Do all people with BPD fear abandonment?

[tired_wifey]

Hello, I just joined this group today because I think my husband may have BPD. He took an online test and his results came back as him having severe BPD. Some of his symptoms: he has hurt/cut/burned himself in the past, he has relationships in his head with women he isn’t close to and idealizes them, he loves me one minute and the next minute he doesn’t want to be with me, he plays the victim a lot and blames others when it is him that causes the problem, to name just a few. About 8 years ago he was diagnosed with having major depression with psychosis. One symptom he doesn’t seem to have though is fear of abandonment (unless he is doing a great job hiding it). So my question is, do all people with BPD have fears of abandonment? TIA

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[zachira]

Every person with BPD or any other mental health diagnosis is unique in many ways. Many people with a serious mental health diagnosis will have other mental health diagnosis as well. Mental health symptoms vary depending on sex, age, environment, severity and types of symptoms, what is going on in their environment at the moment, and many other things. In families like mine, where there are many people with mental health issues, two people with the same diagnosis can seem to be very different, and it often difficult to reconcile that they indeed have been diagnosed with the same mental health disorder.
What is true about most people with BPD is that they fear abandonment at times, and other times may appear normal, or have other symptoms that are more acute than fear of abandonment.
We are here to help in any way we can. Keep us posted on how things are going, and what you have learned, as we all learn from each other.

[Highlander]

Hi Tired_wifey, 

First of all, Hello  and welcome to BPD Family.  Your name says it all.   I completely understand your exhaustion as for many years my husband (H) of 12 years had BPD and it left me feeling totally exhausted all of the time  .  Zachira is correct, not all BPD sufferers need all traits.  At first my H didn't appear to have the 'fear of abandonment' trait as he didn't try and keep me by his side at all times nor did he latch onto other people and idealise them.   However, it is well written in research that Abandonment issues lie at the core of BPD and therefore, has likely led to your confusion.  I am not a trained professional but having lived with BPD, I can see a possible link in your H's behaviour and abandonment issues and here is why.

BPD literature relates the “I hate You, Don't Leave Me” trait as Splitting and yes it sure is, but I also saw it as a cross over into the Abandonment Trait. 

My H used to do this often.  He would say he hated me and wanted to leave me and the following day, when he was calm, we would sit down and talk and he would honestly say he had no idea why he wanted to break up with me the night before because that's not the way he felt at all.  This troubled me and I am sure also troubled my H for many years until H got a full diagnosis and I was told many pwBPD do this in relationships after the 'Honeymoon' period is over.

Then came the many years of therapy (T) for my H.  In my case, I was very much involved in this process and would see the same T as H.  At times we would have joint sessions and other times individual.  Note: Combined T involved my H's trust and is not always possible for pwBPD.  Anyway, we both began to see a pattern of abandonment for H throughout his life.   

I understand that this is not the case for all BPD sufferers, but in H's case, his abandonment issues stemmed from his mother (also his uNPD father but I wont go there – story would be too big).  In H's adulthood, his mother would often disown him (at times for years) for doing nothing necessarily wrong but not what she wanted him to do or say.  In other words H was recognising that his mother's love was conditional and he changed around her to please her so that she didn't disown/abandon him yet again.  Then he began to realise that she also did this to him in his childhood by not talking to him for long lengths of time (playing the silent treatment with her own children).  Also all H's T's strongly believe that she also has BPD as well as NPD.

When I met H, his mother wasn't talking to him for 1 ½ years simply because he was doing volunteer work that she disagreed with.  Then one day, she called and successfully charmed him back with no apology.  We then spent a further 9 years 'treading on eggshells' around MIL as she manipulated, lied and outright tried to break us up and why? It wasn't the most ideal situation but we both feared she'd abandon him again and I had seen how depressed he was about his mothers abandonment when I met him.  It was a catch 22 situation bc H had BPD and when he was depressed he'd self harm.  But we did make sure we lived as far away from her as possible (strongly advised by our T's) to avoid the regular drama.

Two years ago my MIL accused me of something ridiculous (her splitting) and for the first time H stood up for me knowing the result would likely lead to abandonment from his mother.  As a result the game began and all of a sudden she wanted to be the first to discard her son and not have it occur the other way round.

So when my H used to say “I Hate You” (Splitting) and “I want to leave You”, he was playing a game with me like the one his mother played with him his entire life.  He would split towards me, and unconsciously knew he was treating me unfairly and he believed I would no doubt leave him (even though I never even threatened to) so he was just trying to get in first.   To me this related to his 'fear of abandonment'.

So when you said your H says he:

he loves me one minute and the next minute he doesn’t want to be with me

Personally, I can see the relation between both the 'splitting' trait and the 'fear of abandonment' trait, like I previously saw with my H.  I say 'previously saw' because my H has now recovered from BPD after many years of hard work from both of us.  For your H, it is a massive step to acknowledge he has BPD.  Big congrats you've both come this far.   

