just now learning about BPD and going through a divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I had never heard of BPD until recently, but lots of people have told me that my wife exhibits many symptoms. Now I have started reading up on it and am convinced that she has BPD. She has had tendencies ever since I have known her, but over the past several months, especially after her dad died recently of cancer, her episodes have become so extreme and frequent that I have had to separate from her. She is in denial and I have come to realize there is nothing I can do to help her at this point, so I am just trying now to protect myself as she has caused multiple physical confrontations and has issued a restraining order against me. I am filing for divorce, and we have two young children that live with her. I do not yet see her as a danger to the kids, but I am worried about how much worse she will get if she continues to refuse help. Thanks for any advice you guys can share with me.

[gtg962g]

Hello,

I had never heard of BPD until recently, but lots of people have told me that my wife exhibits many symptoms. Now I have started reading up on it and am convinced that she has BPD. She has had tendencies ever since I have known her, but over the past several months, especially after her dad died recently of cancer, her episodes have become so extreme and frequent that I have had to separate from her. She is in denial and I have come to realize there is nothing I can do to help her at this point, so I am just trying now to protect myself as she has caused multiple physical confrontations and has issued a restraining order against me. I am filing for divorce, and we have two young children that live with her. I do not yet see her as a danger to the kids, but I am worried about how much worse she will get if she continues to refuse help. Thanks for any advice you guys can share with me.

[worriedStepmom]

I'm sorry your family life has degenerated so much.

Are you still able to see the children?  How often?

Are you able to practice some self-care?  Divorce can be nasty, even without throwing in a personality disorder.  Therapy was a big savior for me.

[ForeverDad]

I have come to realize there is nothing I can do to help her at this point, so I am just trying now to protect myself as she has caused multiple physical confrontations and has issued a restraining order against me. I am filing for divorce, and we have two young children that live with her. I do not yet see her as a danger to the kids, but I am worried about how much worse she will get if she continues to refuse help.

Accepting that you can't fix her is a tremendous insight.  Many of us stayed far too long facing increasing opposition and sabotage.  If she has filed for a restraining order, you have an obligation to yourself and the children to defend yourself legally.  If it is unopposed, then she will try to use it to 'prove' how unfit a father you are.  Many here, myself included, have had allegation after allegation thrown at us.

In fact, when the court agreed I could pursue seeking Legal Custody (after a long Change of Circumstances case) it included a short paragraph that she had made a new allegation, the last of so many.  No one even asked me to respond to it.  In one portion of the decision it had stated some of her testimony was not credible (she had blocked a vacation I planned by demanding to get Kwanzaa even though she wasn't of Jewish descent and we had never observed it before) yet it included she claimed I had tried to strangle her years before.  Go figure.  Clearly it was included only for thoroughness.

Back to your issues.  Is the restraining order including just her or the kids too?  Early in a case the court and surrounding professionals don't know which parent to believe, or maybe neither.  So it is inclined to err on the side of safety.  If she claims being fearful or that the children are endangered, then YOU are the only one most interested in exposing your spouse's lies, innuendos, blaming, blame shifting and obfuscations.  It's your life, your parenting at stake.

Most of my ex's allegations were either ignored by CPS and other professionals or investigated and determined to be "unsubstantiated".  "Unfounded" would have been less passive and legally stronger wording but that's typically hard to obtain.  However, there was one claim of harassment or stalking that my lawyer said would be simpler to 'settle' with a deal.

I recall when my spouse responded to my divorce filing.  In addition to that response, the same day she filed a stalking/harassment complaint over in civil court.  (Yes, throwing as many spitballs at the chalkboard as she could to make as many stick as possible.)  Well, my lawyer said it was hard to predict what the judge there might do, my ex was a woman and mother so it could have been anywhere up to 5 years and even renewable.  So lawyer made a settlement where (1) no finding of guilt was clearly stated in the settlement, (2) preschooler son was excluded, (3) term was limited to several months (early December I guess so the holidays weren't impacted) and (4) the settlement was classified as one that could not be extended or renewed.

So if you do agree to take tests or classes, be sure that they are not a part of a 'plea deal' where you have to admit at least some level of guilt.  Pleading guilty can negatively impact you later on in your parenting goals, making parenting more of an uphill struggle.  It may be a fine point but one you need to make clear.  Also, as much as possible, try to get her to face the same requirements, to lessen the one sided advantage she has as the accuser.

It is essential that you read the essential handbook, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy & Randi Kreger.  Eddy is one of the foremost experts on handling high conflict cases.  In date order, he's a social worker, mediator, lawyer, author, lecturer, now with a website HighConflictInstitute.com.  Another expert is Richard Warshak who wrote Divorce Poison which focuses on the kids.

As for the kids being with their disordered parent, generally there is more emotional risk to them than a physical risk.  The emotional abuse can be far more impacting and lasting than physical abuse.  The kids deserve as much time with you as possible.  At the least they will then be able to observe how a home ought to be... .a stable, consistent and safe place.

[Newyoungfather]

Welcome GTG962G,
I've went through a similar thing, your not alone, this board will help you along the way.

[Panda39]

Hi gtg962g 

I'd like to join the others and say welcome.  I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has and undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).

What struck me in your post is that your wife's dad recently died.  My SO's wife's dysfunctional behaviors also escalated when her mom died.  I just wanted to point out that fear of abandonment is at the heart of BPD.  Her dad's death is the ultimate form of abandonment so she is likely very triggered at the moment. 

