I think I am just wary in a way I have never been before. Feeling like I can't be open and freely myself, and then second guessing what a new person is thinking or saying. All this paying attention to every little detail of what we say/validate/invalidate has had its toll. I am just observing myself, and hoping it will fade over time. I suppose the trouble is, I took my exuBPD person at face value, to my detriment, and I don't want to ever do that again, but we actually have to be vulnerable if we want a chance to be close to someone.
Luan, I think I can fully relate here. A big part of where I found I got this 'high' from my ex, was that I felt I could fully trust her - to the point of where I did not see what I was doing as reckless - it felt immersive and it felt liberating, to find someone where trust feels it didnt even need to be considered and I literally threw it to the wind.
and all of that - could - have been totally fine -
if it would have worked.
I feel the same that I wont do it again, because this throwing caution to the wind and putting too much trust too early, not really knowing her properly - sure I had made myself vulnerable to hurt but I did it to a point where an abuse of that trust became heartbreaking, rather than disappointing.
I hope you might think about the option of finding some middle ground because after something like this, it can happen to go to a defensive other extreme in response. It happened to me but I see it more as a temporary antidote rather than something I will get stuck on.
I think in the r/s part of the eggshell walking is that I felt that to ever question her integrity or faitfulness was an 'unspeakable' and would lead to conflict. I was groomed to just accept it as fact that she was an honest person, loved me and would never do harm.
When I did point out my suspicions - it resulted in her never denying it but instead asking "Cromwell! why would you ever think that about me?"
I got my answer but I also got the new answer, it was pointless to even bother going down this route in future.
The thing that is hard for me to do is not be able to set aside the fact there are manipulative deceitful partners where the advice to "get to know them steadily over time and earn trust". How long can it actually go before you can validate trustworthiness?
You get people who work in corporations for decades, they work their way up as role model exemplary employees, only to then commit embezzlement on the large scale once they get into a position of higher trust/less oversight. Then everyone is in disbelief if it is uncovered.
Suppose it is just the way of the world and we are never going to be immune to it. But Luan, I dont see how living in hypervigilant state permanently is also ever going to enrich any relationship. I think my advantage is less about trying to control the chance of being disappointed but having learned how to cope with having already went through betrayal, swallow the bitter pill and realise I could do it again if it happens, but also be open to the fact that it might not, that it did not in the past and that I can build better boundaries in future to discourage it.
