you would feel comfortable confiding in? We’re here too, in addition to whatever RL support you have!

So at times he cuts off affection from you?

At what points do you become an emotional wreck?

Running into this other man made you feel anxious and emotional? Can you share more about this?  What do you think is going on for you?

wishing you peace, pearl.

Thank you for your reply and welcome.

I'm reading up on all the info bit by bit. So nice to see so much relevant to us as previous things I've found has just been about those with it.

He's still finding out what sort of BPD he has. He started counselling a year or so ago when he was suicidal and that's when he was diagnosed but had to stop going to the sessions for other reasons. He's back on the waiting list. So as a couple we're still learning about it all. After 19yrs of being together I'm finally seeking support now I know this isn't going away.

Yes DV is still an issue but now he knows it's the condition not him he's better at snapping out of it. Last time it started to rise i asked him to leave the house. He refused so I said me and the kids will instead. It managed to get diffused but it's far from over.

RL is very difficult to confide in people as he's not told people about what he has and many people would be concerned about the DV element as perpetrators have such a bad stigma. So I cant tell the whole story to people.

Yes he shuts people out including me. Sometimes he doesn't sleep at home while he sorts his head out or goes for long walks. Usually visiting his suicide spot I think. He's not been as bad recently but it's always a possibility.

Or the other one is he doesn't accept love from me because he doesn't think he deserves it so I have difficulty doing anything nice and affectionate with him while he punishes himself.

I've only become so anxious after running into this man. I held a lot of feelings for him and there's a lot of emotions locked in with memories of the time I knew him. I don't know why it's affected me so much. I'm trying to work it out.

[Radcliff]

I've only become so anxious after running into this man. I held a lot of feelings for him and there's a lot of emotions locked in with memories of the time I knew him. I don't know why it's affected me so much. I'm trying to work it out.

In order to survive in a difficult or abusive relationship we get used to denying our own feelings and needs.  Seeing this other man may have reawakened those feelings in you, exposing the big gap between your needs and desires and where you actually are.  It doesn't suggest any conclusion about the future of the relationship, just that you may need better balance between the compassion you are expressing for him and the compassion you need to express for yourself.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation?  Do one or both of you work?  Does anyone stay home?  Do you have kids?

RC

[snail77]

Yes I think you're right.

We have two young children and both juggle work and childcare as have no family where we live so no support. He's under a lot of stress as he's self employed and isn't going well. I work two part time jobs.

I'm very much the 'strong mum' there for all... .but myself.

Although we're both very supportive of each having individual interests in practice neither of us have time or money to express those interests. The things I've wanted to do are more along the spiritually nurturing side but rarely get as chance to attend things I want to get to.

The kids are young so I'm positive about the future and know it's just a tough age to parent for in terms of our time demands. Just need to ride this bit and enjoy what we get from a young family.

But yes, I feel like I need to look after myself and am definitely feeling like there's one way giving. He's always so stressed and exhausted he's barely hanging in there with his general day to day tasks so I can't ask him to give me anything. I have to find that affection and love some other way which is still healthy for the relationship. But how?

[pearlsw]

I have to find that affection and love some other way which is still healthy for the relationship. But how?

Hi snail77,

What do you have in mind? Are you wrestling with some troubling thoughts and feelings? Want to talk it out a bit?

sincerely, pearl.

[snail77]

Hi snail77,

What do you have in mind? Are you wrestling with some troubling thoughts and feelings? Want to talk it out a bit?

sincerely, pearl.

I'm avoiding temptation for looking to have affairs again. That's what I'm wanting to replace. Before kids when we didn't know what it was, I'd seek love elsewhere and his violence was affecting my closeness with him. We've always been best friends so that's remained but sexually I couldn't open up to him and leave myself vulnerable.  Since kids and knowing more about the why's of his violence I've just been absorbed in motherhood. Then meeting this bloke from the past shook me. I'll probably not see that particular man again but when I'm feeling I need affection and sexual attention I want that to go to my husband.

I've read that triangle thing - victim perpetrator rescuer -  and in the past the third person, my rescuer, was the man I'd have an affair with. I'm not a victim now but worried I'll feel a need to still reach out and find a sexual based rescuer as this is a coping habit I've always used

[pearlsw]

Hi snail77,

I am sorry to hear what you are struggling with! Mental illness and domestic violence can certainly add a lot of stress, strain, and confusion to a relationship.

So, you felt tempted again, but you managed to turn away from that?

I think it’s better to talk it out here than to go down a path that would lead you back into troubled waters. Glad you felt able to open up!

