The guilt is a little suffocating today

[mama-wolf]

I saw uBPDxw briefly last week when I picked up the kids from her house.  She had cut her hair unusually short (for her), had dyed it a dark auburn color (never done that before), and she looked thin and out of sorts.

Then on Sunday morning she sent a message through the parent portal that she had been in a wreck the night before.  Apparently, her car was t-boned while she was on her way to see a friend, the airbags deployed, and she sustained some minor injuries.  She said she was contacting me because she did not yet have a rental car, so she wanted to let me know in case she had difficulty picking up the kids the next day.  I told her I was sorry she was in the wreck (feeling more guilt even though I know it's misplaced), and asked her to keep me posted on her status, saying I could keep the kids Monday night if needed.  She confirmed soon afterward that she had lined up a rental car.

Today, I saw her at S5's class Thanksgiving celebration.  It seems she currently has a cold, so she sounded terrible, and she looked even more thin and haggard than last week.  Maybe understandable given the wreck and her cold, but it is getting very unsettling to see her deteriorating like this.

THEN, she sent a message through the parenting portal (just before 5pm) to see if I could pick up the kids for her this evening  after all.  She said she's tied up at the car dealership, and was hoping to get to urgent care before picking them up but it would be cutting it too close to get to the kids before 6pm.  She asked if I could pick up the kids for her to go to the doctor.  I really struggled to tell her no.  I had already typed out a message agreeing to pick them up before I stopped myself.  I almost couldn't make myself delete it, but eventually sent her a message saying I made other plans for the evening once she confirmed she had the rental car.  And now I'm stewing in more guilt.

mw

[Lucky Jim]

she looked even more thin and haggard than last week.  Maybe understandable given the wreck and her cold, but it is getting very unsettling to see her deteriorating like this.

Hey mama, Maybe I'm missing something.  Why do you feel guilty because she looks unwell and was involved in a car accident?  I am uncertain why you are taking responsibility for things beyond your control.  If you continue to feel suffocated, suggest you take a look at the Serenity Prayer.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi mama-wolf,

To touch on Lucky Jims point she survived before you she’ll survive after you a pwBPD are resilient.

I can understand how guilt would eat at you but you’re two seperate family’s now she’s responsible to find sitters etc on her time and vice versa. If you hadn’t seen her in a sub optimal state where would you be on a scale of 1 to 10 with guilty feelings? Do you think that you may be overthinking causing it mushroom and make it worse than it actually is?

[mama-wolf]

Hey mama, Maybe I'm missing something.  Why do you feel guilty because she looks unwell and was involved in a car accident?  I am uncertain why you are taking responsibility for things beyond your control. 

LJ, I get that those things are out of my control.  It's not that I feel guilty for them specifically.

I feel guilty for the impact my decision to separate has clearly had on her.  She seems to be really struggling and I am fairly certain she is in another depression.
I feel guilty for not being there for her, helping take care of her while she's sick like I have for 15 years.  I am fortunate enough to have a mom who would help take care of me even if she didn't already live with me, but I doubt her parents are doing much in that regard.
I feel guilty that we are not together anymore, leading her to be where she was when she was in the accident.  I understand she could have just as easily been in an accident near our (now my) house or even when I was with her, but that's not what actually happened.
I feel guilty that I couldn't come pick her up at the scene of the accident and be there to comfort her after the wreck.  She didn't call me for obvious reasons, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it.
I feel guilty for choosing my "other plans"  last night rather than supporting her to get medicine for her cold.  There was nothing keeping me from picking up the kids other than my own internal battle to stop rescuing her, but if she were just about anyone else I would have helped in a heartbeat.

If you hadn’t seen her in a sub optimal state where would you be on a scale of 1 to 10 with guilty feelings? Do you think that you may be overthinking causing it mushroom and make it worse than it actually is?

I have actually been struggling with significant guilt since the day I realized I needed to separate.  The latest encounters really just kicked it up a notch to a more intolerable level.

I get that the guilt is not necessarily something I should be carrying, but I haven't quite found a way to get out from under it, and it's just especially strong at the moment.

mw

[Mustbeabetterway]

me, I get what you are feeling.  We aren’t perfect, though and the time for rescuing our significant others has passed.  Sometimes it helps me to let that guilt motivate me to be helpful to others in a healthy, authentic way.

Wishing you a wonderful week,

Mustbe

[once removed]

there is a long and deep history between the two of you mw. im not sure that that love, and those feelings of obligation to someone you have that bond with ever just go away.

so i can imagine how the news of the wreck, and the struggles with her health would affect you. they would me, too.

There was nothing keeping me from picking up the kids other than my own internal battle to stop rescuing her,

was that why you passed on it?

[mama-wolf]

Thank you once removed and Mustbe for the encouraging words... .

And yes--I resisted agreeing to pick up the kids for her because I realized I would just be rescuing again.  My knee-jerk reaction was to make it possible for her to get to the doctor, but she had all afternoon to do that.  Or that morning, or even the day before.  She was asking me (for the millionth time) to help make up for her poor time management.

I actually think she was testing the waters over the weekend to see what I would give, too.  When she told me she might not have a car for Monday, I am pretty sure she wanted to see if I would offer to bring the kids to her.  When I instead offered to keep them Monday night, she pretty quickly replied that she got a rental car lined up "with her own money," apparently feeling the need to explain that she did that because of some potential delays with getting the police report for the the insurance company to provide one.

So, I recognize (or think I do) some of the behavior and attempts at manipulation.  But I also still feel guilty about making what I think is the right/healthy decision.

mw

[once removed]

She was asking me (for the millionth time) to help make up for her poor time management.

okay. thanks for the clarification.

But I also still feel guilty about making what I think is the right/healthy decision.

theres a member here who often says good mental health is hard work, and often involves making the tough decisions.

i dont like saying no to anyone, let alone someone asking me to help. sometimes i may know its a greater kindness to both of us, but it still sucks. spotting, naming, probing, challenging these old pulls does help in terms of reaching decisions from a place of Wisemind. the pulls may always be with us at some level... .its kind of like when you learn a new language, no matter how fluent you are, the default is that we translate from our native language. but the pulls do lose some power over time and with practice. its when they no longer rule us that we reach, or are reaching for Freedom.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mama-wolf, OK, now I get it.  It sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders.

Sometimes doing the right thing also means doing the hard thing, so I admire your courage to make a change in a healthier direction for you.

I like what Mustbe said:

We aren’t perfect, though and the time for rescuing our significant others has passed.  Sometimes it helps me to let that guilt motivate me to be helpful to others in a healthy, authentic way.

Yes to helping others in healthy, authentic ways.

LJ