Halloween

[JNChell]

I have my little guy this weekend. This is a window to post before now and his bedtime. When I picked him up from daycare, one of the workers asked me what we’re doing this weekend. I told her that we are going shopping for new winter clothes for S3 and grocery shopping. As I was exiting with my Son, she said “we’re going to haunted houses”. I started to feel bad on the drive home. I feel like a poor planner. Like I was somehow dropping the ball.

Last month, my ex took one of my weekends so that S3 could attend her mom’s 3’rd wedding. My birthday is at the end of next week. I asked her if I could have him next weekend to make up my lost time and to be able to have a father/son birthday weekend. She refused and said that I should choose another time to celebrate my Bday weekend with him. Her reasoning is that next weekend is the only chance that she has to do Halloween things with him.

S3 has reported that he spends the night at her ex-husband’s place. She has a daughter with him. I “rescued” her from him in the beginning. He was abusive. Yada, yada. He was painted black. This aspect is still so hard to decipher.

Why is my Son spending the night with her ex-husband that she demonized to land me? I’ve been trying to implement wisemind, but I’m sitting with the fact that it isn’t going to work right now. Court is starting to seem inevitable, but I need space and time to be able to pursue it.

A court order is going to happen. It eventually has to. I’m scared to take this step because I’m afraid of losing time with him.

He’s reported tonight while in the bath that his mom and current beau fight in front of him. I’m not ok when I hear these things. I’m mad. I want to send a message and write a letter right now. I want to engage her with unrelenting logic. I’m so tired of this. I signed up for this? Yep. Should I journal the words of a toddler? I believe him. Kids don’t just make this stuff up.

[Turkish]

I think that we might share the same birthday 

It sucks that she isn't accommodating but it is what it is.  Maybe I've said this before, but nail down a legal custody stipulation. 

Regarding what your son says.  I'd focus on validating him without interrogating him.  My kids told me things that went on in the other home which made me sad.  They love their mom but they were also glad to be in the safe house, mine. 

[JNChell]

Thanks for picking this up, Turkish. Mine’s on the 25th.

I guess that it’s becoming pretty evident that it needs to go to court. I’ve read several accounts here as well as from other resources that it’s likely to get worse before it gets better. I’m speaking about the dynamics between his mom and I, and the possible outcome of pursuing a court order. I’ve seen a pattern that things can be overwhelming for the dad at the onset of a custody situation, but can eventually start to turn. The part that scares the hell out of me is initially losing the time with him that I already have, and starting from scratch. As a parent, I wish to see my boy everyday. Unfortunately, that is no longer an option. I’m sorry for venting when this should be much more to the point. I’m afraid to take the leap into FC.

[ForeverDad]

In most cases it seems the courts don't include parents' birthdays as actionable events.  Dosn't mean you and she can agree that both parents' birthdays should be added to the holiday list.  The kids' birthdays should already be on it.

Without an order in place, generally the most stubborn, blaming and entitled parent usually wins.  Not right, but it is what it is.  As much as we fear how an order might limit us, it also sets basic boundaries in place and in most cases the court is "less unfair" than what the ex wants and demands.  Our task is to do our best to get important boundaries clearly laid out in the temp order, as little wiggle room as possible.

As for adding to your journal what son says, go right ahead.  I recall my lawyer telling me that even if I referred to my weekly calendars, with extensive notes, in testimony to refresh my memory, it was still considered private.  (By looking at my records I was ale to describe specifics rather than "she always... ."  Having details of incidents ensured I wasn't spouting weak hearsay.)  Sure enough, ex's lawyer never asked to see them or get copies of them.  Set your mind at ease and ask your lawyer how things are done in your state.