NC for Good

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mom is diagnosed BPD, and I have gone NC many times over the years for my own mental health. Recently, she turned her lies & manipulations on my 13 year old son, which is a first for her. She has never gone after my children before, and it was like a light switch went off in my head, and the ability to finally make the decision to go NC for good was easily made, and brought such an overwhelming feeling of peace to my life. My husband & I discussed it, and it has been 8 weeks since I made the decision, and it still feels unbelievably right.

Both of my boys, ages 16 & 13, now know a lot of what was going on since she began turning her lies/manipulations on them. I know she will try  to retaliate against me one day, and since she has tried to damage every relationship I have ever had, I know she will go after my relationship with them. I want them aware of her mental health struggles, and to know what she is capable of so they are never blindsided. I know when they are adults she will try to worm her way into their lives, and have prepared them as much as I can. I hated speaking to them about this, but she is the most dangerous person in their lives. They both are in agreement that she needs to be out of our lives, and that we made the right decision for our family.

I'm experiencing fallout with extended family, my mom's sister in particular. She has never had close dealings with my mom, other than listening from afar to my mom's lies & does not know who she is. My mom is now moving to live with her, and work in her business since my brother & I have gone NC. I tried to warn my aunt, since my mom is a felon & has stolen from family, but my aunt will hear none of it. It is frustrating, but everyone keeps telling me to let my aunt learn the hard way. In a year, or two, she will understand. I hate leaving someone in that position, but nothing I say will make her see reason.

Every instance in the past when I went NC I felt horrible guilt for turning away from my mother. It ate me up. This time, the peace I am feeling is almost scary.  I don't know if it is healthy, or if it is my motherly instincts kicking in and protecting my children at all costs that is allowing me to turn away with no guilt. All I can say, I hope this lasts.

[Irish1477]

My mom is diagnosed BPD, and I have gone NC many times over the years for my own mental health. Recently, she turned her lies & manipulations on my 13 year old son, which is a first for her. She has never gone after my children before, and it was like a light switch went off in my head, and the ability to finally make the decision to go NC for good was easily made, and brought such an overwhelming feeling of peace to my life. My husband & I discussed it, and it has been 8 weeks since I made the decision, and it still feels unbelievably right.

Both of my boys, ages 16 & 13, now know a lot of what was going on since she began turning her lies/manipulations on them. I know she will try  to retaliate against me one day, and since she has tried to damage every relationship I have ever had, I know she will go after my relationship with them. I want them aware of her mental health struggles, and to know what she is capable of so they are never blindsided. I know when they are adults she will try to worm her way into their lives, and have prepared them as much as I can. I hated speaking to them about this, but she is the most dangerous person in their lives. They both are in agreement that she needs to be out of our lives, and that we made the right decision for our family.

I'm experiencing fallout with extended family, my mom's sister in particular. She has never had close dealings with my mom, other than listening from afar to my mom's lies & does not know who she is. My mom is now moving to live with her, and work in her business since my brother & I have gone NC. I tried to warn my aunt, since my mom is a felon & has stolen from family, but my aunt will hear none of it. It is frustrating, but everyone keeps telling me to let my aunt learn the hard way. In a year, or two, she will understand. I hate leaving someone in that position, but nothing I say will make her see reason.

Every instance in the past when I went NC I felt horrible guilt for turning away from my mother. It ate me up. This time, the peace I am feeling is almost scary.  I don't know if it is healthy, or if it is my motherly instincts kicking in and protecting my children at all costs that is allowing me to turn away with no guilt. All I can say, I hope this lasts.

[Harri]

Hi.

Sometimes peace comes from just making a decision.  In this case it sounds like you chose to do what is right for your kids and that is always good.  Sometimes it is harder to make tough decisions when other loved ones are involved.  Healthy mom instincts kick in.

I agree that your aunt needs to come to her own conclusion about your mom.  Hopefully in time that will happen especially with them living together though there is no guarantee.  I think not saying anything further is a good choice.  If she is not ready to hear or see her sisters behaviors, you talking about it is only going to backfire.

[once removed]

Recently, she turned her lies & manipulations on my 13 year old son, which is a first for her. She has never gone after my children before

what happened?

[Panda39]

Hi Irish,

Good for you to protect your family  It's interesting how much easier it is to do something for someone else, than for ourselves sometimes isn't it.  I think it's great you've been able to discuss this with your kids forewarned is forearmed should she reach out later.

Yep, I agree your aunt is going to have to learn the hard way.  You have done what you can by warning her, but you can't make her see or believe something she doesn't. 

Panda39