Seeking information / feedback on my situation

[confusedinco]

Hi,  Just left a 6.5 year relationship (marriage) with someone who I fear has BPD or tendencies.  What I experienced: One very violent outburst (hitting me and throwing objects at me and her explanation was "I just snapped"), another episode of having a drinking glass thrown at me, excessive alcohol use, excessive checking in and need for attention, always assuming my thoughts and projecting her's onto me, very up and down but mainly down where she always felt empty, without purpose and wasn't motivated (she suffers from depression, takes Wellbutrin), trouble with apologies, could be very critical of my behavior that she herself would exhibit, had very difficult issues with sex/intimacy, and other things I could add that come up in BPD blogs on symptoms.  I am naturally codependent and didn't exert proper boundaries.  I.E. she felt the need in arguments to yell and say "___ you" which I told her was a red line for me.  I said that we should treat each other with respect even in disagreement.  Well, she would bring it up in arguments as a threat and then would do it and then apologize.  She often would interrupt me in disagreements to say something to refute my view.  Another redline for me that she would use as well to test my limits.  Long story, much dysfunction and turmoil that seemed to be created by her.  She couldn't allow me to do what I wanted to do or complained that I had hobbies/interest and she had none. 
My goal here is to get feedback to know if what I've described is BPD behavior/tendencies and some feedback on how to treat this person now in a separation/divorce environment.  Thanks

[Circle]

Hi there,
Welcome aboard the stormy ship!
Thanks for posting.
There are many mental illnesses and many different personality disorders also. And many of these co-exist with each other.
Here is a link describing different ones.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/personality-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20354463

She sounds like a fury, for sure. Which could be any number of things. I have been off the boards for so long that I no longer have current advice to give. One acronym that helped me out though, was j.a.d.e. You don't won't to jade.
J: justify yourself
A: argue
D: defend yourself
E: explain yourself
Keep reading the different boards, and tips in the margins. There is much good advice there. And be patient, someone else with better advice will likely be along shortly right here.
Hang in there!
 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey confusedinco, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar and I've ducked a few flying wine bottles myself!  We can't diagnose anyone here, though I would say that the behavior you describe is consistent with someone suffering from BPD.  You might want to review the diagnostic criteria for BPD from NIMH or other sources (see Diagnosis & Treatment button, above).  Are you going through a divorce?  How are you holding up?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[confusedinco]

LuckyJim, thanks for the advice.  I've done quite a few on-line tests trying to determine if she has BPD.  However, knowing that one can fit traits into a box to fulfill an outcome, I wanted to get feedback from a group like this.  I'm trying to focus on the exhibited behaviors.  I never exhibited violent tendencies, tried to remain calm in the most distressing arguments, but I know that I had a part in the dynamic and didn't use my best self at all times.  Even still ,with removal from the day to day, I'm struck by the dysfunction I was living with.  Yes, we are moving to divorce and I have to say it's been fairly amicable.  Trying to do it ourselves and not involve attorneys.  I think she is high-functioning so it seems there's an "off switch" to it with her sometimes. 

[Lucky Jim]

I know that I had a part in the dynamic and didn't use my best self at all times.

Hey confused, Don't beat yourself up!  I'm sure you did the best you could under very stressful circumstances.  We all could probably have handled some things better in our BPD relationships.  BPD is an incredibly complex disorder, so cut yourself some slack.  Suggest you try to focus on yourself and your needs as you move forward.

LJ

[confusedinco]

LJ, Right, that's the enabler in me.  T tells me to be better at enforcing boundaries and not confuse them as the cause of uBPDw's issues/outbursts.   Also, we can control our emotions and actions so I shouldn't keep apologizing for someone's behavior.  I did that too much for too long. 

T thinks the same as you that definitely I was dealing with BPD in her.  I still need to create/enforce my boundaries along with recognizing that I have my own truth.  I like the "pink elephant" exercise and am now understanding how much I allowed uBPDw to define my reality.  Gonna take some time to digest how long it was and how deep I was in. 

It is a smoke-filled room dealing with it and I'm just starting to breathe fresh air.