Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:04:11 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things I couldn't have known
Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder
Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy
Am I the Cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
94
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Not sure how to handle the last semester of DD undergraduate school  (Read 447 times)
2girls2canines
Fewer than 3 Posts
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 2


« on: December 19, 2018, 08:13:55 PM »

Hello,

I am interested in hearing any advice for moms that "helped" their college students too much - help with assignments, fixing school problems, sending emails, bailing her out of each and every problem that came up. It wasn't like I wanted to do all of this - i would advise her on what to do or how to resolve a problem - but she would get all upset and say she was too stressed out or didn't think she could do it right, etc... .

I guess I kept thinking that if i helped her along, she would realize what she needed to do and would start to be more responsible. it hasn't happened. Sure, she wants to believe she is an adult, and to be treated like an adult, until she needs something, or forgets to do something, or gets in a jam or can't meet a deadline - then she calls and expects me to fix it. If I refuse, or have something else going on, I get screamed at, cursed, told how awful I am and how i never do anything for her... .

My 22 year old DD is on track to start grad school next fall in another state, and yes, I did all off the applications for grad school because she didn't have time - she had to study... .

She has lost all of her roommates/friends/boyfriends over the years - they get sick of her behavior and move out. Her boyfriend has told us he is done with her behavior as well and we are just waiting for that bomb to go off... .

She is seeing a newly graduated therapist, not for BPD as she is not diagnosed because she refuses to see a doctor- and says the therapist agrees with her - everyone else is the problem, especially me for being too controlling, and we all need to back off and leave her alone - except that i do need to pay her bills, her car, her apartment, her vacations, her makeup, her college, etc... .and any other thing that she thinks she needs- but we are not to ask any questions or have any expectations of her because her life is none of our business... .

I know now that I have made all of this worse - i just didn't have any idea what I was dealing with... .now that I know, I am not sure what to do about it. I think if I stop "helping" cold turkey, she will definitely crash and burn. But there are so many things that need to improve and that she needs to be responsible, I am not sure where to start and how quickly to advance the boundaries.

I am about to start counseling for myself, and I am sure that will help things - especially my mental health as I am losing myself in all of this. She has always been one to have a lot of emotional problems - lies, anxiety, adhd... .but the emotional and verbal abuse I have endured for the last 6-8 years is the most awful thing I have ever endured. I have coped well for so long, but I am tired and emotionally spent...

Please don't judge and tell me how I should'nt have helped her all these years - I am well aware and it is in the past - I need to figure out how to move forward... Thanks!

Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2018, 10:32:36 PM »

Hi and welcome to the board!  I am sorry for all that is going on and for what brought you here.

I don't have any specific advice for you but I do want to say that no one is going to harp on the fact that you over-helped your daughter.  I think most everyone here has had that experience and came to the same realization you did.  what does happen here is we support and encourage people to share and work on changing behaviors in ways that can help with communication, setting boundaries etc.  You are not alone.

You said:
Excerpt
I think if I stop "helping" cold turkey, she will definitely crash and burn.
I agree.  Some pwBPD (people with BPD) do not have the life skills needed to function on their own but they can be developed over time.  Helping your child is a natural thing to do.  Who wants to see them struggle?  That is how they learn though, but with support. 

How did you find out about BPD? 

It is great that you will be starting therapy for yourself.  Having a support network is vital.  Aside from your future therapist and here are there any other people who can support you through this?  Turning things around will be hard but it can be done.  The more support and resources you have, the better it will be for you.

Again, I am glad you found us.
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2018, 11:42:47 PM »

hi 2girls2canines, i want to join Harri and say Welcome

then she calls and expects me to fix it. If I refuse, or have something else going on, I get screamed at, cursed, told how awful I am and how i never do anything for her... .

one thing about people with BPD traits is that there tends not to be a strong sense of "i believe in myself". they can be dependent and reliant on others... .they feel self loathing for having needs, and they often project that loathing onto others for not managing those needs.

She is seeing a newly graduated therapist, not for BPD as she is not diagnosed because she refuses to see a doctor- and says the therapist agrees with her - everyone else is the problem, especially me for being too controlling, and we all need to back off and leave her alone - except that i do need to pay her bills, her car, her apartment, her vacations, her makeup, her college, etc... .and any other thing that she thinks she needs- but we are not to ask any questions or have any expectations of her because her life is none of our business... .

and one thing about therapists is that they are sharp cookies. they sense their patients needs, and they validate, a lot, and they build trust. a good therapist also knows that someone with BPD traits needs extra validation in order to do that. its likely if the therapist told her that shes the problem and heres what she needs to do, shed have been out of there immediately. hard to say for sure, but its also possible that your daughter, to some extent, is translating that validation in an extreme way.

I think if I stop "helping" cold turkey, she will definitely crash and burn.

i think youre absolutely right. we tell members on the Bettering board not to try to change too much too soon for the same reason. a tough love, youre on your own sort of approach doesnt tend to work with a sensitive person, or build trust. what is true is that she needs to build self confidence, to experience natural consequences and learn that she can survive them. it wont happen over night. it probably wont happen quickly. i think there are some very positive developments, and i think it will be good to work each case/situation out with members here, get feedback as they come up. the same approach wont work in every case.

I am about to start counseling for myself, and I am sure that will help things - especially my mental health as I am losing myself in all of this.

this is a great, and very important step. a strong support system is critical. im glad you reached out to us too, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here.

My 22 year old DD is on track to start grad school next fall in another state

so this, along with seeing a therapist sound like a couple of those positive developments to me. a therapist can equip her with tools, help her build self confidence, establish a trusting relationship, which will be good for her other relationships. if shes in school in another state, shes not going to be able to always rely on you, and there will be natural consequences. it can also help ease tensions between the two of you, and it can give you both some healthy emotional space.

so about what age did you notice something was up?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
smilepretty

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 34


« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2018, 02:10:11 PM »

2girls: I sent you a message on another thread bc we are in similar situations.  The previous post gave really good advice. Have you reached out to your daughter's therapist?  They can't tell you what they are discussing with your DD in sessions but YOU can provide very helpful information, history/truths, etc. that will help the therapist help your daughter.  My daughter surprisingly gave the her new therapist permission to speak with us and the therapist was willing to have a conference call with us. 

It's so hard not to be manipulated by them and help them even when we don't realize we are.  I've learned to do what FEELS right. If it hurts you to help her, you might have to think again about how much you extend yourself. 
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!