Are you interested in/able to turn these desires back towards your husband? Is there enough love or feeling there from your side? Is your dream to have a life with him if at all possible? Is the issue mostly about him withholding affection from you? Does he do this to punish you? Or other reasons?

You would describe your husband as your best friend, but you don’t feel able to really open up and be vulnerable with him sexually, is that correct? And this is because he has been violent in the past? Is the violence behind him now? Or is this something that still emerges from time to time?

with compassion, pearl.

[snail77]

Hi snail77,

So, you felt tempted again, but you managed to turn away from that?

I think it’s better to talk it out here than to go down a path that would lead you back into troubled waters. Glad you felt able to open up!

Are you interested in/able to turn these desires back towards your husband? Is there enough love or feeling there from your side? Is your dream to have a life with him if at all possible? Is the issue mostly about him withholding affection from you? Does he do this to punish you? Or other reasons?

You would describe your husband as your best friend, but you don’t feel able to really open up and be vulnerable with him sexually, is that correct? And this is because he has been violent in the past? Is the violence behind him now? Or is this something that still emerges from time to time?

with compassion, pearl.

Unfortunately I would have totally gone down the path with this other guy if it was practical and interest met. So I'm not over the option of having an affair and this is the first time I'm addressing it as a thing that has to be replaced.

The reaction I've had with this guy was mega OTT. It's set off an anxiety I've never known. I've always been a comfort eater (not to a problematic level) but meeting him has set off an anxiety that stops me sleeping and I think food is disgusting. I've got enough about myself not to develop this into a serious mental health issue so can address that. But the fact I had this extreme reaction when I wasn't even looking for any other sexual attention has rocked me. It's scared me how easily I can just be emotionally pushed off a cliff like that.

Yes I've already split up with my husband pre marrage/kids 9 years into the relationship, and made the commitment to return and stay with him. We split up over his undiagnosed BPD and I always knew there were two sides to him. I wanted to stay with the 'nice' side and thought we could get rid of the 'nasty' side. I helped him access help when we'd split up as I still loved him but couldn't go on the way we were. We reconnected and I want to live my life with him. We've only recently discovered how deep set this is ie part of a disorder, which also means admitting I need to set myself up in life for not always seeking affairs to cope with him.

He withdraws from me as part of his BPD. He shuts people out and isolates himself. When he manages to get back onto the counselling sessions I'm sure he'll be able to work through his side of things and maybe we can connect better then. But right now while he's really stressy, it's that walking on egg shell time and he's not feeling attractive or worthy of my love, and I've got my barriers up so if he's aggressive I can keep cool and distant from it without getting emotionally bashed by whatever he throws my way.

He's still violent, it's always a possibility although is getting better at leaving the house and sleeping elsewhere if he thinks he's a risk, or recognising that it's not him, it's his disorder, so can come out of it quicker if I'm calm enough to pull him out of it.

I just find the idea very difficult to be in a relationship where you'll always feel alone. He doesn't sleep in the same bed as me because he's so restless at night. So it's like I'm not getting a 'full' relationship and wanting to patch up that empty space with another man.

Thank you for working through this with me. My head's been a mess since meeting that other guy.

[pearlsw]

Hi snail77,

A lot of us have been there in one way or another!

Here are some posts from the Learning Board that might help you:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325979.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326364.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326262.0

wish compassion, pearl.

[snail77]

Hi snail77,

A lot of us have been there in one way or another!

Here are some posts from the Learning Board that might help you:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325979.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326364.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326262.0

wish compassion, pearl.

Brilliant I'll check them out later. So glad I've found this group xx

[BeagleGirl]

Snail 77,
I wanted to hop into the conversation and say "Hi".  As you'll see in a bit, I've walked some of the roads you have and I'm happy to walk this road with you. 

I met my dBPDxh when I was 14 and he was 15.  We married 5 years later.  When I look back, I can see the BPD traits going all the way back, but I tended to (due to my own family of origin (FOO) issues) take ownership of the problems in our relationship and think it due to something I was doing and/or something I needed to fix.  dBPDxh would often withdraw and used silent treatment (ST) and other emotional abuse techniques all through our marriage.  I have no idea how many abuse cycles we ran through in the first 18 years of our marriage, but I finally hit my breaking point and "gave up" on our marriage.  I didn't feel like I could leave the marriage, but I also didn't feel like I could ask for anything more from him without setting myself up for more pain.  I decided to do my own "withdrawl" and just give him what he asked for (mostly sex, money and a comfortable life) without asking for anything in return.

