My Son turns 4 today

[JNChell]

Hey, Family. My Son turns 4 today. At 5:38 p.m. to be precise. I’m not able to see him today, so I thought that maybe a little celebration could be had here for him.

He’s quite a little boy. He’s had to endure his mom and dad not being able to be together. He’s been strong. He loves pasta, mac n’ cheese, grilled cheese, sloppy joe’s and mandarin oranges. He likes salad here and there. He loves the Avengers and Thomas. Although, I think Thomas is starting to wear off. Let’s be honest, Thomas isn’t overly exciting. He’s into Batman and has been talking about Harry Potter quite a bit. Kudos to mom for that. Harry Potter is a brilliant story. He has gotten very good at his puzzles and learning toys. He used to want me to help him with them, now he says “daddy, look!”. When he’s completed one. I’m so proud of him. I guess that it’s time for some more difficult puzzles.  Oh, he loves fish sticks, too. Someday I’ll get him on broccoli and chicken.

My Son is the best thing that ever happened to me. He was born into a situation that I wish he hadn’t been, but it is what it is now. When I told my sister that we were having a child, she told that being a parent will be the best thing that I ever do. I hope that she’s right. I really love my boy. Happy Birthday Son. I love you and I’m proud of you.

[Stjarna]

Hi JNChell -- Your son sounds like a curious and smart little guy, and you seem like a wonderful dad.  I took delight in reading your sweet words about him as I have two sons born on December 1 (1979 and 1986) - my other three children are daughters, and these boys born on the same day have added so much joy to my life.  I think Thomas was before their time, but I have a grandson who was so into Thomas.  Both my son (his dad) and I were heartbroken when he grew out of Thomas, so I can relate! 

I am celebrating my boys' birthdays this coming Wednesday - their dad took them out to dinner last night on their actual birthday.  Even though they are adults, I still missed seeing them yesterday. 

And yes, there are ups and downs and joys and heartbreaks for sure, but in the end, I believe your sister is right!   Thank you for sharing. 

[JNChell]

Stjarna, thank you for sharing. You’ve got quite a bunch of kids. Quite honestly, if it was possible, I’d have more. There is nothing in this world like having a baby. But I know where things are.

I can’t imagine being stuck between all of those children and what has brought you here. Grown or little, our babies are precious.

It wasn’t stated, but do you have twins? The kids are everything. Everything else gets pushed aside. How are you feeling and what’s going on with you?

[Stjarna]

Hi -- they are not twins - they just happened to both be born on December 1 - 7 years apart - 1979 and 1986.

I have been a member of this board for 4 or 5 years - I left a 40-year marriage to an uBPD husband in 2013.  I was a classic mender, fixer, keeper of the peace while my family was growing up, and there were some events that happened in late 2012 that caused me to want to be free.  I finally sought some counseling for myself, and my therapist asked me to start reading about manipulative behavior and BPD, particularly.  Well, the lightbulbs started coming on, and I started seeing the issues we had had for all of those years in a different light.  Before, they had been explained away by my ex as his PTSD and problems arising from his service in Vietnam (which, no doubt did not help his situation - but it wasn't the whole enchilada).   He has some basic personality issues (along with addictive tendencies - he was addicted to opiates toward the end of our marriage, which was one of the things that was becoming a deal-breaker for me). 

Anyway... .Life is good for me now.  I spent a few years shrouded in FOG about leaving the ex.  But he finally sought some help (after 5 separate suicide attempts - he was court ordered into some intensive therapy) and seems to be fairly functional now, has remarried and has a fairly stable life, so I have been working on myself and have let the guilt go. 

Just in the last year I have stepped out of my comfort zone - traveled to Peru in October all by myself, started dating, reaching out to people.  I met a lovely man my age (63), and we have been getting closer and closer over the last 6-1/2 months.   I learned so much on this board about what a good relationship could possibly look like and learned many communication tools.  I've been in therapy since 2013, which has helped me live more authentically and be able to speak up and ask for what I need, which is something that was very stifled during my marriage.  I gave up a lot of myself in my efforts to "keep the peace."  Wow... .just thinking back on that shows me how very far I have come.

Thank you for asking about my life - I appreciate it and am trying to share more. I read and keep up with everyone regularly but rarely post as usually I feel my comments are redundant - there are so many eloquent posters here and I often feel like I don't have much to add.  I also work full time and have a busy life otherwise and don't spend much time on the computer.  Many times I will check in on my breaks at work and read several posts but do not have time to answer or share my thoughts. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JNChell, I was touched by your post and would like to join in the celebration here for your 4-year-old son.  I'm sorry that you could not see him on his birthday.  I have two boys myself, ages 18 and 19.  Sad to say, we are estranged at present.  Like your son, they've had to grow up with two parents unable to get along and unable to be together, due to a terrible disorder.  Yet they are still the best thing that ever happened to me.  It sounds much the same for you.

