I'm thinking of removing my mother's friend from my social media

[BlackArmoire]

Recently, I completed one of my professional life goals.  It wasn't easy for many reasons, mostly due to confronting my own fears.  I wrote about it briefly on social media (SM).  The flying monkey (FM), a close friend of my mother's, began to denigrate it in subtle ways, i.e., making light of the fact that I was worried that things would go wrong up until I did it (and they almost did).  Unfortunately, I played into FM's drama, in that I tried to defend myself by mentioning a couple individuals who almost derailed the process.  Upon later reflection, I regretted doing so and deleted the comment.  At the risk of justifying it, I said it purely out of shock from FM's out-of-the-blue nasty comments and wasn't thinking it through.  But again, I realize that it wasn't smart.  Nonetheless, she blasted me publicly by saying that I had no self-awareness, that I was "hurting [the individuals'] feelings," that I was "insensitive," and had a history of essentially trashing others on SM, the latter of which is not at all true.  Mind, I had had an argument with uBPDm earlier in the day, who accused me of those very same things.  While I fundamentally believe everyone has a right to say what they want, I decided to remove and block FM, as I felt that any continued exchange or access to my SM would escalate.  She has done this before, which has already led me to limit her access.  

To be honest, I had been thinking of removing her for a while and have actively been limiting my in-person contact with her.  Over the years, she and my mother have fed off each other.  As a child, if I ever questioned uBPDm, she'd enlist the flying monkey into bullying me for her. If FM came to visit, they acted like a teen girl clique, with me as their favorite target, though there were also others.  FM also has issues independent of uBPDm, ranging from substance abuse to obsessive behavior.

How does one deal with this?  My concern is that I can be impulsive, so I want to make wise decisions and recognize problems instead of making things worse.

Thanks in advance.      

[Notwendy]

I have a cordial, but not close relationship with my BPD mom. I basically don't tell her very personal things as she generally doesn't keep them confidential and I don't trust her to. I also don't discuss emotional topics with her to avoid drama.

I have similar relationships with her "FM's"  - in a nutshell- they are enmeshed with her and in that way, they function as the same person. In addition, she has painted me black to them- sometimes telling them not to speak to me, and sometimes deciding it is OK.

Personally, I also don't discuss things that I don't want being made too public on social media as I don't know where those discussions would go. I also think things can be interpreted unintentionally on SM.

With your mother's friend, I would treat her as if they were the same person when deciding what to discuss with her. They are not the same person but since they are enmeshed, then consider them as the same when you communicate with them.

[Kwamina]

Hi BlackArmoire

Congrats on completing one of your professional life goals

Sorry though that you also found yourself involved in some drama on social media. I think it is indeed wise not to respond to messages/posts like the one from your mother's friend or at least to take some time to think things over before you decide to respond. Also considering your previous experiences, I think it probably was a good move to remove and block her.

We have some tools here that can help you better cope with false accusations and hostile communications:

Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

Keep it BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm

Were you already familiar with these techniques?

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi. 

Let me too say congrats on achieving a life goal!   

Kwamina (or Parrot as he is known) gave some great links that i think will be helpful.  Let us know what you think.

I agree with Notwendy that you should treat your mom and her friend as if they are the same.  For your purposes they are really.

Let us know how things work out.

[BlackArmoire]

Hello again,

Thanks for the links, though the point of the post was not that I was "thinking of removing her from social media," as I had in fact done so, as stated in my original post, but how to deal with the inevitable fallout. 

Thanks again. 

[Harri]

What sort of fallout are you anticipating?  That they will say something directly to you or say things behind your back or something else?

Lets talk about that and see what sort of suggestions we can offer.

[BlackArmoire]

What sort of fallout are you anticipating?  That they will say something directly to you or say things behind your back or something else?

Right after I blocked her, I tried to have her email sent directly to trash, as I knew that she'd try to re-engage and I didn't want to read any response. Unfortunately, the block on my email didn't work, as I received a couple abusive messages from her, one of which was a borderline racial slur.  (Nice friend that my uBPDm keeps, eh?) 

No doubt that she'll try to slander me publicly, though she really can't do much in that regard.  But she does have a history of violent tendencies and stalking, which does concern me. I know -- call the police -- but in my locale, they do not take those types of complaints seriously. 

[Harri]

I would be nervous too given her tendency towards violence and stalking.   Do you have friends who are aware of the situation?  People to check in with to make sure you are okay?  I'm not trying to scare you I am just thinking of what made me feel better when I had a very aggressive roommate who had violent tendencies not too long ago.

I know it does not make it okay, but if she does talk about you I would think most people would see through her and understand she has issues.    She sounds like a real piece of work. 

I think blocking her was a good choice though it can be seen as hostile.  I am not sure what a less aggressive alternative would be though.  I must admit that I only ever did facebook and I stopped that a few years back only checking it occasionally to see what a couple of friends are up to so I don't have much advice there. 

It is frustrating for me when I think this is happening around a time when you should be able to celebrate and enjoy your success in reaching a goal.  I can only imagine how it must feel for you.   

[BlackArmoire]

Harri,

I would be nervous too given her tendency towards violence and stalking.   Do you have friends who are aware of the situation?  People to check in with to make sure you are okay?

Thankfully, she lives halfway across the country from me. TBH, I'm reluctant because I feel like I'll be seen as the drama queen. 

I know it does not make it okay, but if she does talk about you I would think most people would see through her and understand she has issues.    She sounds like a real piece of work. 

You're right.  The few friends of mine who have met her did not like her at all, especially in the company of uBPDm.  I don't like talking about my family for obvious reasons, but there are a few who do know how crazy they are.   

I think blocking her was a good choice though it can be seen as hostile.  I am not sure what a less aggressive alternative would be though.

Regarding SM, I generally do not block or unfriend anyone, even those with whom I disagree socially or politically.  I took that extra step because the FM first crossed the line about a year ago by getting personally nasty to several of us in the context of a political disagreement.  In response, I told her via IM that I wouldn't JADE.  I then limited her access to my page.  She could write on my wall, but she couldn't immediately access my posts.  That's why this is so disturbing to me.  She went the extra mile by intentionally going to my wall to write nasty messages. I think I managed to block her this time, so I shouldn't receive any more emails. 

It is frustrating for me when I think this is happening around a time when you should be able to celebrate and enjoy your success in reaching a goal.  I can only imagine how it must feel for you.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Thank you.