Heading towards a breakup

[Herotozero]

This is my first post so please bear with me.
My husband of 20 years clearly has bod and I feel that it’s now affecting the children. What am I supposed to do when he gets into a rage? What am I supposed to do the next day when he tells me I’m too sensitive, everybody gets angry. His raging over the last few years have really scared the kids and I and he just can’t see that it’s anything other than a little anger. He hasn’t spoken to me in over three weeks, since our last argument, which is really difficult as we live in a foreign country and I have no friends here. I’m just ready to consult a lawyer, I’m so emotional exhausted with the ups and downs of this relationship I really can’t take anymore. I’m also not sleeping well and have anxiety at the moment. When he’s not raging or being generally abusive, he’s actually a nice guy. It’s like living with a pressure cooker, everything is great for months then bam! I’m the biggest whore in the world because I lost his favorite shirt. I think deep down he must know he has a problem. He has had a few psychotic episodes that landed him in a psychiatric unit for a few days. Although, he blamed these episodes on taking anti smoking medication and nothing else. He did see a counselor for this for a few months and his self awareness improved massively. He seemed calmer and thought about what he said before he said it.
Any advice, I can’t keep going around in circles.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling, but am glad you have found us.  We have several members here who are foreigners; hopefully one or two will join this thread.  Can you tell us a little more about your situation?  How old are your kids?  How long have you lived in the country you are in.  Is it foreign to both you and your husband, or is it his home country?

You mentioned not having any friends.  Isolation is common among our members, and makes things tremendously difficult.  Do you have the support of a therapist?  Do you have family who understand what is going on?

Take a look at Tips and Tools on the top bar of this page.  There is a lot to learn her about coping tools.  You are not alone, we will walk with you.  You've found a supportive community here.

RC

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Heretozero and joining Radcliff in welcoming you. I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've suffered. Most of us here have been through the same or similar experiences.

I think Radcliff asked the most important questions, but I would really like to hear more about your living situation since I too deal with a spouse with BPD traits while living in her country.

I also suggest you read and post on other threads to gain context on your own situation. There are in fact quite a few members who live outside their home country here.

Do you speak the language of the country you are in fluently? What is the mental health care situation like?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Herotozero]

Thank you so much for your help quick response. It really helped me this morning when I realized I am not alone. My situation at the moment is that my husband is affiliated with the military so we have lived in this country for years 20 years and moved around in the same country a few times.
Our boys are 12 and 11, the oldest one is going through puberty so the tensions in the home are higher than usual.
As far as support goes, I speak the local language so a therapist wouldn’t be a problem, neither would paying for one. I just feel slightly ashamed for letting this go on for so long and feel like I may be judged. I do have a great family in my home country but couldn’t ask for support at the moment as my father has terminal cancer and I feel like I would be an extra burden as they are struggling to deal with their own situation.
Thanks again for replying , I cried a lot when I read your responses, it made me realize this is a real problem and I’m not going insane

[RolandOfEld]

I just feel slightly ashamed for letting this go on for so long and feel like I may be judged.

Herotozero I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself how messed up did I have to be to fall in love with someone like this, let alone marry and have two kids with them? But then I remember two things: 1) this illness did not show itself all at once, but in different places gradually over the years and 2) they are not like this all the time, which can lead us to easily forget if we don't understand their disorder.

So I hope you will give therapy a try since it's a truly essential part of the healing process, which almost everyone here including me will attest to.

Regarding your family, I am very sorry to hear about your father's illness. But do you think its possible that telling them what's going on might give them some relief rather than burden? Before I told my family what was happening, they had already sensed something was wrong and were deeply worried. Knowing the situation and finding ways to help me have given them some comfort and made us closer.   

I'll also mention that I brought this to everyone including my grandfather not long after my grandmother died (in some way connected to my wife's behaviors, story for another day). I had originally wanted to avoid telling my grandfather in fear of giving him further grief, but my relatives all said it would make him feel better to understand.

Of course you know your family dynamic so this part is up to you. But I think getting those close to you on your side is extremely important to moving forward.

What do you think about the above? Doable? If not, what are the roadblocks?

~ROE

[desperate.wife]

Hi Herotozero 

You are in a difficult situation. I am sorry to hear about your father. Living in foreign country and having to deal with BPD. It is more complicated when kids are involved. How your kids are being affected? Is he talking to kids? You mentioned he was in therapy, he is not anymore? Can you talk about his behaviour when he is feeling good?

Dealing with rage is tough. My husband is able to control his anger as I am not ok with it, but I have seen some of such behaviour when he is not well and it is scary. You must protect your kids from that. What about boundaries? If you make one that when he is raging you take kids and you'll talk when everyone is calm? There are members here that are very good in explaining how to deal with that. Here is some resources that helped me understand the anger: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309757.0

You said he is not talking to you for 3 weeks? He is still at home? Sleeping in the same bed? How do you explain to your kids that dad is not talking?

I understand your exhaustion. I live in a foreign country myself and we have a 3 years old girl. And we also moved more than once so making friends is not evident. I cried too when people answered me. It is only one place I can tell everything. People answering me makes me cry too. It helps to see things differently and not to feel alone.

Therapist is very good idea. Don't be ashamed. RolandOfEld explained it well. Therapist will not judge you. Me too I feel ashamed sometimes for being in this situation I am now. But we need to look forward, not backwards. What I can do now to make it better. First, you need help yourself to get better. For you, for your kids and your husband.

I used to have anxiety that prevented me from sleeping. Long long years ago, so I started inventing stories in my head. Anything from action stories to decorating imaginary home. Lately I stick mostly with imaginary home. Helps my mind stay away from my troubles. I just tell myself that worrying before sleeping helps no one, it changes nothing. I also started guided meditation before sleeping. Very powerful too. You get to concentrate on your body and let away all your worries, so it is easy to fall asleep. You are tired, you need sleep. Do you have anything that you enjoy? Running? Reading book, taking bath? Maybe camomile tea in hot bath before sleep?When was last time you were on holidays? Do you have some free time for yourself?

Here are some more resources that helped me a lot when I was really down: https://bpdfamily.com/content/line-cognitive-therapy-program




 
DW

[desperate.wife]

Hey Herotozero,

How are you feeling today?

DW