Feeling stuck on a rollercoaster with my mother

[Lostforwords]

Hi, this is my first post here. I have been reading through other user’s posts and my situation is not unique.

My mother is not officially diagnosed w/ BPD. She has been diagnosed with with bipolar disorder, depression, and she has a traumatic family history of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse.

I feel such guilt even writing in this forum. It has been my job to protect my mother. She is such a difficult person to discribe because I feel like our relationship has had many faces. My mother when she is good she is amazing. She is the life of the party, she is Wonder Woman. I looked at her like she was the strongest woman alive. She was capable of doing anything because she never needed anyone anything. She is a proud woman. If you do her wrong then she will cut you out of her life.i have seen her do this to family members and friends. She will convince herself that they deserve it. As I get older I have seen that this it typically cruel punishment to people she once loved. I have since I was a child been worried what she could cut me out just like these people. Because of this I was watched every move I made.

More recently since I have entered into a serious relationship She loves me and wants to be the only person in my life. She is jealous of my partner, his family, and any friendship I have. My obligations to her are the only priority she feels I should have. Mind you I am in my late 20’s. I work two jobs and I have my own home to care for. She feels it is my job to entertain her, to take care of her home and to spend my free days with her. Once she does have my attention she does not engage with me. She doesn’t care about who I am what I am interested in or what is going on with my life. If it does not benefit her she has zero interest.

Four years ago when I lived in her home as an adult. She still felt my job was to care for her, but she hated my presence. She threatened to kick me out daily.

If am not meeting her expectations then she will behave as if I have betrayed her. She will attack my lifestyle, blame my SO and tells me she does not want to speak to me and she wants space. Typically I ask for forgiveness and tell her I’ll be better. If I respect her wishes and give her space a week later I get an angry call about how she has not heard from me in weeks. She told me that if my relationship does not work out then I shouldn’t bother coming to her because she will not be there for me.

My mother has always played games with my sibling and I. Putting us against each other. She resents our relationship and will tell is she doesn’t like to spend time with both of us at the same time. She pits us against each other on holidays and birthdays. Some how she finds a way to ruin any special event. She will make you feel like you were selfish for wanting a nice birthday, or a calm Christmas. She will fight with one of us, and attack the other if any sympathy is shown.

My mother can be ruthless and manipulating. She knows your exact insecurity and she knows how to hit you where it hurts.  But she makes it so hard to be angry at her or to hold her accountable for her behaviors. She is a person who struggles daily with her past.

The things my mother went through are so terrible I always felt that it was a miracle she was not worse. My mother never hit me or outwordly behaved this why when I was a child. It was only fits of anger and smothering love that if it went unreciprocated turned into guilt. I have always been scared of my mother. About what manipulative thing she could do to me and what horrible thing she can do to herself.

My mother has a history of suicide attempts. She has practically been trying since she was a little girl. She has threatened, and she has attempted numerous times in the last few years.

More recently following a fight terrible fight threat was made. My sibling and I were so terrified we called a mental health crisis unit. This is the second time recently that she threatened this. The previous time she “took a large amount of pills”, but was fine. I am sure many times these were just threats but there have been hospitalizations, and scars. I don’t think we know when to take it seriously. Long story short she was hospitalized and she is so angry with us. She has her friends attack us and tell us what terrible people we were. She has zero ability to see that we are unable to navigate her illness.

Now she is looking to speak and I am so exhausted. I am tired of being a person stuck on her roller coaster. I don’t know what move to make or what to do. I love my mother, and I want to best for her, but I feel like I need to put myself first. I deserve a happy life without constant drama. At this point Inhave just been completely avoidant.

I am sorry for the above word vomit. I feel like i just had to get it out.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Lostforwords, 

Welcome to our online family! So glad that you found us.   As you mentioned, your situation is not unique, yet it is important to know that you are unique, and we are glad to listen and hear your specifics-no problem with verbal vomit here! It is tough, tougher than most people realize. Those of us here with a pwBPD in our lives truly understand the roller coaster you speak of. I was on it with my uBPDm for so long, and she has been gone for a few years now. While there is a certain relief for me, I still struggle with the same things you probably do as well: the FOG, the struggle to seek acceptance and love from others since I didn't get it from my uBPDm, an aversion to conflict and anger, fear, and on the list can go. Can you relate?

Now she is looking to speak and I am so exhausted. I am tired of being a person stuck on her roller coaster. I don’t know what move to make or what to do. I love my mother, and I want to best for her, but I feel like I need to put myself first. I deserve a happy life without constant drama. At this point Inhave just been completely avoidant.

It really is a roller coaster, this back and forth interaction and attempt at conversation and reconciliation that goes no where. Unfortunately we cannot change our pwBPD, no matter how much we wish to or how hard we try. I'm sure you already know this. So what can be done? I think as we step into understanding the dynamics, it begins to shed light and help us as we work to change things. The art of Empathetic Listening and Active Listening can be a helpful skill with your uBPDm and many others. What do you think?

Wools

[Turkish]

She doesn’t care about who I am what I am interested in or what is going on with my life. If it does not benefit her she has zero interest.

I think that you hit the nail here. 

Do you feel unvalued as a person, an individual,  unless you are meeting her needs?

[cruiser23]

Lostforwords,

I'm pretty sure your story is my story... .except my mom doesn't threaten to kill herself, she threatens to kill others, and she also isolated me from almost all of my family through the years, insisting they hated me or I wasn't valuable enough for any of them... .that she's the only one I'm worth anything to... .who says that to their kids?

and the whole part about her ignoring you once you're with her... spot on my mom... .she doesn't want to know me/hang out with me, she just doesn't want anyone else to!

I understand the communication thing too... .if I dont' speak to her, like actually talk on the phone not just text, daily, it's "Hi stranger, I haven't talked to you in forever!" and now that I'm NC for over a week or so, she's losing her mind, calling my dad (they're divorced x 20 years), texting me random bs to get me to bite, etc... .I refuse to acknowledge her games right now...

Anyway, hang in there... .read "stop walking on eggshells" and read on this website. there is so much info here... .