Tips and Tricks

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've just discovered that my boyfriend has BPD. It's been about a year that we first met, and four months that we've been dating. He has some deep rooted issues from his childhood of abandonment, isolation, and neglect. What can I do in the meantime until getting him some help? I was raised the complete opposite, and had so much love, that it's hard for me to understand. He has made appointments before, then cancelled them and made excuses not to go. I can't betray his trust, so how do I convince him to get in? Do I call the behavioral health office he wants to go to, and explain everything to them before he even goes? He hides who he really is to everyone, and probably would try to pull it off as being fine if he went. It's hard for him to show weakness, and he'd feel like that's what he's doing when showing his true self. Any suggestions?

[fayestump]

I've just discovered that my boyfriend has BPD. It's been about a year that we first met, and four months that we've been dating. He has some deep rooted issues from his childhood of abandonment, isolation, and neglect. What can I do in the meantime until getting him some help? I was raised the complete opposite, and had so much love, that it's hard for me to understand. He has made appointments before, then cancelled them and made excuses not to go. I can't betray his trust, so how do I convince him to get in? Do I call the behavioral health office he wants to go to, and explain everything to them before he even goes? He hides who he really is to everyone, and probably would try to pull it off as being fine if he went. It's hard for him to show weakness, and he'd feel like that's what he's doing when showing his true self. Any suggestions?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi fayestump, and

Any suggestions?

yes. for starters, im glad you reached out, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home here as part of the family. a strong support system for you, is critical.

it will help to tell us more about the primary sources of conflict between the two of you and how they play out. that will give us a bigger picture to work with, and ways to help you better understand, as well as support your boyfriend.

regarding getting him into treatment, there is no silver bullet in terms of getting someone into therapy or getting them help. there are a variety of incentives, ranging from positive reinforcement and support, all the way to ultimatums (last resort). a bigger picture of your relationship will help us in terms of which path, and in which ways, you might want to go down here.

also, what led you to discovering BPD?

[Radcliff]

I completely understand your focus on getting him help so that he can recover from his past neglect and better be able to live a healthy, happy life.  You've seen from his behavior that unfortunately, this is not simple.  Sadly, the more you wish for him to go into treatment, the less likely he may be to do it.  Don't give up on the idea of treatment, but also don't look at it as the first step -- it's a long term goal.  I agree with once removed that the first place to focus is on your relationship with him, directly addressing some of the issues in your lives.  Can you tell us a little about where you've experienced the most difficulty?

RC