uncovered sexual trauma while working with a healer

[freespirit]

Hi bpdfamily  

I had a session with a gifted healer and body worker last night. He read this thread at the beginning of the session and together we uncovered my felt bodily sense of the caravan incident.

It was shocking to finally, and for the first time, feel my fathers murderous intent in my body; to actually locate where I felt the trauma energy of it in my body, and to feel the feelings of it. It literally knocked me off my feet during the session.

Whilst working with this flashback, we also uncovered sexual trauma energy with my father, located in the small of my back in my sacral area. The description of the resonance immediately put me into somatic flashback, and I remembered that was how I had felt about my farther my whole life, but never had the words to describe it. This was another reason why I was so afraid of him, and intimate relationships.

I always considered myself one of the lucky ones to not have experienced sexual abuse, so its rather shocking to uncover this, but also makes sense. I would appreciate advise on how to handle any flashbacks of sexual abuse, if they start occurring.

As difficult as this is, I know this remembering is a miracle, and that if I use it will eventually lead to my ultimate healing. #Gratitude  

Thank you  

[Harri]

Hi freespirit.    

As hard as it is, I am glad you are working though your trauma issues.   What you describe may be associated with overt sexual abuse or it may be associated with sexualized behaviors from your father.   I can relate to not knowing but knowing something is there.  It happened with my dad.  I wasn't sure, couldn't remember but something was there.  The harder I tried to figure it out the more murky things became.  So just let it happen.  It is time to work on acceptance.  Not as a way to avoid or minimize but as a way to calm yourself and stay centered. 

I always considered myself one of the lucky ones to not have experienced sexual abuse, so its rather shocking to uncover this, but also makes sense. I would appreciate advise on how to handle any flashbacks of sexual abuse, if they start occurring.

As scary and as upsetting as they are, you handle them just like any other.  Recognize what is happening, remind yourself that you are no longer a powerless child and that what happened is in the past and can never happen again.  Remind yourself that you are an adult now and can protect yourself.  Uncovering this stuff is ultimately good and important and that you are remembering means you are strong enough and you will be able to handle it.

Something I found myself doing was getting more upset because of the nature of the flashback (I did experience overt sexual abuse from my mother for years).  I had other flashbacks but when they involved the sexual abuse I became more agitated and upset, having a stronger reaction just because of the topic.  It was as if I had sexual abuse on a pedestal of sorts (can't find the words) where it was so much bigger and so much worse than anything else I experienced.  In some ways it was, but not all ways.  By looking at it as this *big* thing, I made things harder for myself.   It is hard, but how we frame things and how we talk about it and organize our thoughts around the experience will help if done so in a constructive and empowering way.

I worked on looking at it as no better and no worse than any other type of abuse.  Sexual abuse may cause damage in other areas with some specific behaviors, but it was not some huge thing that could not be managed.  Does that make sense?

Having said all that, definitely talk with your therapist about what I said.  You get to choose your process.  You even get to choose how you label your experiences.  That in itself is empowering.  Take that and use it to strengthen yourself.      You have choice.  You have abilities and ways to manage now that you did not have back then.  You also have support.  We get it here.  Come to us and talk.    

[freespirit]

Thank you for your reply Harri

Sharing an Insight - My father died when I was 15 years old. He was ill for a few years before that. If overt sexual abuse did occur, I will have been a very young child when it did.

Repressed Memory flashback - I used to share the bedroom, and sometimes the bed with my mother and father until I was about 7 years old. That's when it will have happened. So this means that my mother was quite possibly in on it.

[Harri]

It is possible unfortunately though at this point there is no telling for sure. 

It is important that we don't push or reach too much for connections and sometimes our feelings can steer us wrong.

Just breathe.  How are you doing after remembering the sleeping arrangements?

[freespirit]

Repressed Memory flashback - I am remembering that I used to black out a lot as a young child, up to about age 11. I would experience intense overwhelm and pain in my head and throw up. They (a family member) would find me unconscious somewhere around the house, on the stairs or outside in the garden where I had been playing. I was extremely light sensitive and had to be in a darkened room, my father worked night shifts, so he had a black-out blind - I was placed right back in the bed where the trauma took place.

[freespirit]

I drove to a local waterfall tonight and stood in the dark listening to its gloriously thunderous roars. All of a sudden under the anonymity of the waterfalls full force flow I began to scream, and I screamed louder and longer than I have ever screamed before in my life.

I felt the energies directly in my body and I spoke to my farther in my mind. I told him that I was sovereign of myself and that he no longer had dominion over me, and to get completely out of my energy field.

