setting boundaries - 21 yr DD is on one of her angry spells

[rajani]

My 21 year old daughter is on one of her angry spells. Her behavior towards me was verbally abusive and we now have not had any positive communication in 2 weeks.  I am trying to change my patterns and disengage.  I'm finding this very difficult not to reach out to her and tell her how much I love her and miss her.  I'm not confident that my silence and letting her be is the right action.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcoming you, Rajani

I am sorry to read that your daughter has been verbally abusive to you.  That is unacceptable behaviour, to say nothing about how hurtful it is to a loving parent.

What is the history regarding your daughter?  Has there ever been counselling for her... .for the family?  Has she ever had a diagnosis of mental problems?  Does this kind of behaviour happen often?

My daughter, too, gets "angry spells" and then she can become verbally abusive to me, her Mom.  It went on for too many years between us before I realized I had to be the one to change... .mainly for my safety.

Way back when my daughter started acting up, there was not the information available to me, information that is available for parents today.  Looking back I can see where, had I handled situations differently, maybe... .just maybe... .our situation would be different today... .but I do know I did the best I could and when I knew better, I did better.  I'm sure that is the case with you, too.

I strongly urge you to look over this website.  See to the right .  There is so much to get you started and then links to more.

At this point a period of silence might be the best thing.  It gives time for both sides to calm down.  Meanwhile, if you do some research here you might find some tips on how to approach/instigate reconciliation with your daughter.

Hope to hear more from you, Rajani.  Everyone's story/journey is interesting for the rest to hear.  Sure helps to know, too, that you are not alone in your struggles.  Also good to know that positive change can happen.

Huat

[Feeling Better]

Hello rajani

I would like to join Huat in welcoming you here.

I am sorry to hear that your daughter has been having an angry spell and that she has been verbally abusive towards you. You say that you haven’t had any positive communication in two weeks, has this ever happened before?

I understand how difficult it can be to not reach out when that is all that you really want to do.

I'm not confident that my silence and letting her be is the right action.

What is the reason for your silence? Has she asked you to let her be?
Sometimes just letting our adult pwBPD (person with BPD) “be” is the best option, it allows them the space and time they need  to process their thoughts, I know it can be really hard to accept, especially if it goes against what you would normally do x