If she is single, 30's and sexy, why?

[Husband321]

A lot of us have been put through the ringer by our ex BPD.  So much so that we are much more vigilant to look for red flags.

I am not a woman, but I wonder what life is like for an attractive, fit  and sexy woman.  

We know they are oggled and approached several times daily since their teen years.  If they decide to online date they can and do get hundreds of messages daily.  

So if you meet a woman like this, is her being single a red flag in itself?  You just caught her at the right moment in time? Nothing ever worked out for her before?

Secondly, how many women today monkey branch? Is that a red flag? Easier sexually than decades ago? Red flag? Insecure? Red flag? Clingy means abandonment issues? Flirtations is BPD siren type? Push pull games is some deep seated commitment issue? 1 out of 4 American women are on anti depressants.  Is that a red flag? What about others who use weed or too much alcohol? Red flag?

I guess my question is this.  After being burned and hurt by a BPD, how do you move on to look for red flags but NOT go overboard and realize that perhaps almost all people have BPD traits?  Like how to live a happy life in the dating world, without being quick to think every girl you meet is a possible head case?

[Mutt]

Hi Husband321,

I can understand that you might let some prospects slip away because we’re too rigid with boundaries. Many members on the site have PTSD Im not saying that you do only a doctor can diagnose look up hyper vigilance. If you think about i think that we don’t realize how much we’ve been through we’re going to be affected from that.

You could talk to a friend, family member or a member from here like yourthat doing right now. I learned to trust good people they’re not going to take advantage of me or hurt me they care and they have my best interest. Bouncing it off someone else might make you see something that you’re not it can help you stay balanced with your thoughts.

[Turkish]

What if this were a man? Same deal?

[Cromwell]

Hi Husband

to answer the "why" part... .it can only happen if given the chance to get to know her, there could be a multitude of reasons beyond being a threat. For instance, ive dated women that I thought were out of my league, it turned out they got very little attention because guys assumed from the outset they would be rejected. Some women are shy, despite being attractive. Some race home to the wine bottle, prosac or joint leaf because despite external beauty, they are depressed by being subjected to the toils and pressures of life in this narcissistic society and cant find a guy who doesnt see beyond the outward appearance. Being "sexy" can be a curse, my ex was literally harassed by guys, when you throw in self esteem issues and lack of assertiveness - wanting to be liked - finding it hard to stand up for oneself - i realise now where she found comfort being with me, why she was hanging around with an "old man" in age comparison. I liked her for her projected personality, as much as her looks - its important to highlight the crux of all this - the only way to discover is taking the time to get to know the partner and look beyond the cultivated image. Ive learned a lot in this relationship and yes there is value in "red flags" and the skill in noticing them based on experience.

Fools rush in, but at the same time, the opposite is not the cure; to be too judgemental based on paramaters like "30, sexy and single - somethings not right here" its just not enough to conclude and its potentially overlooking a gem of a woman who is worth giving a chance.

whats the worst that can happen after overcoming and healing from what just been through anyway - its not like I can be heartbroken twice, or hurt twice, enmeshed to that level as I was all over again, throwing caution to the wind.

weve all changed for the better as a result, or at least - id hope so, ill speak for myself at least - id give the single, 30s, sexy a try, theres nothing to lose, all the experience is there to draw upon from the prior BPD experience program.

youll find that if they are disturbed they will reject you once they feel threatened that you have started to see through the facade anyway.

[Cromwell]

sorry just wanted to add about the depression; most of the nicest people ive came across have suffered from the blues, who can blame them? Self medicate either with a few prosac or a bottle, or some weed, its not indicative of a fundamentally flawed person.

but at the same time, they can be.

its all about taking the time, be analytical. Where im with you is the general jadedness, this is not a "healthy" generation in my mind, Im with them nearly every day, devoid of any true personality, depressed at the least, it is a contrast to when I was that age. You might just find that the nice ones are also depressed, who can blame them? Find one and you might be the key to helping them lose "their" jaded outlook.

I tried with my ex, tried so hard, but when it comes to BPD its an exception - "see a psychiatrist" end of story. It is that simple but it was complex to get to that level of understanding. Sometimes you "lose" but thats not the point in not trying. Red flags are important but hypervigalance and labelling is just going to be strong a screening tool - the chance of losing out on a "false positive" result.

just take the time, set the pace, it wont be long if they have issues for them to manifest, that women I met recently I think I managed to naturally get her to lose her composure by - not - being "capitaved" by the first line of attack - I took a cigarette break even though I didnt need a cigarette.

always create a space to reflect is the key, the only way I was duped before was allowing myself to be over-run by the initial heavy seduction, I was blinded to anything but; single, sexy equalled GREEN for GO!.

lets not even engage brain that there might be a potential problem getting into. just slow things down and they will get more desperate, trigger abandoment in small ways and see how they react. for some reason they cant be left for one minute in a room by themselves, "where are you going!" like leaving an infant,  theres the red flag.

[BasementDweller]

Maybe she's an entirely good woman that was just discarded by her crappy BPD ex? Maybe she just left a cheating narcissist?

Anyone can be single at any time. It doesn't have anything to do with looks, gender, or personality disorders... .it has to do with timing and many other factors. I was single after my BPD ex went nuts on me. I neither have a personality disorder or any other major malfunction. From what I am told, and what my life experiences have dictated to me, I'm attractive. I have had periods of single-hood, and times when I'm in a relationship. It happens. It's always just been timing. Some people CHOOSE not to be in relationships for whatever reason. Often very healthy reasons.