I told him that I refused to be frozen in time any longer, unable to remember, that I would remember it all, and over come it all. I said to him - I am River, I flow. (I changed my name by legal deed-poll)

I also called him a few very well chosen and actuate words that I cant use here without using this >  

Immediately I felt a huge energetic drop out, it was such a deeply shamanic experience. God bless the sacred waters of the world. Thank you for my healing #Gratitude 

[Harri]

I'm here and I am listening.

[freespirit]

I'm here and I am listening.

Thank you so much Harri      

I just can't bring myself to feel bad about this, I have done enough of that already, its time to celebrate.   

Mary Mary - Shackles (Praise You)
Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just want to praise you
(What ya want to do?)
I just want to praise you
(Yeah, yeah)
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
(Uh feel me?)
And I'm gonna praise you
(What ya gon do?)
I'm gonna praise you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1L2lToMlB4

 

[freespirit]

I am remembering. It's all coming back. 

“The path isn't a straight line; it's a spiral. You continually come back to things you thought you understood and see deeper truths.”
-  Barry H. Gillespie.

Thank you for walking with me last night Harri, your presence in my life blesses me 

[freespirit]

The trauma didn't happen to the adult that I am, it happened to the child that I was.

My adult self was never going to remember until I gave my child self or inner child, the permission to tell me her secrets.

I have to be an adult here, and become what Pete Walker calls an unflinching source of kindness and self-compassion for myself (for the child that I was).

Tell me it all child I was, I got your back Inner Child. I love you  

[freespirit]

Harri you said -

As scary and as upsetting as they are, you handle them just like any other.  Recognize what is happening, remind yourself that you are no longer a powerless child and that what happened is in the past and can never happen again.  Remind yourself that you are an adult now and can protect yourself.  Uncovering this stuff is ultimately good and important and that you are remembering means you are strong enough and you will be able to handle it.

Something I found myself doing was getting more upset because of the nature of the flashback (I did experience overt sexual abuse from my mother for years).  I had other flashbacks but when they involved the sexual abuse I became more agitated and upset, having a stronger reaction just because of the topic.  It was as if I had sexual abuse on a pedestal of sorts (can't find the words) where it was so much bigger and so much worse than anything else I experienced.  In some ways it was, but not all ways.  By looking at it as this *big* thing, I made things harder for myself.   It is hard, but how we frame things and how we talk about it and organize our thoughts around the experience will help if done so in a constructive and empowering way.

I worked on looking at it as no better and no worse than any other type of abuse.  Sexual abuse may cause damage in other areas with some specific behaviors, but it was not some huge thing that could not be managed.  Does that make sense?

Having said all that, definitely talk with your therapist about what I said.  You get to choose your process.  You even get to choose how you label your experiences.  That in itself is empowering.  Take that and use it to strengthen yourself.    Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  You have choice.  You have abilities and ways to manage now that you did not have back then.  You also have support.  We get it here.  Come to us and talk.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  With affection (click to insert in post)

Thank you for the advise on handling the flashbacks, the repressed memories are coming back fast today, its an almost constant stream of remembering. I am joining a lot of very shocking dots very quickly.

Your advise to remember to breath through it is very helpful. 

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, I am so sorry that this happened to you  

Thank you for reminding me of the importance of the meaning I give to this remembering experience, and how I frame it. #SelfEmpowerment 

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
- Carl Gustav Jung.

[Harri]

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
- Carl Gustav Jung.

Exactly.  (haha, I make it sound like I said it!    )

Yes.  Just take it slow if you can.  Some pieces may not fit and that's okay. 

[freespirit]

It's like I am remembering my whole life... .

Yesterday, I remembered that the abuse started  when I was pre-verbal. (that could could have took me down, but I remembered to breath through it, like you suggested Harri and it helped a great deal, so did framing it in empowering terms. I used it to go further, and reach higher than ever before through using the practice of gratitude. #Thankyou  

The gifted healer and body worker than I am working in this thread with said - "Oh my goodness you are doing so good. It's almost like you are uncovering something you have already processed and released"

I agree, I said to him - "They are the exact words and feelings I had myself this afternoon about it all. This is where the work I have already been doing behind the scenes every day for the past year purging trauma with you, Via a pre-recorded mediation) is paying off I think."

Nothing is wasted #ThankYouGod

Repressed Memory Flashback -

My sister was sexually assaulted by a neighbor in Northern Ireland during The Troubles . This came out right after he died, he was a suicide bomber and he got a public hero burial. When it came out that he had sexually assaulted a child my parents were visited by a political party offering compensation by way of offering to exhume him from the hero's grave under cover of night, and put him in an unmarked paupers grave. My parents said yes, so that's what they did.

