I think my boyfriend has BPD

[yelirful444]

I've been feeling lost for a few months now and I really need help. I've been dating my boyfriend for the past year and things have gotten really bad. My boyfriend has broken up with me at least 5 or 6 times this year, after blowups for things that wouldn't even be worth a small argument in my mind. He breaks up with me only to come back within a hours or days. He's always so apologetic, embarrassed, and says he feels like he was outside of his body and out of control. It wasn't until a week or two ago that I discovered BPD, and I think he may have it. He has a history of substance abuse, anxiety, and depression. I knew from the start of our relationship that he had issues with abandonment, but I didn't think much of it.

He broke up with me yesterday after I sent a snapchat that he didn't like, and now he won't answer my calls. I really think these explosions are a result of BPD - they come out of nowhere and can't be reasoned with. I often feel crazy and no matter how much logic I use, it doesn't matter. He can't seem to empathize with my thoughts or feelings, and he certainly can't see outside of himself to pause for even a moment. Instead, he explodes and ends things.

My friends and family are fed up with him. I understand this, and I feel myself being isolated as I try to hide his behavior from them. Even worse, I've been modifying my behavior to avoid his blowups. We have talked about therapy a few times. I'm going to see someone on Saturday, but he hasn't set up any appointments or done anything about it.

I just feel crazy all the time and so so sad right now because I don't know where he is or why he isn't answering my calls. I know that people will say I should leave him, and maybe I should, but I love him so much. I see that he is not his mental illness, but I also know that I have to take care of myself. I really just need some help, I'm so lost.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hello and welcome to the board!  you are in the right place to talk about your relationship and things you can do to help yourself and possibly improve things on your end in terms of the relationship.   The back and forth can be very confusing and hurtful.

What is your response when he break up with you?  How about when he approaches you to get together again? 

I am glad you recognize that isolating and avoiding are not healthy.  They are things that can and should be worked on and changed in time.

How do you want your relationship to look?  No one on this board will tell you to leave.  That is a very personal decision that only you can make and we will support your efforts to maintain and hopefully achieve a more balanced way of being with him.

[yelirful444]

When he breaks up with me it's usually over text so there isn't much to do. It's happened while I've been at work and while visiting my family in another state (current situation). When he does that, I try to text or call him to reason with him but ultimately just say "if this is what you want, then I accept it" and I try to stay away. Inevitably he calls me or texts me in a few hours or days and sometimes acts like nothing even happened or apologizes and moves on very quickly. I used to just move on, but recently I've insisted on taking a walk and really talking about things. The conversations after we get back together feel very productive - he explains what is going on or what was going through his head and then we talk about what I was thinking and feeling. Often we end up talking about therapy. Unfortunately, nothing has happened on that front yet - he hasn't looked up therapists at all.

I want my relationship to just be easy, honest, and relaxed. I want to feel comfortable telling him anything without fear that it might set him off. I truly can't believe that my sending a snapchat at a sporting event set this one off. Now he won't answer my phone calls and I have no idea where he is.

[Yellowpearl]

Hey welcome! I wanted to reply here to you, because i'm sort going through the same thing. In my situation, my pwbPD stopped speaking to me for several weeks, then there was a blow up out of nowhere, and unfortunately, I kept pushing to talk or meet up about it, which only made things worse, and it led him just not wanting to talk anymore, when there was no logic/reasoning behind all of this in the first place. Right now, i'm giving it space, I may try apologizing for pushing him and see what happens, i'm just trying to learn how to cope with these situations and this sorta conflict in the meantime. Just wanted you to know you aren't alone, and I understand what you're experiencing.

It sounds like he may be all over the place right now with his emotions. Have you tried sending a message, you understand he is upset but you will be there if he is ready to talk and then just leave him to it? My mistake, was I didn't say anything like that. I wanted answers right away, because I was so anxious. Looking back, I realized, if he knew he had the space, things would have been more repairable than they are now.

[Harri]

Hi!

I think giving him space as you do and as Yellowpearl says is the best thing to do.  Chasing after him can be seen as disrespectful or a pressure tactic, plus it is not good for you emotionally. 

I want my relationship to just be easy, honest, and relaxed. I want to feel comfortable telling him anything without fear that it might set him off. I truly can't believe that my sending a snapchat at a sporting event set this one off. Now he won't answer my phone calls and I have no idea where he is.  I like this: "if this is what you want, then I accept it" and I try to stay away. 

Have you ever tried telling him this is not acceptable (not in those words)?  Or is breaking things off something you are willing to accept from him?  I am not challenging you at all, I just don't want to take this conversation in the wrong direction for you.  What are your thoughts when he does this?

I want my relationship to just be easy, honest, and relaxed. I want to feel comfortable telling him anything without fear that it might set him off. I truly can't believe that my sending a snapchat at a sporting event set this one off. Now he won't answer my phone calls and I have no idea where he is.

I am not sure this is possible.  Not to discourage you but (!) emotional instability is the hallmark of BPD.  pwBPD (people with BPD) will have emotional swings that aren't always easy to understand or predict.  Having appropriate expectations about being in a relationship with a pwBPD is very important.   Check out this article for an idea of what it takes to be in a relationship:  The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

We can also change, or more accurately, improve, how we communicate with them.  I am not laying blame here.  Often a pwBPD will hear things differently or attach meaning and emotions to things that we did not mean.  There are communication techniques that can be learned to help reduce our part in setting them off.  Before things can get better, we have to stop making them worse.  All we can change is what we do, so again, I am not blaming you.  Rather I am focusing on the only thing you can do which is work on you.

We can help you as you work your way through things.  Read, ask questions, post, join in other threads.  It will all help you.

[Radcliff]

The situations you are describing are very familiar to us.  You are not alone in having these experiences.  There is a lot of hope here -- Yellowpearl and Harri have offered some excellent advice, and you can use coping tools that you can learn here in order to improve the situation.  It takes time, patience, and support, but your efforts can make a big difference.

One of the things that struck me as hopeful is the fact that you said that your talks with him after a blowup feel productive.  Many couples coping with BPD don't have the ability to have these sorts of productive talks, so that is a good sign. 

You mentioned that no amount of logic appears to work with him.  This is familiar, since pwBPD are driven by emotions.  One adaptation that's very helpful for newcomers to master is to avoid the temptation to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Do you see yourself doing any of those things currently?

RC