Divorce and how to get through it

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

I just few days ago learned that my husband (or soon to be ex, because I have filed for divorce earlier) and the father of my two kids has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This he shared with me during one of his better moments when he seemed to trust me. He has also suffered from depression and manic periods but does not yet have official diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

During these past few days I've been reading a lot about BPD and it's really scary how familiar many things sound. All the constant drama and sudden changes from me being first idealized and then suddenly as the worse spouse ever and being blamed for wanting bad things for him for "reasons" I've never been able to understand or recognize. This has of course been really difficult to deal with because the accusations could not be further from reality. I have loved him very much, and of course those feelings really don't die easily even if you know the relationship is not healthy anymore.

Many things make sense now knowing the diagnosis, but it also makes me really sad. Divorce was my last option but after 12 years together, and things just getting worse and worse, I felt I had no other choice in order to make him understand that I have limits too. He has been lying and cheating and hates himself deeply because of it, but still somehow manages to blame me of abandoning him. And I do indeed feel guilty of leaving him even if I feel that I've done everything in my power to help and I don't know what more I could do (I got him to seek help from therapy where he has been going on a weekly basis for a year already).

I try to be very supportive and co-operative but his moods swing from loving to anger and terrible anxiety. At times he helps me with kids and at times complete silence from his part and no cooperation. I never know what's coming.

The drama, the accusations and total and sudden mood swings are terrible and difficult to explain to anyone who has not experienced this. So I guess I just wanted to share a part of my story and will be happy to hear any tips on how to heal and get through this period without sacrifising my own health and still staying supportive to the person with BPD.

[Marianne-11]

Hi,

I just few days ago learned that my husband (or soon to be ex, because I have filed for divorce earlier) and the father of my two kids has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This he shared with me during one of his better moments when he seemed to trust me. He has also suffered from depression and manic periods but does not yet have official diagnosis of bipolar disorder.

During these past few days I've been reading a lot about BPD and it's really scary how familiar many things sound. All the constant drama and sudden changes from me being first idealized and then suddenly as the worse spouse ever and being blamed for wanting bad things for him for "reasons" I've never been able to understand or recognize. This has of course been really difficult to deal with because the accusations could not be further from reality. I have loved him very much, and of course those feelings really don't die easily even if you know the relationship is not healthy anymore.

Many things make sense now knowing the diagnosis, but it also makes me really sad. Divorce was my last option but after 12 years together, and things just getting worse and worse, I felt I had no other choice in order to make him understand that I have limits too. He has been lying and cheating and hates himself deeply because of it, but still somehow manages to blame me of abandoning him. And I do indeed feel guilty of leaving him even if I feel that I've done everything in my power to help and I don't know what more I could do (I got him to seek help from therapy where he has been going on a weekly basis for a year already).

I try to be very supportive and co-operative but his moods swing from loving to anger and terrible anxiety. At times he helps me with kids and at times complete silence from his part and no cooperation. I never know what's coming.

The drama, the accusations and total and sudden mood swings are terrible and difficult to explain to anyone who has not experienced this. So I guess I just wanted to share a part of my story and will be happy to hear any tips on how to heal and get through this period without sacrifising my own health and still staying supportive to the person with BPD.

[Mutt]

Hi Marianne-11,



Im sorry for the circumstances that led you to this site on the other hand I’m glad that you decided to join the group.

You answered another member and said you’re not alone. It helps to talk to people that walked a mile in your shoes it’s really hard if not impossible to convey to most folks what a r/s is with a partner that has a personality disorder. It’s a very hard experience as you already know.

During these past few days I've been reading a lot about BPD and it's really scary how familiar many things sound.

Can you explain what the scary parts are? Is it depressing and scary to learn about BPD? Is it hard or feel like it’s hard to accept that a loved one is diagnosed with it?

All the constant drama and sudden changes from me being first idealized and then suddenly as the worse spouse ever and being blamed for wanting bad things for him for "reasons" I've never been able to understand or recognize. This has of course been really difficult to deal with because the accusations could not be further from reality.

Twelve years is a long time, if he just got diagnosed and you’re reading up in BPD I have a feeling that you didn’t know about the disorder and the experience that you were going through has a name - BPD.

Did you feel like you were alone go through an experience that at the time you couldn’t put your finger on what the problem was?

I bet that you felt worn down with the constant drama feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster yearning for a day where things will stabilize it becomes normalized to a degree doesn’t it? You go through it every day you’re partner is emotionally dysregulated or splitting or projecting and these behaviours are happening all at the same time. It makes you feel depressed and anxious - how did you feel?

You have two kids together and you filed for divorce. How old are the kids? What’s the current arrangement like, are you separated and living together or living separately?

[MeandThee29]

I found that counselling helped a lot and then also joined a local support group. Everything we've experienced here has common elements, and I found that it helped to have local friends who understood too. My long-term friends have been great, but I know several now who also had husbands with significant mental health and prescription drug issues as mine did. They go through the cycles of guilt like I do even though it's been years for them.

Give yourself time to grieve and heal. It's not a quick thing, but you will feel better in time.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Marianne-11,

Welcome to the BPD family.  I can totally relate to what you said about the diagnosis making sense, but also makes you feel sad.

Learning about BPD helped me understand a lot about my marriage and the troubles we have had.  On the other hand, it is frustrating and sad to have gone through all of these problems.

I am glad you are sharing.  I think you will find that many of us are or have walked the same path.

How are you today?

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Marianne-11, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a divorce, though it might help if you can see it as a step towards greater happiness, which is what it's all about in my view.  Concerning any tips for the transition, I suggest treating yourself with kindness and compassion.  You've been through a lot.  Now is a good time to return the focus to yourself and your needs, which you may have neglected during the BPD drama and turmoil.  Another suggestion I have is to listen to your gut feelings, which you may have ignored if you are like me.

The drama, the accusations and total and sudden mood swings are terrible and difficult to explain to anyone who has not experienced this.

We've experienced it, so feel free to ask any particular questions.

LuckyJim