hi 2girls2canines, i want to join
Harri and say
then she calls and expects me to fix it. If I refuse, or have something else going on, I get screamed at, cursed, told how awful I am and how i never do anything for her... .
one thing about people with BPD traits is that there tends not to be a strong sense of "i believe in myself". they can be dependent and reliant on others... .they feel self loathing for having needs, and they often project that loathing onto others for not managing those needs.
She is seeing a newly graduated therapist, not for BPD as she is not diagnosed because she refuses to see a doctor- and says the therapist agrees with her - everyone else is the problem, especially me for being too controlling, and we all need to back off and leave her alone - except that i do need to pay her bills, her car, her apartment, her vacations, her makeup, her college, etc... .and any other thing that she thinks she needs- but we are not to ask any questions or have any expectations of her because her life is none of our business... .
and one thing about therapists is that they are sharp cookies. they sense their patients needs, and they validate, a lot, and they build trust. a good therapist also knows that someone with BPD traits needs extra validation in order to do that. its likely if the therapist told her that shes the problem and heres what she needs to do, shed have been out of there immediately. hard to say for sure, but its also possible that your daughter, to some extent, is translating that validation in an extreme way.
I think if I stop "helping" cold turkey, she will definitely crash and burn.
i think youre absolutely right. we tell members on the Bettering board not to try to change too much too soon for the same reason. a tough love, youre on your own sort of approach doesnt tend to work with a sensitive person, or build trust. what is true is that she needs to build self confidence, to experience natural consequences
and learn that she can survive them. it wont happen over night. it probably wont happen quickly. i think there are some very positive developments, and i think it will be good to work each case/situation out with members here, get feedback as they come up. the same approach wont work in every case.
I am about to start counseling for myself, and I am sure that will help things - especially my mental health as I am losing myself in all of this.
this is a great, and very important step. a strong support system is critical. im glad you reached out to us too, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here.
My 22 year old DD is on track to start grad school next fall in another state
so this, along with seeing a therapist sound like a couple of those positive developments to me. a therapist can equip her with tools, help her build self confidence, establish a trusting relationship, which will be good for her other relationships. if shes in school in another state, shes not going to be able to always rely on you, and there will be natural consequences. it can also help ease tensions between the two of you, and it can give you both some healthy emotional space.
so about what age did you notice something was up?
