Long Time Lurker, First Time Poster-Today Exhausted Me

[bec14]

Hi All,

I am the mother of an almost 22 year old BPD daughter. I have spent time reading the messages on this board, and have felt very heartened to know that I am not alone!  Today was not the worst day we have ever had by far, but for some reason, I'm just exhausted.
 
Z was diagnosed as a teenager, and we had a number of rough years - eating disorder, cutting, suicidality, sexual promiscuity, school difficulties.  Her teenage years were very difficult, she spent quite a bit of time in DBT therapy, we never left her alone, and she managed to go to college.(Yay Z!)  College has been up and down, she has been in and out of therapy, and it is taking her a bit longer to matriculate.  She is doing very well academically, really well!, but struggling socially. Although she really struggles with emotionally volatility, she is doing so much better than we ever thought she would do! I am really proud of her! 

And then... .I found out that she snuck a credit card out of my wallet when she was home and bought very expensive sneakers for her boyfriend, and lied about it- I only found out because the bill came today.   Compared to some of the things she has dealt with in the past this is small.  It's nothing like when I used to have to search her room for sharps, or watch her when she shaved.  But for some reason it just sucked all the wind out of me.  I thought she was doing so much better and then to find out that she was sneaking credit cards, which is essentially stealing, makes me wonder what else she is doing. 

I think I am just looking for some advice.  She is 22, so I can no longer require her to be in therapy. I want to help her before she slips into more detrimental behaviors, if she hasn't already. 

Thank you for any insight you can give me!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello bec14 

I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter stole from you. That must have been quite a shock to see the bill. Am I right to assume, since you know that the charge was for expensive sneakers for her boyfriend, that you've talked with her about it? How did that go?

I wish I had some advice for you - I'm pretty new here myself and still finding my footing with this disorder, even though my 25-year-old daughter (DD25) was diagnosed at around age 17.

~ OH

[Harri]

Hi bec and welcome to the board. 

Since you have been a long time lurker I assume you have read many of the articles we have listed above in the thread titled Lessons?  There is some really good info there but the best part of coming out of lurker mode is interacting with the other parents who post here.

It sounds like your daughter stealing caught you by surprise and I can understand why you would feel exhausted after she has been doing so well only to do what she did.  It is draining.

You are right that you can't force her to go to therapy.  Does she live with you or is she living on campus?  Do you have other children?

I am glad you posted.  There is no need to go through this alone.

 

[bec14]

Hi Only Human,

Thank you for replying!  We had an initial talk with her and it didn't go super well.  She was very angry, denied everything, and said she was having an anxiety attack.  Our plan is talk to her some more in the next few days. 

How are things going with your daughter?

bec

[bec14]

Hi Harri,

Thank you for replying!  Yes, I have read a bunch of the articles on here, but I think I am going to read them again, and see what other ones I can find.  It helps to get advice from everywhere!  It's super helpful to read these posts, and like you said to have other parents to talk to. 

DD22 lives on campus a few hours away.  It's generally been a good situation.  It has enabled her to grow up and I think the space has improved our relationship enormously.  The down side is that we don't always know what she is doing or how much she is adhereing to her treatment plan.  This latest issue of her stealing my credit card when she was home is a good example of that.  We have been really lax when she was here, but it seems we may need to rethink that. 

We do have one other child, a son 19, at a different college, also a few hours away.  I think he is happy to be away from the constant hurricane that is life with his sister. He loves her, but it was not always easy growing up in the house with her.  I have talked with him about it, and apologized for the fact that i spent so much time parenting her.  It's a guilt that I will carry with me I think forever. 

Thank you for listening!

bec

[Harri]

We all help each other here so o course we listen.     Are you feeling any better?

I would imagine the worry with your daughter being away is pretty high.  Same with your son being away but maybe a different type of worry? 

Will she be returning at winter break?  Have you determined that you need to have a plan for how to handle things when she is home?   My usual preference, for everything, it to be prepared but sometimes there is a fine line between being prepared and controlling... .at least for me.    I imagine you were acting from a place of trust when you went a bit lax and I think that is okay.  Lesson learned for all of you I guess. 

Have you talked with DD22 since you found out about the credit card?

[once removed]

hi bec14, i want to join Harri and Only Human and say

I have spent time reading the messages on this board, and have felt very heartened to know that I am not alone!

nothing reduces feelings of being alone than realizing you arent alone, huh. and not to mention, in circumstances that seem so hard for others to fathom. im glad you reached out, and i hope youll make yourself at home here as part of the family.

how is your daughter struggling socially? not relating to her peers, not making friends, fighting with friends?

its a bummer, about the credit card. stealing makes me feel really violated, and while it dictates a response of some kind, its good not to be too reactive or punitive, but smart and practical.

[Feeling Better]

Hi bec14

I am glad that you decided to post, nice to meet you 

I have talked with him about it, and apologized for the fact that i spent so much time parenting her.  It's a guilt that I will carry with me I think forever

This is good bec that you involved your son by explaining to him why you spent so much time parenting his older sister. How did he respond? Did his response cause you to feel guilt? Or is the guilt something that you feel regardless? x