He's been living with my replacement for 2 months now, will he ever come back?

[Sad Guy]

I dated a man with BPD for ~1.5 years and he broke it off with me 3 and half months ago. Things turned sour when we moved in together a couple of months before the breakup, but they had always been rocky. I started standing up for myself when he started picking fights. I'd leave the apartment when he started yelling and be dragged back inside by my ex who would calm down only after that. After 1 month my ex wanted to dissolve the lease and acted like I trapped him when I got upset because I had nowhere to go if he bailed. One night a month or so after that a fight turned into a breakup.

He got together with someone new a couple of weeks before we'd moved out - maybe two weeks after the breakup. We were still sleeping together and he promised he wasn't going to get someone new while we were living together. His new bf was then overseas for a month, but they moved in together shortly after he got back. I don't know the living situation, but this guy has money and my ex isn't paying rent. My ex had been constantly stressing about money since we moved in together, even though we weren't struggling - I had just thrown in my job and was looking for a new one close by, but I'd been paying my share of everything and then doing most of the housework on top.

I'm really worried they'll make it work. I want my ex back and have been reading up on BPD to understand what's going on with him. But I'm scared that since I pushed him into therapy just before we moved in together (which I believe he used to convince himself he should move out and dump me) that he might be getting enough help with his BPD in this relationship for it not to crumble. He's only had <6 month relationships, except for with the guy before me, but they'd broken up 3 times over the almost 2 years they were together. He'd broken up with me twice the first 3 months we were together, then dated someone else for a month, and then took me back after I chased him and we were together for over a year that time, with several instances of him wanting to end things for easily resolvable issues.

It's been 3 months since they got together now... .2 that they've been living together... .The only problem I've heard they're having is that my ex is a little bitter that his new bf makes more money than him. I'd only been friendly after the move out (though I had been obviously upset and mildly hostile before that for obvious reasons)... .but I haven't spoken to my ex in the last couple of weeks because he said his new partner "seemed" uncomfortable with us interacting.

Is there any hope my ex will come back? What should I be doing to make that happen? I've got a good job now, I'm much more in shape... .but I'm so upset every single day that my ex isn't in my life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

We're sorry for the pain you're feeling, but are glad you're here.  Breakups and breakup threats are very common for our members to experience, as you may know.  It's also not uncommon for members to come here after a breakup, when their ex has already started with someone else.  It's painful, but you have company here, and support from people who have been there.

The best advice for this situation is simple, but very difficult to follow.  I'm just going to lay it out there, with the understanding that you won't be able to snap your fingers and make it happen tomorrow.  Think as little as possible about his relationship with the new guy.  Focus on yourself.  Throw yourself into activities like your new job, exercise, old friends, things that will make you feel better and also make you an attractive partner.  When you do this, you win either way.  Your partner may come back after their new relationship hits bumps, or if they don't, you'll be healthier and in a better position for a new relationship (or simply a break from relationships if that's your preference).

What does your support system look like?  Do you have friends or family you can spend time with?  Do you have a therapist or support groups?  Activity or hobby groups?

RC

[FaithfulInLove]

Dear Sad Guy,

I agree with Radcliff.

My own break up is a year ago and since then I'm on a rollercoaster with my ex with him trying out new partners which is the most painful thing that ever happened to me.

It is important that you don't lose yourself in this process and that you take good care of yourself and stay attractive/the best option for him.

Chances are good that things don't work out with his new partner - like Radcliff said, think about it as little as possible - this is something that, although it hurts so so much to realise this, lays out of your control.

Focus on yourself but if he reaches out/wants to talk, be there, have empathy, learn the BPD tools and use them. Validation is important and making him feel heard and being able to give him space/not overwhelm him and give him the time to pull away, be alone and think. Let him come to you, you can't pull him back in. That's what I had to learn the hard way.

If it helps you, you can stroll through my posts. They shows that what the ex sais now doesn't mean they won't change their mind again a few days/weeks/months later. We are still not back together but being back in touch and having the chance to fix things is a big step ahead in my opinion.

You, take your time to heal, because only if you are strong you will be able to have a relationship like this which can work and doesn't destroy you. I am trying to get there myself.

All the best

FaithfulInLove

[boogs152]

Thankyou for sharing Faithfulinlove. That’s was helpful to read. Helped me!