How to manifest a miracle?

[freespirit]

Hello bpdfamily 

This post is a continuation of my recent crisis thread, here is the link for anyone following my progress. Thank you   How To Accept Devastating loss?

I attended my first of 3 assessment appointments for diagnosis of C-ptsd yesterday. I have not seen a psychiatrist yet, that happens on the 3rd appointment apparently. I found it very triggering to be honest. I don't fit the usual mode of someone going through the mental health system for the first time, and she blatantly didn't know what to make of me.

She admitted that she has never dealt with anyone like me before with so much knowledge base of C-ptsd before diagnosis (I brought the Pete Walker book with me and told her about bpdfamily). She made a joke about sitting back and letting me educate her, but it felt passive aggressive to me, the energy did not match the words, and I am not sure she liked it.

Amongst a few other other things she called me a "women of mystery" (because she couldn't figure me out quickly enough) and said she found me very measured and cagy.  cagy!   - I told her you learn to choose your words very wisely when dealing with npd/BPD.

She also told me that she would not refer me for therapy whilst I was on Universal Credit, because of the lack of safety/stability it causes for peoples mental health, due to the threat of homelessness, hunger and extreme poverty it causes.

She told me it was important for me to find a way to somehow financially improve my circumstances, to find a safe/stable place to live, whilst I was on the sick and getting therapy for my C-ptsd.

By the time I got home I knew I was in serous flashback, but didn't know what was feeding it. I cried for most of the day and gradually unpacked it. Turns out I have some life or death traumas from childhood that I have yet to deal with around safety, security and survival.

I grew up in poverty, and poverty, trauma, and survival go hand in hand for me. One flashback I had was to when I was 3/4 years old in Northern Ireland. My father was a protestant and my mother was a catholic, so it was a mixed marriage, we lived in a catholic area. My father was "left for dead" in the streets and the whole family had to run for our lives and go into hiding. This was around the time of the 1972 Bloody Sunday Massacre.

My father joined us a secret location and lost the plot basically. He stood before us all in the caravan and said, that if he had to die, then we all had to die. He then proceeded to lock the doors and windows, threw the key out the window and turned on the gas.

All I remember next is a lot of screaming, from me and everyone else. Some one jumping on my farther to stop him lighting the match, and my sister trying to fit through the tiny window to get out to try to find the key in the dark, to let us all out.

This is bringing up being dependent on people for survival who didn't love me.

This is the situation I find myself in with the universal credit and my current financial and living situation. My XH is still here living me, thank God he is being a decent human being about it, and has agreed to stay in the family home until the spring, so I can get my diagnosis and therapy. This is far from ideal and feels very dis-empowering for me on so many levels, but I am grateful to not be homeless or hungry today.

[Kwamina]

Hi freespirit

She admitted that she has never dealt with anyone like me before with so much knowledge base of C-ptsd before diagnosis (I brought the Pete Walker book with me and told her about bpdfamily). She made a joke about sitting back and letting me educate her, but it felt passive aggressive to me, the energy did not match the words, and I am not sure she liked it.

Amongst a few other other things she called me a "women of mystery" (because she couldn't figure me out quickly enough) and said she found me very measured and cagy.   cagy!  

This may say more about her than it does about you. Also therapists can have issues (and attitude) and perhaps she herself felt triggered for whatever reason. Let's see how your next appointments go.

I am sorry this first appointment triggered this powerful emotional flashback in you  It is good though that you were able to realize what was going on and also identify the past events related to this flashback.

These past experiences you describe from your childhood are very scary indeed and I can totally see how these events would traumatize you. Do you think about these particular past experiences often? How did you/your family deal with what happened at the time? Were these things discussed afterwards or did no one talk about them?

You ask 'How to manifest a miracle?'... .The Parrot's answer: 'By believing in the possibility of miracles happening and working very hard to make that possibility a reality'. To quote our favorite panda (panda39): "You gotta keep on truckin'!"

[freespirit]

  Kwamina

You asked - "Do you think about these particular past experiences often?"
The answer to this is no, I didn't think about this experience hardly before today.

Your question led me to an Insight - My first memory of my farther was of him trying to blow me, and my family up. This explains why I have been so afraid of being in romantic/love relationships my whole life.This also explains why I have been obsessed with trying to "Save" my family.

This was why I didn't want to go any where near the core of my C-ptsd, because this was waiting, a life or death issue had to be worked out. That's why I had to be taken to the place I did, to accept my story.

[Harri]

Hi freespirit.   

That is a pretty significant memory and quite powerful and disturbing.  While I am not glad it happened or glad that you are now dealing with the all that remembering entails, I am very glad that it is no longer buried or not thought about.  I am also glad that you reached out here to us. 

Your experience with your intake counselor sounds frustrating to say the least.  I agree with Parrot that it says more about her than you.  It reminded me of some experiences I've had with physicians I first meet.  I have a complicated medical history and a rare disease and I know more than they do about my health, the complications and my history.  I can tell which docs are for me just by how they talk with me.  The ones who get defensive and snarky like your intake person did are too insecure and may be new to their position.  Don't waste my time is what kept running thru my head.  Regardless, don't let this one get to you.  Chances are you won't be seeing her for therapy.  Even if she has been doing this for decades, she is not very good with people so you know how to deal with her next time right?

Keep working on this and reaching out.  i am glad you are safe and your ex is being helpful.  That must be a huge relief.

She also told me that she would not refer me for therapy whilst I was on Universal Credit, because of the lack of safety/stability it causes for peoples mental health, due to the threat of homelessness, hunger and extreme poverty it causes.

This is so strange to me.  I would think this is the exact time that more resources should open up to people in your position.  Unfortunatly, I think this is happening in a lot of places.  It happens in the states and it is a disgrace.  It is shocking to me that it is happening in the National Health Service though I have read up on the issue with universal credit after reading your first thread here.

hang in there.  Keep reaching out so we can support you.