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Hey there, Stjarna. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I was absent from the community for a bit. Hope you’re doing well.

Hi -- they are not twins - they just happened to both be born on December 1 - 7 years apart - 1979 and 1986.

Now this is just too awesome! I bet the birthdays are a blast. Do the two of them share a special bond in this?

Wow! 40 years is a very long time to endure what you have. I’ve read, in more than one place, that PTSD and BPD are commonly comorbid with one another, and that it’s often difficult for therapists to figure out what is going on. Not to mention, BPD is just recently starting to get some real attention. There are still many therapists that aren’t familiar with it.

So, you’ve been here for 4-5 years? How about coming out and talking with us a little bit more. No pressure, just a friendly invite.

I’m glad to hear that your life is good now and that you’re out of the FOG.

Just in the last year I have stepped out of my comfort zone - traveled to Peru in October all by myself, started dating, reaching out to people.  I met a lovely man my age (63), and we have been getting closer and closer over the last 6-1/2 months.

This as well. Too awesome! I don’t have the nerve to travel abroad on my own. I’d rather ask others how it went for them. So, how was it?  It sounds like the last 6 1/2 months have been interesting and nice. I’m curious because I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be in a romantic relationship again. How did you know when you were ready, and how did it feel to take the plunge?

Wow... .just thinking back on that shows me how very far I have come.

That’s a very good observation of yourself and you should be proud of yourself. I’m happy for you. I hope to see you out and about more around here.

[JNChell]

Hi, LJ. First off, thank you for the kind words. Yes indeed. Being a father has changed me for the better. I know what unconditional love feels like now. Giving and sending. Obviously it’s on a different and higher level than what I had with his mom, I'm just saying that the experience has opened new doors in me.

Lucky Jim, I’m sorry to read about the estrangement. I really am. I can’t imagine how that must feel. Do you think that there may be resolve in the future? Do you see a pathway for you and your two boys moving forward?

[Red5]

Hey JNChell!

Thank you for sharing, and Happy Birthday to your Son : )

I have three children, who are all grown up now... .save my oldest who is autistic, he is thirty two now, but is a seven year old developmentally.

My Baby Girl just turned twenty six on the third, and my middle Son is now twenty eight.

They do grow up fast!

May good karma, and happiness overcome and engulf you !

Kind Regards!

Red5

[Lucky Jim]

Do you think that there may be resolve in the future? Do you see a pathway for you and your two boys moving forward?

Thanks for asking, JNChell.  Yes, I keep the door open and continue to reach out to them, so I think the tide will turn at some point as they get out from under the influence of my BPDxW and her vindictive way of getting back at me by cutting me off from my own kids, yet that's all part of PAS (parental alienation syndrome).

LJ

[JNChell]

Hey, Red5. You’re so right! It moves along so quickly. You know, S4 still looks the same to me as he did when he was crawling around on the floor. He had the funniest crawl. I won’t take up bandwidth to try to describe it, but I named it the “kickstart crawl”. He was ready to walk out of the gate and often face planted in his endeavors.

Thank you for sharing about your kiddos. I can tell that it’s been a blessing for you to be a Father. It’s a life changer, isn’t it? Congrats on your daughter turning 26 on the 3rd. I have a question. Do you feel a little more proud of being a Dad with each passing birthday for each of your kids?

You’ve done a wonderful and stand-up thing with S32. You’re protecting him and that is commendable. I’m still in limbo about what God is, but I’ve taken great consideration into the saying that God won’t place burdens on us that we can’t handle. You’re strong, Red5. Keep that in the front of your mind throughout your journey.

[JNChell]

Hi again, Lucky Jim. I’m glad to read that you see a way back to you and your boys. I’ve read here often that it’s a matter of playing the “long game” at times. Perhaps it will just take some time for your boys to realize that their mother has the mindset of a child. Your patience is recognized. I can’t imagine how hard all of this has been for you. It’s Chess not Checkers.

PAS is something that worries me, but S4’s mom seems to come around fairly soon after withholding him from me. To be honest, I’ve had very poor communication skills with her. I’ve triggered her. I’m focusing on how not to do that anymore, and things are quiet and fairly agreeable at the moment. Thanks for sharing, LJ.