What to do when you go underwaters and isolate

[Yellowpearl]

Ever since pwBPD has our last blowout and haven’t spoken since over a month, I’ve been hiding myself from the world. Actually since the summer when he first created the distance is when I kept waiting to hear back from him and had so much anxiety I couldn’t talk to people in my life.

As some of you know, I was going to send an apology to him for my end of things as I feel like I overpursed and said harsh things when he had our blow out. But I don’t know if I’m ready because I don’t really have a support system anymore. I think scared of going back and interacting with him and not knowing what to expect and going through it alone.

The other night I was having a bad, intense panic attack I couldn’t sleep and I kept pacing around my apartment cause of realizing how alone in the recent months as I’ve been while realizing things that were happening in the relaitonship. It’s been really unsettling to stomach and I’ve been feeling too disoriented and embarrassed to talk to my friends particularly two people.  I’m scared of losing them because I avoided them from basically being in a depressed state since the incident.I think I see them as normal people in healthy relationships and maybe I’m scared their normalcy will trigger me. Now a few months passed by that I’ve been getting by avoiding their calls and just saying briefly I’m having a hard time just to create space. I’m worried about  how can I get back and touch and explain myself and where I’ve been. The more I put it off,  the more anxiety I get about talking to anyone. I don’t feel I trust or feel close enough to talk anyone about the relationship. Yet shutting people out makes me feel isolated and extremely panicked and closed in. I’m so nervous about calling anyone back and I don’t  want to lie I feel incredibly guilty that I can’t tell them. It’s debilitating not being able to talk to anyone and being so caught up thinking about his unstable behaviors that led me here.

Yet I don’t want to be alone or feel isolated especially if I’m having thoughts about reconnecting with pwBPD. I don’t know what to do. The anxiety is only getting worse.

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[once removed]

feeling isolated i think, can be a huge primer to want to reach out. you have other reasons obviously, and good ones, but i think its important to keep in mind.

anxiety and depression can be really debilitating. untreated, they can get worse. id tell you to reach out to your friends, but i understand whats keeping you.

what about a therapist, or a visit to your doctor for a meds evaluation?

[RolandOfEld]

But I don’t know if I’m ready because I don’t really have a support system anymore.

Hi Yellowpearl, I can deeply relate to being isolated when going through the worst. I isolated myself from family and friends. Now I'm working my way back. It will be very difficult for you to engage with your pwBPD if you don't have some sort of support system in place.

When I finally reached out to family and friends, I didn't give out the whole situation at once. I shared some personal stuff to test their reaction and their capacity, and when I felt safer I revealed more. I will admit it is not an easy thing to do. But bringing in outside people to the situation has given me more strength than I every imagined to face things.

If you were to reach out to someone, who would the first person be? What part of what's happening do you think you would be comfortable to share with them?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Yellowpearl]

Thanks for your thoughts, onceremoved and RolandOfEld.

I have started therapy a few weeks ago, it's helping a bit and it's nice knowing I have someone to talk to weekly but for some reason, all the avoiding of people, I've done during this time just to cope has kinda been getting to me. I don't really think there's any one person I feel comfortable sharing this stuff with. I wonder if just the therapist is enough for now or not? And there is one friend i'd like to start talking to again eventually soon but she knows something is going on with me so just saying I was having a tough time won't be sufficient. I can't help but to avoid her further to avoid being triggered by having to talk about it. It's too hard.

I want to reach out and let him know I feel sorry for the things I said and let him know if he ever wants to talk i'm here, but again with just a therapist, and my parents who i visit here and there, I'm not sure i'm strong enough to deal with this because I feel very aware that he may react in anyway and I experienced so much anxiety from the fallout that i'm scared of getting hurt again. Yet with hanging on the apology and sitting on it for weeks now, I feel like i'm not really moving in any direction. I'm just kind of moping around and dreading everything.

[Harri]

Hi Yellowpearl.   

I am glad you are in therapy and that it is going well for you.  I think it is okay to just talk with your therapist for now.  You do not need to share your story with anyone, not even a friend.   You can still get together and go out socially doing whatever it is you do.  Have fun.  But there is no need to talk about stuff.  A simple "I don't want to talk about stuff now, I'd rather spend time with you having fun" is just fine. 

Support can involve just getting together with friends and having fun.

[Yellowpearl]

Harri, that’s a very good point. I have a therapist I can share with and don’t have to tell this story to anyone else, I think the hard part for me will be breaking the ice in the awkwardness of my avoidance in explaining where I’d been these past few months. Especially for the friends that knows something’s been up and it may take a while to pick up that phone. As I have a therapist now I just wish I can send that apology to pwBPD but I’m almost still shell shocked from the fallout.

[once removed]

sometimes when i have a lot on my plate, it weighs on me, and nothing else gets done, important or otherwise. it adds up.

could weighing whether or not to send the apology have to do with the sort of paralyzed feelings, isolation, wanting to but not wanting to reach out to your friends?

[Yellowpearl]

Yes onceremoved! I think all this added weight and stressing about not talking but wanting to talk to friends and this isolation is affecting whether or not to reach out to send the apology. I  wonder if I’m overthinking it and maybe if i would’ve sent the apology, I would’ve been talking to friends and gotten past this process by now. I wonder if I’m delaying this whole thing but at the same time it’s true that I don’t want to get hurt and I’m trying hard to protect myself from being affected by anything... I can’t really make sense of how to get out of this.

[once removed]

what about mentally tabling it (setting it aside) for a set period of time. make a commitment, for a week, two weeks, a month, get some fresh air and sunshine, let your mind breathe without that pressure, and take some first steps with your friends... .maybe plan an outing.

there are tools for dealing with ruminations. they can get debilitating: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.10

things might be clearer when you come back to it, they always are for me. what do you think?

[Yellowpearl]

That’s a great idea, to mentally put it away for another week or two without thinking about the apology and focus on other things, I could use the fresh air. So maybe once I come back to it, i’ll feel more at ease about sending it rather than being so wrapped up with it along with everything else.

Thanks for the helpful article about ruminating. I didn’t correlate ruminating to tramautic events to that extent before and the importance of telling yourself it’s a lot right now due to the nature of what happened and you can come back to it, that’s very eye opening.