The really   up part is, the whole time they were abusing me.

[Harri]

It's like I am remembering my whole life... .

This made me catch my breath.  Is it a matter of you remembering new details and those details are changing your whole perspective?

The really  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks  up part is, the whole time they were abusing me.

This is totally  up.  My dad would see things on TV or read a newspaper story and actually cry and swear about what was going on in other peoples lives... .never mind what he allowed to happen and watched happen with me and my mom.  I would get that tight burning in the back of my throat not really understanding why then but it hurt.  Now I mostly laugh, but not in a funny haha way.

Are these memories you had but they were distant and now that you remember the sexual abuse you they are more prominent and have new meaning?  I am asking because with me, it was not so much new memories but stuff I knew but did not have context for and no understanding of why they were significant.  I'm just trying to relate here so please forgive me if I am way off.

How are you doing?

[freespirit]

Good morning, Harri  

You said - "Is it a matter of you remembering new details and those details are changing your whole perspective?"

Not so much remembering new details.

"Are these memories you had but they were distant and now that you remember the sexual abuse you they are more prominent and have new meaning?  I am asking because with me, it was not so much new memories but stuff I knew but did not have context for and no understanding of why they were significant.  I'm just trying to relate here so please forgive me if I am way off."

Thank you for sharing your experience with me.  I am so sorry this happened to you    Yes, this is exactly how it is for me too.  

I am doing okay, I have been receiving incredible love and support, thank you bpdfamily  

[freespirit]

I am remembering that sexual abuse was not the only kind of abuse that went on in the bedroom.

I slept in a large cot with high sides next to their bed until I was about 7 years old. I had difficulty with my right leg and hip turning in slightly when I walked.

They decided to cure me themselves by attaching a board to the bottom of my cot with a pair of baseball boots nail to it in the position they wanted my feet to point when I walked.

Every night they put me on my back and strapped me into these baseball boots. Some nights I would turn in my sleep and one leg would get loose and take the boot and nails with it.

I would wake up to my farther shouting to my mother, "the little  has done it again!" The next night they would strap my arms as well as my legs to the sides of the cot so I couldn't move at all.

[Kwamina]

Hi again freespirit,

The memories are coming back fast now. I am very sorry your parents did these things to you. Taking time to breathe as Harri aka boss beagle says is indeed important as you are processing some pretty intense and traumatic experiences.

They decided to cure me themselves by attaching a board to the bottom of my cot with a pair of baseball boots nail to it in the position they wanted my feet to point when I walked.

Every night they put me on my back and strapped me into these baseball boots.

How did it make you feel as a child that they made you sleep this way?

I would wake up to my farther shouting to my mother, "the little   has done it again!" The next night they would strap my arms as well as my legs to the sides of the cot so I couldn't move at all.

I can imagine that it would be quite an unpleasant and scary experience for you to wake up to your father shouting like that and to be totally strapped to the bed so you couldn't move at all. Do you feel like these particular experiences have impacted you in certain ways that still affect you now? How would you describe your current sleeping patterns, are you able to sleep well nowadays?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[freespirit]

Hi again freespirit,

The memories are coming back fast now. I am very sorry your parents did these things to you. Taking time to breathe as Harri aka boss beagle says is indeed important as you are processing some pretty intense and traumatic experiences.

How did it make you feel as a child that they made you sleep this way?

I can imagine that it would be quite an unpleasant and scary experience for you to wake up to your father shouting like that and to be totally strapped to the bed so you couldn't move at all. Do you feel like these particular experiences have impacted you in certain ways that still affect you now? How would you describe your current sleeping patterns, are you able to sleep well nowadays?

Take care

The Board Parrot

  Kwamina, Down by the water fall the other night whilst remembering, I had a vision of a very young child starving starving to death, it was me as my toddler self. Yesterday I had this awful dirty feeling in my whole body, centering round my solar plexus (point of personal power), I felt "Fat" with it and it reminded me of how I used to feel in my body all the time in my teens and twenties with the anorexia/bulimia; like I was trying to get something out of me, to purge the "dirty" feeling out of myself, but I didn't know what it was, or how to do it in a healthy way. I realize now this was the sexual abuse I was trying to purge that has stopped me from nurturing, nourishing and loving myself.

The weird thing is I have always "known" and felt like I have been sexually abused but never had any memory until now.