[freespirit]

You ask 'How to manifest a miracle?'... .
The Parrot's answer:
'By believing in the possibility of miracles happening and working very hard to make that possibility a reality'.
To quote our favorite panda (panda39): "You gotta keep on truckin'!"

Thankyou Parrot, and panda39     

Harri you said -

That is a pretty significant memory and quite powerful and disturbing.  While I am not glad it happened or glad that you are now dealing with the all that remembering entails, I am very glad that it is no longer buried or not thought about.  I am also glad that you reached out here to us.

This is so beautiful, thank you so much for this Harri 

You said "  Even if she has been doing this for decades, she is not very good with people so you know how to deal with her next time right?"

Yes, it has focused me, and made me even more determined. Next time, I am going in with the Pete Walker book, 2 laminated A4's of the 13 steps, the 14 Inner Critic attacks, and notes from my threads here, with you guys.  

[freespirit]

I have just got back from my final assessment appointment with my psychiatrist, and it could not have gone any better. I have my diagnosis!   

Because I am already so far along the recovery path, he has suggested CAT therapy, rather than trauma therapy to work on my fear of relationships and intimacy that occurred as a direct result of the trauma.

I feel like this diagnosis process has been one of the most important pieces of self-love recovery work I have ever done. It feels like a miracle to me! Thank you bpdfamily for the part you have played in this   

[Harri]

I am very happy that your session went well and that you now have a diagnosis!  That is excellent news.

I looked up CAT therapy.  It sounds interesting.  I hope you will keep us posted and continue to add your voice here as well.

When do you start?

PS, when I searched cat therapy, I got a lot of links to therapy with actual cats... .  I used to be afraid my T would recommend therapy animals, specifically a therapy chihuahua for me... .heck no!

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the update and great to hear things went so well  

Because I am already so far along the recovery path, he has suggested CAT therapy

Yes, CAT Therapy makes purrfect sense to me since you are Cosmic The Cat after all

[freespirit]

I am very happy that your session went well and that you now have a diagnosis!  That is excellent news.

I looked up CAT therapy.  It sounds interesting.  I hope you will keep us posted and continue to add your voice here as well.

When do you start?

PS, when I searched cat therapy, I got a lot of links to therapy with actual cats... .  I used to be afraid my T would recommend therapy animals, specifically a therapy chihuahua for me... .heck no!

Thank you Harri, Yes, CAT therapy was quite the coincidence, I had to look it up too     

[freespirit]

Yes, CAT Therapy makes purrfect sense to me since you are Cosmic The Cat after all

Exactly, CRB  

[Harri]

How are you doing freespirit?  I am wondering because I had a delayed reaction to my diagnosis of PTSD, and that was the second time I was told. 

Check in with us and let us know how you are please... .but only if you want to.   

[freespirit]

How are you doing freespirit?  I am wondering because I had a delayed reaction to my diagnosis of PTSD, and that was the second time I was told. 

Check in with us and let us know how you are please... .but only if you want to.   

Thank you so much Harri, I really appreciate your care and thoughtfulness. 

I think I had a trauma reaction to it of "I have to save the world" (flashback to my farther trying to blow me and family up in the caravan incident) which was followed the next day by a mini nervous breakdown where I got in contact with just how bad things have been for me for the first time, and I grieved like never before.

The full diagnosis is c-ptsd with borderline traits, because I have a fear of intimate relationships and because in my teens and twenties I had a history of DHS, attempted suicide, anorexia, bulimia, substance misuse.

Its been very hard, but It's got me to right place, the place I clearly need to be to finally emotionally accept that I have been extremely traumatized by what happened to me and that I am probably going to be working on this for the rest of my life.

[Kwamina]

Hi freespirit

Though you were hoping to get diagnosed so you could get the help you need, I can imagene that it in a way is still quite confronting seeing it formally documented like this. How does this full diagnosis make you feel now a few days have passed and you've had time to reflect on it some more?

I am very sorry your experiences have left you so traumatized

You also dealt with some serious issues during your teens and twenties. Do you feel like you've been able to overcome those particular issues or at least are able to manage them better now?

Healing from trauma like you experienced is often indeed a process that takes considerable time and patience.

When will your CAT therapy start?

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Its been very hard, but It's got me to right place, the place I clearly need to be to finally emotionally accept that I have been extremely traumatized by what happened to me and that I am probably going to be working on this for the rest of my life.

This is a lot to take in.  I mean we know but now we *know*. 

Keep reaching and pushing (just a bit though) and please keep sharing.

 

[freespirit]

Hi freespirit

Though you were hoping to get diagnosed so you could get the help you need, I can imagene that it in a way is still quite confronting seeing it formally documented like this. How does this full diagnosis make you feel now a few days have passed and you've had time to reflect on it some more?

I am very sorry your experiences have left you so traumatized

You also dealt with some serious issues during your teens and twenties. Do you feel like you've been able to overcome those particular issues or at least are able to manage them better now?

Healing from trauma like you experienced is often indeed a process that takes considerable time and patience.

When will your CAT therapy start?

The Board Parrot

Hi Kwamina, yes it was quite confronting seeing it formally documented like that, but also absolutely necessary to get me to this point in my recovery, and for this I am truly grateful. With every day that passes I feel more at home in myself and my life is making so much more sense. #Gratitude 

I overcame the issues I had in my teens and twenties a very long time ago. #IHaveDoneAlotOfWorkAlready 

I have not had an appointment letter yet, but I imagine my CAT therapy will start in the new year. 

 

[Harri]

This thread has been split and locked.

Part two can be found here: *uncovered sexual trauma while working with a healer