Like Cromwell said - you'd be surprised how many very attractive women are single simply because they intimidate people, even if they are really sweet, kind, and loyal. I cannot count the number of times I have seen men bypass a woman who, for all practical purposes, meets whatever the current criteria are for "attractiveness" only to deliberately select someone considered much plainer. The honest ones will often tell you, "She's a safer bet, and less likely to go anywhere." Many men treat women they see as attractive as merely eye-candy and the ones they see as more average as "wife material".

And, most importantly, many women choose to be single because they love their independence and alone time. I chose to stay single for a year and a half after my divorce. Didn't accept a single date. Didn't even think about it. I wasn't grieving. I was living in my own apartment, alone, in a major European city and LOVING IT.

There are a lot of reasons why desirable people, men or women, might be single. It's not usually because they are nuts. Oddly, the "nuts" seem to be the ones who ALWAYS have someone at their beck and call. 

[Husband321]

There are a lot of reasons why desirable people, men or women, might be single. It's not usually because they are nuts. Oddly, the "nuts" seem to be the ones who ALWAYS have someone at their beck and call. 

This is funny but it does make sense.

My vagabond BPD ex somehow always has marriage offers from seemingly normal and successful men,  but that is probably due to how good she is at mirroring and pretending to be a perfect partner initially.

I also agree with Cromwell that a lot of people these days are depressed.

When seeing my therapist she also had to drill it in my head "this day and age is different than your parents generation. People do not have set roles.  And people do not know exactly what they want "

Here is an example.

Dating a girl now who is a very hard worker.  No bad habits etc. (and I dated others with a similar problem)

However, she feels disenchanted from the life she was sold to buy into. (College debt, career) etc. so she is tired of the work force, wants children, but has a load of personal debt.   

So (and this is a less romantic but I feel important question) who pays off her debt if we were to progress? Do I support her, future kids, AND pay off her debt while she stays home? And since she spent years studying and working, she is not able to cook, atleast at this point. And would she even LIKE to be a housewife even if she claims she would love to at this point?

These are the types of things we also run into these days that we did not run into in the past.  Even if she clicks some boxes, what does she really have to offer me?

On top of that, any point in the future she could just be like "well I am bored, you work too much to support us, I met someone else".  Which then leads to more financial ruin, alimony, child support etc.

I suppose when thinking too deeply it is all a bit depressing.

[BasementDweller]

This is funny but it does make sense.

My vagabond BPD ex somehow always has marriage offers from seemingly normal and successful men,  but that is probably due to how good she is at mirroring and pretending to be a perfect partner initially.

Ah yes! Hahaha... .that in itself is a finely honed skill that seems to "pay the bills" for a lot of people, isn't it? They know exactly what to say and do... .until enough time passes and it turns out they can't cut the mustard after all. 

I suppose when thinking too deeply it is all a bit depressing.

Very true, and we can even overthink it a lot, and sometimes sabotage ourselves into not taking a chance on something or someone that might be worthwhile. I'd say if you meet a good partner with a good enough head on her shoulders... .it's worth trying to work through the logistics. I agree that times are a lot more complicated in some ways than they were in our grandparents' day and age. However, if you meet a genuinely good person that is maybe trying to juggle and balance career/kids/debt, etc... .these are "normal problems". Challenging, sure, but two sane people working together can and often do manage these types of things.

A flip-side example (equally depressing in its own way) would be my experience with my BPD ex. I have no children, he has two, both of whom are self-sufficient and in their teens. They have a supportive and stable mother and a good step-father, and are very well provided for. My ex and I both have good careers, no debt, and he owns a nice home with ten years of equity in it. I moved in with him, split all expenses, including those for his kids when they were with us. I was faithful to a tee, a good cook, ("phenomenal" in his words) our intimate life was fantastic, and his kids and I got along great. We had no financial worries, no concerns about possible children, nothing to REALLY worry about... .except BPD. 

Aaaaand... .we aren't together anymore. It's truly sad. We really could have had it all. We DID have it all - except the mental stability part. Now he lives alone, fronting all the expenses himself again, and struggling. I didn't want it to end this way, but he did the Devalue & Discard Dance, and I didn't have a snowball's chance in hell against the demons in his head, no matter how stable I was or what I did right.

So... .point being - if you find a stable woman (who really is even MOSTLY stable... .) then having to face a few adult challenges together might be worth a shot. I think the ability to think rationally and plan rationally, as well as work WITH your partner and not have an "emotionally unbalanced power play" dynamic is probably a recipe for success, even if there are a few ducks that need lining up, logistically speaking.

But having ALL the ducks in a row, minus mental wellness? Still a colossal failure, unfortunately. :-(

I guess the key is being brave enough to take a chance, and smart enough to know what's important for success, if not perfection right out of the starting gate.

[JNChell]

I’m leaning towards approaching this from a different angle, if I ever decide to pursue a woman again. Currently, not a chance, although I’m at least finding women attractive in passing. No, not just their looks. The combo. Whether real or perceived, I’m slowly opening up my sexuality again.

I’ve read a lot here and read a lot from other sources. From what I’ve been able to decipher, our feelings and how we genuinely deal with these situations ultimately comes from us.

I’m trying damn hard to focus on my values and virtues and forming my boundaries around those aspects of who I am. My values, virtues and boundaries should be the gauge for what is good for me. Not whether she’s hot and 30.