I remember in my teen's my mother saying (about my sisters little boy) that a particular situation he had gone through didn't matter because he was so young that he wouldn't remember. I remember being shocked at the time. I think that's what they thought regarding their abuse of me, and why it ended as soon as I started showing sign's of puberty (somewhere between the ages of 7 and 9). They thought I would never remember.

"How did it make you feel as a child that they made you sleep this way?"

I felt lost and alone and very unsafe. He would threaten me with violence if I turned over in my sleep and pulled a boot out. I would cry and beg for him to not strap my arms to the cot as well as my legs, and sometimes he would say okay, but that if he woke up and a boot was loose, that he would hit me.

I would agree, but I would fall asleep scared that I had no control over turning over in my sleep, or pulling a boot out. It made me feel like I had no control over keeping myself safe in my life.

Regarding my sleep, I had a lot of nightmares as a young child and adolescent, the nightmares have decreased in alignment with the amount of inner work I have already done.

Thank you for being here  

[freespirit]

Flashback: I remember being quite young and my father taking his belt to me because I was lured by the next door neighbor into his house. I found out as a teenager that they suspected the neighbor of being a pedophile, and that they had hit me to make me "learn my lesson" to keep me "safe".

[freespirit]

It's been a heavy day of remembering. I feel angry today. Not a violent kind of anger, not an anger projected at anyone else, an inner strength kind of anger.

I wasn't sure if it would happen, but today I remembered his hands on me. At the top of my stomach where the belly meets the lungs. The same place I have had the awful dirty feeling.

This was why I couldn't cope with any excess weight in that area and felt the need to purge it.

[Kwamina]

I wasn't sure if it would happen, but today I remembered his hands on me. At the top of my stomach where the belly meets the lungs. The same place I have had the awful dirty feeling.

This is a very significant and difficult thing to remember. You are dealing with so much right now  When will you be seeing your therapist again?

It's been a heavy day of remembering. I feel angry today. Not a violent kind of anger, not an anger projected at anyone else, an inner strength kind of anger.

Yes, to quote our friend Pete Walker again:

"Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.

Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection."

We are here for you

The Board Parrot

[freespirit]

Don't you worry about me CRB I have been doing this work on my own for a very long time (15 years in May). I am stronger than I have ever been in my entire life right now. This remembering is like getting shot with a bullet, but instead of killing me, its making me stronger.

I am grateful for this opportunity to remember, its setting me free.

Therapy starts in Jan 

[freespirit]

I took this picture of myself on my walk a few summers ago, it feels empowering to remember it today

"Emotional battles are won or lost based on belief; what you believe about yourself becomes your reality. As the saying goes "whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." If we believe that we have no control over our emotions or fears, then we've already lost. When we no longer give permission to anyone else to decide how we feel, then we are standing up for ourselves and our battles are no longer fought with our self, but FOR our self.

What we have to understand is that the beliefs of others are just illusions, they're not real, they are creations of their own subconscious mind; to be afraid of what other people believe or think about you is like being afraid of ghosts. It is your job to be responsible for creating your own reality, your own belief system based on your own truths and not the expectations of anyone else.

Instead of believing that you are weak and afraid, *choose* to believe that there is the heart of a warrior in you that never gives up, never gives in, never backs down and ALWAYS gets back up. You get to choose who you are, no one else gets to have that power but you. You are who YOU say you are - and when you feel bruised and battered, rise and say to yourself "I am not yet done here, I will not give up or give in. I don't quit, I get stronger."

-Joel Clemons.

#ThePhoenixKnows be exactly who the   you are #AdultChild  

[freespirit]

So the cot situation - This is where my body shame and body dysmorphia has been coming from. The message I got from being strapped into those baseball boots every night, was that I was not okay as I was, that I was defective, that I was less than, that I was not enough, and that there was nothing I could do about it.

Disgusting isn't it, the way dysfunction lies to us, and we believe it.

  that 

I Am Enough!

 

[freespirit]

Thank you for splitting the thread Harri, you guys are so cool  

Never in my life did I think I would the owner of a thread on childhood sexual abuse. This forgetting and remembering is a strange thing.

This knowing, but not *knowing*, very strange indeed.

Tonight I am going to work my way through Survivor to thriver program, the remembering section. I am starting to get in contact with my anger.

This is a good thing.  

[Harri]

 

I am glad you are working things through freespirit.  It is not easy work but you are doing it. 

Never in my life did I think I would the owner of a thread on childhood sexual abuse. This forgetting and remembering is a strange thing.

Seeing it in writing is startling isn't it? 