On the up side, my H now recognises that his mother is toxic in our lives and will always be (as she has a type of BPD/NPD that she'd never acknowledge let alone seek treatment).  H vouches he'll never allow her to charm him back, thus has had to come to terms with the fact that he is now No Contact (NC) with his mother for the rest of his life.  There's no more BPD in my home, not from H, nor from my MIL.

[Radcliff]

Highlander has some good insights about how abandonment issue may be at play in your relationship.  Even if you discount abandonment, your partner may still have BPD.  There are nine DSM 5 Criteria for BPD.  In order to "officially" have BPD, one only need exhibit six of the nine criteria.  Even if a partner exhibits fewer than six of the nine traits, they may be considered to have "BPD traits," and the coping tools taught here can still be quite relevant.

RC

[tired_wifey]

 

Thank you all so much for your messages. After reading a bit more about BPD, I've realized that it seems to have a very broad spectrum. Some people seem severe and in my H's case, not so severe, but everyday I fear that he may want to leave me again. The last time he left me which was about 3 weeks ago, it was right after we had rekindled our relationship. We were the happiest we had ever been in many years and then all of a sudden he wanted to leave. When I spoke of this to my best friend, she introduced me to BPD. I had heard of BPD before but never knew what it was.

Highlander, thank you so much for telling me your story. After reading your post, I really am convinced now that my H has BPD. Your story sounds similar to mine! Even though my H doesn't show fear of abandonment, he definitely shows the splitting trait. He was abandoned by his father when he was 11 and has never dealt with it. His mom was a wonderful lady but they never really talked about the dad leaving. All issues were swept under the rug and I feel that's why he is still sick to this day. Highlander, I'm so happy for you that your H has recovered! I hope that my H will continue to acknowledge that he has BPD and get help. In the past he has not let me be involved in his recovery from depression due to shame and I fear it may be the same with this. I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL, but it sounds like the relationship with her is toxic and you two are better off without her.

zachira, thank you for this info, it helped a lot... .

"Mental health symptoms vary depending on sex, age, environment, severity and types of symptoms, what is going on in their environment at the moment, and many other things. In families like mine, where there are many people with mental health issues, two people with the same diagnosis can seem to be very different, and it often difficult to reconcile that they indeed have been diagnosed with the same mental health disorder."

And Radcliff, thank you for the DSM 5 Criteria for BPD. Very helpful!

 

[isilme]

tired_wifey,

When we think of fear of abandonment, we think of someone being clingy or super controlling.  The BPD push/pull of I will push you away when I get too scared or frustrated and can't cope with life IS part of the fear, but its not as obviously understood.

I personally think most pwBPD feel out of control, unable to stay their own emotions.  It's part of the skills they never really learned as young children, and so their coping skills with life, even if they are adult in many other ways, they will revert to toddler-esque levels of coping skills.  Toddlers use black and white thinking, and can very easily "hate" you and never want to see you when you insist they take a bath, and then want to sit in your lap later when all those bad emotions are past. 

In one way, I think since they blame all their emotions on us, the closest person to them, they think that pulling us closer or pushing us away is the way yo stay in control of themselves.  So, they get upset at work?  They push YOU away because you're the emotional scapegoat and they can't handle their own emotions.  You get to where you might actually leave?  They find some way to pull you back, either by being sweet or even manufacturing a crisis.  Either way, in their mind, THEY are controlling it.  If they push you away, you aren't abandoning them... .they are abandoning you, and therefore are the ones calling the shots. 

We, as the people closest to them, become an emotional prosthetic for their disability. 

Also, look into Black and White thinking.  You are either ALL bad or ALL good.  If you are all good, you've always been good, perfect, never hurt them.  If they get mad, you are now ALL bad, always have been, always will be, all you say is now suspect or a lie.  Their "facts" are actually their feelings.  There is little ability to maintain object consistency, where you can possess both good and bad aspects.  If he's feeling bad at all, you become the focus, regardless of any real reason for those feelings, and therefore he both needs to make you feel and to validate his own feelings, to deny you agency over yourself because you are now part of him, and he will attempt to work through his feelings by taking them out on you, blaming you, etc.

[tired_wifey]

Dear Isilme,

Wow, thank you so much for your explanation! You described my H perfectly. It makes sense now. The past few weeks my H has been acting normal - his normal, which is still childlike, but he hasn't pulled back so far. Like you say, when something bad happens he may do this again. He has tried to leave me several times since 2013. He has acknowledged that he may have BPD but I don't think he is getting the right therapy for it so I will have to talk to him again about it. I'm still walking on eggshells around him so I haven't brought the topic up again.

I really appreciate you for taking the time out to explain this to me, since I have been feeling so confused by my H's behavior!

tired_wifey

   

[Radcliff]

Now that you've got your bearings about the basic situation with your H, it's a good time to start picking up some tools to make things better, or at least, to avoid making them worse.  You can read about them in the sidebar to the right, but the best way to learn them is to work real-life examples with us here on the board, go practice in real life, then come back and discuss results.

Can you think of any interactions or situations that are occurring between you and your H where you'd like them to go better?

WW