My mother never loved me

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mother is BPD, 78 years old and now has Parkinson’s and I have to care for her.  My father died when I was 10.  She never loved me and mad me feel invisible and still tries but I am stronger now.   I have never found a man to love me and mostly dated narcissists; now I get it:  you cannot attract love if you’ve never had it!  I resent her so much for ruining my life.  I’m 48 and no husband or children because she raised me with no love only control.  Now I’m stuck with her and she is awful. She has lost most of her power but she still tries to control me.  She has no quality of life but pushes on to keep living just to continue to try to control me and her goal is for me never to have a husband. 
She has never wanted me to be happy.  All I ever wanted was to get married and have kids but she ruined that for me just like she ruins everything.  I feel no love for her only resentment.   It’s so unfair what she has done to me. 

[Lilly305]

My mother is BPD, 78 years old and now has Parkinson’s and I have to care for her.  My father died when I was 10.  She never loved me and mad me feel invisible and still tries but I am stronger now.   I have never found a man to love me and mostly dated narcissists; now I get it:  you cannot attract love if you’ve never had it!  I resent her so much for ruining my life.  I’m 48 and no husband or children because she raised me with no love only control.  Now I’m stuck with her and she is awful. She has lost most of her power but she still tries to control me.  She has no quality of life but pushes on to keep living just to continue to try to control me and her goal is for me never to have a husband. 
She has never wanted me to be happy.  All I ever wanted was to get married and have kids but she ruined that for me just like she ruins everything.  I feel no love for her only resentment.   It’s so unfair what she has done to me. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Lilly305, 

I want you to know that you are so very welcome here to our family. I know things are super hard for you and have been. So to me it is important to let you know that you are already cared for here. 

I can only imagine how hard it is to care for someone whom you are feeling strong negative emotions for.  Can you tell me something about how you get through your days? Do you have any free time? Do you live with your mom?

Wools

[cedarview]

Hi Lilly305,

You sound like you have a lot to deal with right now and you are experiencing some very powerful emotions. It's clear that you and you mother have had a long history together and this is probably not the way you thought things would end up. As the only child of a uBPD mother I can relate to your feelings of betrayal and anger towards your mother. I recently have been coming to terms with the feelings I have of actually wishing death on my mother because of the misery she has manufactured and pushed on my family. I don't think it is wrong to have those types of feelings but it is important to identify them and own them and try to see things clearly. Unlike yourself I do not have to see my mother at all and she is not speaking to me so there is no interaction, so that must be very hard for you.

I want you to know that you are worthy of love and respect if you are 48, 58, 68 or any number after that. Your life isn't controlled by your mother and her illness. Please keep posting there are a lot of people on here who can relate and who have good suggestions. Don't neglect to take time for yourself. I use exercise as a stress relief. Get enough sleep.

cedarview

[Maya L]

It sounds like a real struggle.

What she has done to you is not nice and you don’t deserve that treatment. It is never to late to break up emotionally and live your life for yourself, even if you can only do it in small things if you need to continue to care for her.

If you haven’t already, check out whatever help the state can give in the care for her Parkinson’s and age. Don’t feel ashamed to use it, whatever she says.

I found that therapy was very helpful to me. Together we found lables and words for the way my parents treated me. It really helps me see what is not my fault but theirs or their BPD or other problems.

[Harri]

Hello Maya and welcome to the board.  I agree with what you wrote to Lilly.  It is true that it is never too late to cut the emotional ties and that distance can be as big or as small as we choose.

When you can, start a thread and tell us more about you.

 

[JNChell]

Hi there, Lilly305.  Welcome to bpdfamily. You’re very torn and that is ok. pwBPD are very good at making us feel this way. Especially our parents. You’ve found a good place here with us.

I understand how hard it is to drag this stuff along throughout our lives. It shows up in every aspect, doesn’t it? I can relate to you on ending up with abusive and disordered partners. I share a child with one. He’ll be 4 in December. I’m glad that you’re able to realize that you’ve ended up with these personality types because of your upbringing. That’s a very wise realization.

Now I’m stuck with her and she is awful. She has lost most of her power but she still tries to control me.

I have to agree with the rhetoric here and say that it is never too late to make adjustments in the relationship with your mother that might benefit your own well being. We can help you with that. If you were able to sever ties with your mother, would you want to?

I feel no love for her only resentment.   It’s so unfair what she has done to me.

You’re right. It isn’t fair with how her condition has affected your life. I can relate to you on that. If you’re comfortable in doing so, can you describe the relationship more? Doing this will help us to better understand what you’ve been through over the years. I’m confident that you will see many similarities between your own situation and the other members here.

I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this, but rest assured that you’ve found a safe place here.

[Maya L]

Thank you Harri!

I’m glad I found this forum. Finally some people who actually can understand! 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Lilly305,

How are you doing today? We are thinking about you. 

And I'd also like to join Harri in welcoming you, MayaL!  Looking forward to hearing more of your story when you are free to share it with us. We really do understand!

Wools

[lulubell2017]

Hi Lilly,

It's hard to care for the person who hurt you  the most. I did, I took care of my mother and made her the center of m life for the last 5 months she lived, after knowing about her diagnostic. She only spent 3 weeks in the hospital, but those 3 weeks really traumatized me. When she finally died, I was so exhausted that I couldn't even cry or feel anything, I was in a state of emotional freeze.

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better for me to leave her be and just take care of myself instead. Sure, she needed my help, but I also needed my help. After she passed I was left with an anxiety disorder, and many a times I thought it could be because I left myself last priority, and cared for my abuser instead. I am not suggesting any course of action for you, just sharing my own experience.

Clearly you have a lot of resentment, and rightfully so. Use your anger as energy to help you build a life that you want to have. You may not be able to have everything you wanted, but your life is still far from over and you deserve to be happy for a change. Please, don't abandon yourself. That's the worse they do ... .They not only abandon us, but they make us abandon ourselves and make us think we deserve to be abandoned by everyone. Don't let it win