Tips for validating while setting boundaries

[_inthelight_]

I'm new to unraveling all of this and just beginning to gain knowledge and insight BUT my current situation is time sensitive as we approach Christmas. I'm in a position where I will have to make a decision on whether or not I will allow my mom's mental well-being dictate how I spend my holiday. What I would LIKE to do is to talk to my mom, 1-on-1 and try to allow her to feel heard and loved. I still don't believe she is malicious in her intent but just a damaged individual who uses the best relational skills and methods of getting what she needs that are available to her. I would also LIKE to propose that we spend time together for Christmas when it is more conducive to both of our schedules, not just hers. Is it possible that we can both get what we want or am I setting myself up for a blow-up? My heart hopes for the best but my gut tells me to prep for the worst if I go through with it. Does anyone have similar situations or tips that they'd be willing to share?

[HappyChappy]

Hi _inthelight_

Someone with BPD struggles with empathy, so tends to do whats in their own best interest. However, it may also coincidently be in your best interest. So for example my BPD likes playing board games – so do I, win win.  But she also wants continual attention, where as sometimes I need a lye down – absolutely no point explain this to her, my needs don’t interest her, so she will just find ways to invalidate my need to lie down. In fact sometimes she just kicks you to get attention. A BPD is unlikely to change the behaviour linked to their illness.

Can you see any win win scenarios between you and your mom ? In terms of 1 to 1 conversation, there are various tools on here such as S.E.T. (Sympathy Empathy and Trust) that help us get the most out of conversations . Welcome to these boards, and I expect someone official will be along soon with links and everything. Have a great Christmas. 

[Turkish]

 She wants something,  you want something. Can you tell us your position and hers?

[_inthelight_]

Thank you HappyChappy and Turkish for your responses. The specifics of this particular situation are complicated. She has changed the long standing tradition of my FOO’s getting together on Christmas morning to Christmas Eve even though it is in direct conflict with plans or other long-standing traditions that some of her adult children already had in place. She is unwilling to consider alternatives so that we could all be together on a day/time that would work for everyone. She cites her belief that our family (my FOO) is always working around everyone else’s plans with the adult children’s in-laws. This isn’t true (actually the opposite is true, as we typically try to coordinate our plans around hers) but nevertheless,  it’s what she believes. She states that she has to work on Christmas Day which could be seen as a valid excuse except that she has a history of using work as an excuse when she doesn’t want to participate in a family event that doesn’t meet her needs. If she is “needed”, she has no problem taking off work, calling in sick or sacrificing her time and sleep to make it work.

Back to the current situation though, in order for this to be as close to a win-win as possible, we will attend my FOO’s celebration for about an hour and a half and then leave to attend my in-law’s celebration. It’s less than ideal because I really wish I could spend more time with my FOO and not be rushing to spend quality time, eat, watch the kids open their presents, etc. I don’t think it’s fair to ask my in-law’s to change their family’s tradition at the last minute to accommodate her’s. Last year when she did this for the first time, my husband refused to accommodate and I spent Christmas Eve rushing the kids to both events. I was miserable and stressed and my M ended up being berating my H for not attending our FOO’s event even though he had essentially been given him an ultimatum to choose between his family and mine. This year, he says he is open to attending as long as we keep his side of the family’s tradition as well.

One of my siblings has already opted out of our FOO’s plans this year. My internal struggle revolves around whether or not she will find ammunition to hurl at us if we agree to go and leave early to accommodate other plans. Are we setting ourselves up for failure by not fully meeting her expectations and rearranging our plans to accommodate hers? Are we rewarding her bad behavior when she attacked my husband for not attending from last year by him attending this year? If we attend, even in our limited capacity, are we providing ammunition against my siblings who are refusing to acquiesce this year?

