SO disengaging.

[conflicted55]

My SO is disengaging. No loving txt msgs for the last few weeks. States we see each other all the time... .that she needs space. States that I use the word partner too much and that even though we are partners I should not turn up unannounced at her place. Up until recently we both stayed at hers 99% of the time. She has withdrawn physical affection and intimacy. Does this mean there is someone else or is this a normal process for someone with BPD whom is struggling?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Coastered]

It is very normal with someone with BPD.  Its a push pull dynamic.  The more we want a relationship or affection the more they will run away.

If we settle for that and give up then they will probably reverse and try and engage.  It confuses the hell out of you and can, at times, drive you insane.

How do you know your partner has BPD?

[conflicted55]

I don't for sure know but it certainly explains the confusing, contradictory behaviour.

Have had the push/pull dynamic before but this time it certainly is much colder.

[pearlsw]

Hi conflicted55,

She didn't officially end things, just started acting differently? Do you get together at all now?

Have you had a chance to read up on the lessons to the right of the board or is this all pretty new?

It can be hard to wrap your head around someone's changing behavior when they once seemed to love you so much.  I know how much it hurts!  

warmly, pearl.

[conflicted55]

We get together but if I did not arrange it I don't think it would happen. However, it is more like friends. no intimacy and little to none affection unless initiated by me. Txts in the morning have stopped. Hardly any during the day and a brief goodnight txt at night. Always seems to be me ringing SO.

She has said that she does not want the relationship but in the same sentence will contradict that and it is usually if we have had words or she is stressed or both. it is like she splits me black and then withdraws but then after she has processed her emotions (her words)... .she then seems to split me white again.

When I challenged her on the lack of intimacy a few weeks ago (as this is new behaviour), I said that I thought when one partner was not wanting to be intimate ... .this could be due to another person on the scene. She later stated she was thinking of finishing with me and it would not be right to have sex with me then the next day finish with me.

I am bewildered.

[pearlsw]

Hi conflicted55,

Yes, this does sound like she is disengaging. By winding down the physical intimacy she could be building in the distance she needs to be able to end things. It sounds like she is a bit conflicted about the relationship.

Have you asked if you can talk about her conflicted feelings regarding the relationship?

I had a relationship with a non that ended this way. I noticed his behavior changing, he'd always been a bit conflicted about being with someone from a different background and culture from his own. We talked about it many times, over a few years, and it was just irreconcilable for him. It was painful and sad, we got along so well, never a conflict between us ever in about 4 years or so, but pleasing his family was really important for him. We remained friends and I still think the world of him. I am so grateful for the peaceful and loving way we brought things to a close. We talked and cried a lot over it, we made our hard choices about our futures, we lived with them. Gosh, I respect him even more when I look back now!

What do you think her conflicted feelings might be about?

wishing you the best, pearl.