Am I controlling

[Jimievs]

So it's been a difficult for me after my BPD girlfriend wanted a break, we have seen each other but obviously quite difficult as my previous post has outlind

So really it comes down to me being accused of controlling because im not happy with her going out with other men? I'm so confused, everyone seems to feel that it's a bit of a no no bit my girlfriend says it's controlling?

It's seem asthough this is the end for us

Any suggestions

Thanks

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bnonymous]

Hi Jimievs,

How do you respond when she says you're being controlling?

[Jimievs]

I respond calmly, but I feel angry like is that's what she really thinks am I really that bad and hi and ashamed by it, I feel deflated like maybe shocked, and I've now agreed to not care about it, that she right I'm in the wrong, it's me how can I have an issue with it, it's me been stupid, why should it bother me?
What choice do I have, I love her

[Jimievs]

Hurt*

[once removed]

when you say "going out with other men"... .

what are the circumstances? where do they go... .is it just the two of them? is there a past romantic history with any of them?

[Jimievs]

Well when I met her there wasn't any friends, but over there relationship, people from her past pop up, generally men, which is sometimes awkward as there becomes a period of lot of contact and it has ended up with her crossing the line, not cheating but something that isn't far off, so I think it has really tested my trust, so when I've tried to set a boundary I find it causes trouble, this time around she made contact with an old friend, has pretty much chatted for the last 2-3 weeks, and he has asked her out, for a drink which she accepted, I was uncomfortable with this, but she has now actually been out with him for an evening drinking, didn't tell me because I wouldn't agree, she has also said he was always attracted to her, I've just let it go

[Jimievs]

I've become so insecure

[once removed]

if your boundary is "no hanging out with other single men", then you exit a relationship where/when it occurs. you dont keep asking her to adhere to your perspective or rule. boundaries arent things we impose on others.

i understand that you dont wish to exit the relationship. there are other approaches, like the two of you together, discussing your perspectives in times of calm, doing a lot of listening, discussing ways the two of you can establish and build trust, where you can meet in the middle, and if not resolvable for both of you, possibly going your separate ways.

you have a fundamental disagreement with each other. the question is how you will approach it.

[Jimievs]

Thanks, we did talk earlier and I have done what you have said, i explained my view and listened to hers and did seem to have a good outcome and understanding. My difficulty is we've overcome some tough times and our life has got closer, we lived together but whenever we seem to bemoving forward and living together for a period of time, something happens and we then find ourselves living separate, and I'm then back to square one as such

[once removed]

what is her point of view?

did the two of you outline or agree on any steps going forward?

[Jimievs]

Her point of view is she should be able to to see who she likes and I should trust her. I can't really argue with that statement, I have explained why I have my feelings on the matter, but we definitely have had one of the better and more open conversations for sometime and a much more positive feel at this moment. We have outlined are living arrangements as she does usually live in the next town and doesn't drive so she feels isolated when I'm working and living with me( she doesn't work) which has definitely been a concern of mine, so as much as I'll miss that, I don't disagree it's probably will help us until we can find a better solution, so we have took some steps back but hopefully this will work for a better longterm

[once removed]

is there anything she could do that might demonstrate or build trust with you?

[Jimievs]

Well I have asked her to just be honest and open when it comes to this situation as it can make me feel like it has, which she has been honest and said it would be good for me to meet him in the future, which i feel is positive

[Jimievs]

So today feeling positive, until we speak and now I'm realising, that everything we seemed to talk about doesn't result in much, already today she has planned things for us to do, then changes her mind after a few hours, I say yeh sounds good idea, let's have a look into that, to be told later she has changed her mind, which I say no problem that's fine, I'm kinda realising I do t have a input now, I suggest something is met with quiet, so I go along with that, I suppose I'm in the grip of giving up, like im been tested to see if I'm good to my word?

[once removed]

Jimievs,

just a few days ago, the two of you were on a break/near a breakup. she is probably hesitant to dive back into things too quickly.

dont push, and try to keep things light and upbeat and fun, and things may get on steadier ground.

make sense?

[Jimievs]

Yeh completely makes sense, just definitely struggling with it, I'm not really pushing anything just waiting, and trying to be positive with everything she says but yeh struggling with the distance,the balancing act

[Jimievs]

Her family arent happy with me, because of what she's told them, she asks me if I'll pop round on Christmas but her family don't want me to stay... .How will I be able to do this without taking all the blame, if I don't go around I feel scared I'll be making statement to my girlfriend yet I I go round and say I'm sorry, am I then taking responsibility for the issue?

[once removed]

why not go, and just be your charming self?

i think that would speak for itself.

[Jimievs]

Yep, that's what I want to be able to do

[Jimievs]

So now another old friend is taking her out as well, after a good night with her and getting on track, as soon as she told me, I was ok with it, was calm she then shut down on me

[once removed]

specifically, what happened? how did she shut down on you?

[Jimievs]

Well I was telling her about the football on friday, and she can watch it at he mum's( thats where she spends Fridays) she got annoyed about missing it, then mentioned about she was meant to be meeting another old school friend a guy... .I said well it's up to you what you would prefer to do, in a calm collected manor, she the switched to silent mode, quickly said conversation is boring and hung up

[Jimievs]

She then sent me a message saying she will live her life how she wants to, no.matter what I think

I didn't question her or anything, so getting this message then kinda hit me

[Jimievs]

We have since communicated, she's said she loves me,

She's been feeling ill and likes to talk to me to help her feel better

Other thing is since we've been on this break, and back together ( she has said we are not on break anymore) she's got drunk every night, which is now become standard, I'm not really a drinker, and she seems more able to control her drinking while living with ne, yet as soon as she's on her own it's carnage drinking

[once removed]

it sounds like there may be some turmoil in her life right now, and that shes in a volatile place.

any idea whats going on?

[Jimievs]

Well she has been pretty much alcohol dependant from day one, I seem to of given her stability and it's definitely noticeable when she lives with me, but obviously when I'm not able to handle things, she reverts back to normal, she has eating disorders, and I really try and not enabler her, bit try and create some routine in her life which is definitely a battle

She has said therepy has made her realise she wants friends, which is what is good for people and I think this is why she may have seeked out old friends and a freedom to live her life as she chooses, which I can't argue with but makes the dynamics of our relationship very different and she doesn't seem to understand this

Her previous partner was a much lower older man, I think 40 years older, and he passed away while we have been together, his birthday would of been last week, she told me yesterday, so I guess this would explain alot

[Jimievs]

Think some of my wording maybe confusing reading it back

[once removed]

She has said therepy has made her realise she wants friends

do you know if she drinks with any of these friends?

so the two of you lived together... .why dont you anymore?