I have already tried to suggest mutually beneficial alternatives in a supportive and positive manner but her response was that she was not open to considering anything other than what she had decided and culminated with hostile remarks and A comment of how her pain was too much to bare and hints of suicald ideation. The more I think about it, the more I think that trying to talk to her again will be futile and possibly detrimental to preserving any potential enjoyment of the holiday. I guess I’m struggling with the fundamental question of “Should I make a sacrifice in order to keep some level of peace or is making the sacrifice fueling the fire?”

Sorry this is so long but I tried to make it as concise as possible with so many variables at play. Sometimes it feels like I’m chasing my tail trying to rationalize the irrational.

Best wishes and strength to everyone who is struggling with a loved one this holiday season.

[Harri]

Hi.

My internal struggle revolves around whether or not she will find ammunition to hurl at us if we agree to go and leave early to accommodate other plans. Are we setting ourselves up for failure by not fully meeting her expectations and rearranging our plans to accommodate hers? Are we rewarding her bad behavior when she attacked my husband for not attending from last year by him attending this year? If we attend, even in our limited capacity, are we providing ammunition against my siblings who are refusing to acquiesce this year?

Please do not define success or failure based on her reaction to whatever you choose.  Your mother is going to do what your mother does---> find fault and place blame and then use guilt.   If she chooses to use your choices as ammunition against your siblings, then that is her choice.  You need to make choices about what it right for you, what is consistent with your values and wishes.  

Unfortunately it does not sound like there is a solution that will please everyone.  She will be upset/displeased no matter what you choose.  In those cases my suggestion is to choose what is right for you (I know I am repeating myself here  )  

There is no good solution here and that is because your mom is not willing to work with you.  One option that would work I think is if your mom went with all of you to your husbands parents house but is that going to happen?  It does not sound like it.

She is making her choice and taking a stand.  Seeing her on her terms for a limited times seems like the best solution overall.  There really is no feel good option that will please everyone here.

[_inthelight_]

Hi Harri! Thank you for offering your thoughts on my situation. You affirmed what I thought I knew but it is a HUGE help to hear it come from an objective source. I go round and round in my head trying to weigh options and outcomes when these types of situations come up and usually just end up feeling lost. Thank you for reminding me not to define my “success” or “failure” in terms of her reaction. I suspect that that is a thought pattern that I’ve been conditioned to follow by her blame and guilt tactics. It is something that I will have to work on recognizing and changing within myself. I honestly didn’t even realize that I was framing my thoughts in this situation based on whether I succeed or fail but I said it plain-as-day and you caught it and pointed it out and I thank you for that! You are 100% correct that my M is unwilling to consider alternatives and all I can do is accommodate to the point that it doesn’t sacrifice my own wishes and plans. I have to start working on accepting that I can’t control her reactions and not allowing her reactions to determine my sense of self.

[Harri]

   Thank you for hearing what I was saying.  It is not easy stuff to take in but it can be quite freeing.

I have to start working on accepting that I can’t control her reactions and not allowing her reactions to determine my sense of self.

A lot of us struggle with this.  Who are we without our disordered parents distorted lens effecting how we see us?  Self- differentiation is so important and does not come easily after a lifetime of training to please and appease.  Knowing where you begin and end in relation to another is important.  It is something we all should have learned as kids but didn't.  We can do it as adults though.  Let your mom have her emotions and reactions and be responsible for them.  Same for you.  If you feel upset and tense with the holiday drama, that is your reaction and you need to manage that. 

It is not easy to let go of trying to fix but keep working on it.  We can help  you and support you through it.

For now, how do you feel about just letting things play our however they do?

[_inthelight_]

I’m not sure what” letting things play out however they do” means. At the moment, I feel pretty content about going to my parents for a little while as long as my husband doesn’t change his mind about going. I already have plans to spend time with my sibling that won’t be attending the “big” Christmas event and am looking forward to that. I think this is the best case scenario because at least we’ll all still get to see each other. I’m also keenly aware that my M may throw a Hail Mary (i.e. cancel Christmas, refuse to participate, etc) and trying to mentally prepare for that.