Anger can be good and empowering too as long as we don't turn it inward or direct it towards innocent people (which i am sure you will not do   ) 

[freespirit]

"ANGERING

Definition: Angering is the expression of one’s feelings of resentment of and rage over the trauma inflicted by an abuser in a way that does not hurt either the survivor or anyone else.

Description: Angering is a one of four “processes of grieving” (angering, crying, verbal ventilation and feeling) described by Pete Walker in his book “CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” (2013, pp. 222 to 225).  It involves expression of one’s deeply held feelings of hurt, anger and even rage over the abuse or neglect at the hands of the perpetrator. It is important to point out that angering is not directed at the person who inflicted the trauma, but against the internalized version which in CPTSD commonly takes the form of a virulent and vicious Inner Critic (ICr).

What It Feels Like:

Angering pushes the shame and blame back onto the ICr (internalized perpetrator of the abuse or neglect) where it belongs. In this way it defuels the ICr and helps the flame of self-protective capacities which were arrested in childhood or suspended in adulthood to ignite.  It fuels instead self-care, compassion and confidence in ourselves that we can as adults be angry without taking a toll on our inner landscape  by not turning shame and blame against ourselves, but outwardly when an occasion calls for healthy anger.   

What Not to Do
•   Do not direct your anger against the real life perpetrator of your abuse/neglect.  This can be risky physically and emotionally, and in recovery it is the internalized version of the abuser that we need to stand up to and defuel – the ICr.  Do not let compassion stop you. If you over-identify with the perpetrators of your abuse/neglect, and/or if you pity them, you might shrink from feeling any anger towards them. Remind yourself that you aren't being angry at who they truly are throughout their lives. You're angry at who they were during your abuse. You're angry at one aspect of them. You're angry at the parts of their abuse that still lives on within you - the negative messages they sent you, and the memory of how they treated you.
•   Do not let your ICr convince you that you are self-centred or bad for being angry.
•   Do not let others convince you that you need to forget about the past and just move on.

What to Do
•   If possible, first practice angering in a therapeutic setting where you will have professional support and guidance for the process.
•   If your CPTSD developed as a result of childhood abuse or neglect, remind yourself that although you were not allowed to be angry or express negative emotions when you were a child, you are an adult now and it is safe and healthy to do so.
•   Direct your angering at the internalized version of your perpetrator - the Inner and Outer Critic.
•   If angering triggers an emotional flashback, soothe yourself with whatever techniques are helpful (e.g., “13 Steps to Managing Emotional Flashbacks”), and remind yourself that the flashback is a message from your Inner Child (IC) that there is work to be done.

Source and Resources:

•   “Shrinking the Inner Critic”  by Pete Walker
•   “13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks” by Pete Walker
•   “The Importance of Recovering the Feeling Nature” by Pete Walker"

- Out Of The Storm.

[freespirit]

Using Anger To Thought-Stop the Critic.

"Thought-stopping is the process of using willpower to dis-identify from and interrupt toxic thoughts and visualizations. Sometimes visualizing a stop sign at the same time can help strengthen thought-stopping.

Since traumatizing parents cripple the instinctive fight response of their child, recovering the anger of the fight response is essential in healing Cptsd. We need the aid of our fight response to empower the process of thought-stopping the critic.

I cannot over-encourage you to use your anger to stop the critic in its tracks. We can re-hijack the anger of the critics attacks and forcefully redirect it at the critic instead of ourselves. We can then silently and internally say "No!" or Stop!" or "Shut Up!" to short-circuit drasticizing and perfectionist mental processes.

Angrily say "No!" to the critic sets an internal boundary against unnatural, anti-self processes. It is the hammer of self-renovating carpentry that rebuilds our instinct of self-protection. Furthermore recovery is deepened by directing our anger at any-one who helped install the critic, as well as anyone who is currently contributing to keeping it alive."

From Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker, find Pete Walker pete-walker.com

[freespirit]

'Positive characteristics of the FIGHT response include
assertiveness, boundaries, courage, moxie and leadership.

Positive characteristics of the FLIGHT response include
disengagement, healthy retreat, industriousness, know-how, and perseverance.

Positive characteristics of the FREEZE response include
acute awareness, mindfulness, poised readiness, peace, and presence.

Positive characteristics of the FAWN response include
love & service, compromise, listening, fairness, and peacemaking.'

- Pete Walker.

[freespirit]

I am having the felt sense experience of how important angering and grieving is to boundary setting. #Gratitude

I can see its a process we have to go through, the recovery process can't all be done in our minds. That's just part of it. Recovery is three fold, mind, body and spirit.