It was a lonely and pretty hopeless life.  I got a lot of fulfillment from my job, kids, and friends, but I definitely know what you are talking about when you talk about that "empty space".  And then there were the constant hurts that I needed to absorb.  Well, eventually a man came into my life who wanted to fill that "empty space".  The emotional aspect of my affair lasted about 6 months, but after we confessed our feelings for each other and started a physical affair I started dealing with panic attacks that became debilitating.  I ended the affair 6 weeks after we became intimate, confessed to my husband and spent years trying to reconcile and rebuild my marriage.

There's a lot more to my story, but I wanted to hit the highlights of our similar experiences.  Feel free to ask questions if you want me to fill in any gaps.

When I read your story I see an incredible strength and hope in you.  I am so glad that you found this site.

It sounds like you are in a learning period.  There is a lot to soak in and a lot of tools that can help as you navigate a relationship with someone who has this disorder.  There are lots of good communication tools in the bar to the right  .  It's easy to get overwhelmed if you try to deploy them all at once, so it might be a good idea to pick one and let us know how we can help you practice/apply it.

I do want to address the DV aspect of your relationship.  I'm not an expert, by any means, but I have done a fair amount of reading on both BPD and abuse.  BPD can lead to behaviors that are VERY painful for those who love the pwBPD.  It definitely helps to understand how this disorder manifests and depersonalize the behaviors.  That said, those who love pwBPD do experience a lot of pain from these relationships.  You may not have come across it yet, but there is reference in BPD literature to the fact that therapists who are counseling pwBPD often enter therapy because it's so difficult.  I read that and thought "Yeah, and they don't have to LIVE with them!".

So I'm going to encourage some additional learning and self care.

-Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.  I found it very helpful in understanding what I was experiencing as abuse, building a vocabulary for the techniques that were being used, and recognizing when I could and couldn't hope for lasting change.
-Find a trained counselor/therapist.  If you need help with suggestions about where to look, let us know.  Having an objective professional who can help you find and start using these tools is HUGE help.
-Take care of your physical needs.  I know it's hard when you have young kids, but try to make yourself a priority.  Try to eat, sleep, and exercise well.  Try to find ways to "treat yourself", even if it's just a good book and a bubble bath one night a week.
-Keep posting here.  I would say that my biggest regrets in life stemmed from times when I was not being open and honest.  It's great if you can find people in RL that you can talk to about these things, but this community has been a godsend to me and others who have therapists, and RL people to talk to. 

Now that I've given you all these assignments   ... .How can I be of help?  Do you have any questions?

BeagleGirl

[snail77]

Thank you for your response BeagleGirl. Your time really means a lot to me.

I've been churning things over all night, thinking am I addicted to affairs? Reading other people's stories of their one affair when I've been on an on going look out for a parallel the whole relationship.

Before we broke up for a year,  9 yrs in,  we opened up our relationship so we could explore more sexual fun as individuals as there were things he wanted to do that I didn't, and I'm Bi but never actually been with women etc.

During that phase I broke up with him as something else was going on in my life (non relationship related) and I really couldn't carry him or be exposed to his violence during that time. Plus I wanted kids so it was a "you need to change" reality check for him.

Thinking back to that time of my life and comparing what I've been searching for, plus our beliefs as a couple on non ownership in a relationship, I really think I'm wired up for being polyamorous. I'm needing and offering so much love and affection it smothers one person. I don't need lots of different sexual experiences. But I do need to be affectionate and intimate to the point of being too clingy for one person. I have always been 'too needy' even as a kid. But it would have to be with someone I have those feelings for, not just someone for a 'bit of fun'. So its a very sensitive issues which may never be fulfilled.

This guy I met who set this all off would have been an ideal secondary person due to his chosen single life, diatance away as he lives over 2hrs drive away etc. I discussed it with this guy saying if my husband consented then would he be interested in exploring a more loving relationship with me. He turned me down not wanting to complicate his life and saying I'm projecting emotions on him and he'll never give me what I need.

So maybe now I've gone through the whole process and it's a definite 'no' from the man who started it, my anxiety might calm down once I've gotten over the rejection?

I gave my husband the highlights of what's been going on. He knows I've had some crazy reaction to him, he knows I'm identifying more with a polyamorous way of life. He knows this guy has rejected the possibility of me including him in my life. He knows I've got anxiety over it. He's supportive and caring about it all.

He doesn't know I have had previous affairs as I think this will dredge up too much of our past. The break up time is a sort of line we don't cross.

Maybe I'll take this opportunity to discuss with him those empty moments I feel and how we can reconnect. So think there's a silver lining amongst it all   

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you didn't get a reply on your thread!  It's been a while, how are things going for you?

RC