What was her relationship like with her dad?  My SO's ex was very close to her mother, I have always felt her mother kept her worst behaviors in check but when her mom died she became kind of rudderless... .the immediate dysregulation around her mom's death just grew into more and more dysfunction without her mother's influence (boundaries).  Her mothers's death was the beginning of the 7 year slow end of their marriage.  I don't know what your wife will do but thought, I'd share my SO's experience.

I agree with ForeverDad, it's really important that you spend time with your children, they need your non-BPD influence.  BPD Parents often see their children as an extension of themselves and can create emotionally inappropriate relationships with their children.  Parentification... .where the child becomes the parent's caretaker, emotional incest... .the parent shares adult information/conversations with the children, Parental Alienation... .when one parent alienates the children from the other parent.  I'm not sure how old your children are but my SO's older daughter who was 15 at the time of her parent's separation experienced all of the above.  I tell you this not to scare you but to make you aware that there are a lot of kinds of abuse and some can be very subtle.

Panda39

[livednlearned]

over the past several months, especially after her dad died recently of cancer, her episodes have become so extreme and frequent that I have had to separate from her

How awful for her, and for you bearing the brunt of her grief.

Prior to this, was she physically abusive?

She is in denial and I have come to realize there is nothing I can do to help her at this point

It sounds like you suggested to her she might have BPD? Or by denial, do you mean that she's in free fall, and she doesn't see it that way?

I am just trying now to protect myself as she has caused multiple physical confrontations and has issued a restraining order against me.

If it weren't for the restraining order, would you be trying to salvage the relationship?

What is she alleging happened and what are the terms of the RO?

I am filing for divorce, and we have two young children that live with her. I do not yet see her as a danger to the kids, but I am worried about how much worse she will get if she continues to refuse help. 

Have you consulted and/or retained a lawyer? What was she like prior to her dad passing? Any suicidal ideation or substance abuse or anything like that?

Pardon all the questions   It helps to know a bit about what you're going through so we can support you best.

Glad you found the site -- you're not alone.

LnL

[gtg962g]

Thanks everyone for the kind responses. I will try to clarify some of the questions. We have a 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. I did not admit guilt for anything, but the restraining order currently limits my visits with the kids to supervised visits at my mother's house every weekend. We have both hired a lawyer. She says she wants to reconcile and go to counseling now, but I don't believe it will help; we have tried in the past and she has quit and/or blamed me for all of our relationship problems. My lawyer is going to tell hers today that I want to move forward with the divorce, so I do not know how she will react to that news. One question I have is, what kind of child custody arrangements have you guys made when trying to co-parent and the ex has BPD but the kids primarily live with her?

[worriedStepmom]

Remember that no custody schedule has to be permanent - what works for your children now likely won't work for them when they get older.

My H divorced his uBPDw when their daughter was 2.  He technically only had 35/65... .but he structured it so that he had SD every Thur/Fri night, and every Saturday until 7 pm.  He got every other Saturday night/Sunday until 7 pm.  They did the exact same schedule in the summers. It meant mom never got more than 5 days in a row with SD, and never more than 36 continuous hours unless mom took time off work.  Mom *thought* she won by getting more overnights, but H actually spent more waking hours with SD.  It also meant H could enroll SD in extracurricular activities and ensure SD could go to them. 

SD is 11 now, and H just got primary custody a few months ago.  Her mom's behaviors were causing SD A LOT of stress.  H's proposed schedule (mom refused to show up in court or give input to the schedule, so we got it by default) makes sure that during the school year SD does not spend more than 3 days in a row with mom.  One week we have SD for the entire week, and the next week mom has SD on Mon/Tue nights after school, we have her Wed/Thur, then mom gets Fri/Sat/Sun.  Mom now works on Sundays, so even during her weekends SD has one day with her grandparents instead of mom.  During summers, mom gets her weekends and 3 non-consecutive 7-day periods. 

I fully expect that within the next 3 years mom's time will be cut further to protect SD.

Is your lawyer planning to ask for a mental health evaluation/custody evaluation?  If there are serious allegations of domestic violence against you, it might be in your favor to have some kind of proof that she's not mentally stable.

[ForeverDad]

It is almost universal, okay I'm speaking for USA, that supervised visitation is only done for two purposes... .

• There is documentation of risk to the children for substantive child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.
• The court is being cautious and is restricting the accused parent until the professionals report back whether that parent is perceived to be a risk or not.  Typically that can be accomplished in a few weeks or so.

So does either one fit your restraining order?  I'm thinking that if it is to last longer than a month or so that you agreed to the terms?  How long does this order last?

What I'm saying is that your lawyer ought to be asking the court to have bother parents evaluated and the results considered in court and the order adjusted.  Yes, courts often only assess the accused.  Evidently they presume the accuser is not accusing just to make the accused look bad.  Sadly, that's not the real world.  Your lawyer can at least try to get the order adjusted based on the new information (evaluation) from an experienced professional.

In my case, I filed for divorce and my ex filed a stalking/harassment case in civil court at the same time she answered the divorce case.  (It seems she didn't like me calling daily to speak to my son.  She didn't answer anyway and all I did was leave a VM for my son, never her.  Go figure.  The stalking was similar.  She complained that I was in the audience of our congregation while she was sitting on the other side.  It was the Passover/Easter week.  Yeah, she was so religious.  Not.)  My lawyer successfully argued that since there was a divorce case pending which has parenting issues addressed in its court orders, then our preschooler should be released from her claim against me so domestic relations court could hande the matter.  That's part of what we agreed to in a settlement.