Detached for quite a while...recognizing more of the hook

[findingmyselfagain]

I happened to be going through old emails. (I probably should delete some of the ones from the ex.) I ran across some from my ex that were early in the r/s. We were going back and forth about planning the wedding. Who doesn't like being in love? That was a huge part of my hook if not the hook. I believed more in the "feelings", the passion, etc., and overlooked the strange arguments that seemed to happen from time to time. Like when I was invited to a friend's wedding and she would just get angry and go completely sullen and silent when I would tell her that we would split a hotel room with a few friends. Later she said something like, "I thought it would be a romantic getaway for us." Who knows what triggered that? Was it the fear of socializing? Fear of abandonment? It never made sense but we ended up pulling through it. I should have questioned her more deeply... .but who knows if that would have gotten me any closer to a solution? I was basically nailed by the BPD "love bomb" and then like so many, the abrupt end shocked me and wrecked me for several years... .even after I figured out that there was very likely some unBPD issues going on. I went so far as to join a BPD support group and make friends with a BPD blogger to write my ex a letter. At one time she agreed to hang out but then I pulled myself back and realized that that was not a solution. As hard as it may be, I have maintained NC since then and recognized that we aren't good for each other. I would have to get a very mature apology and have some evidence of treatment/progress. It's going on 8 years so what would be the purpose now? What would it serve? I'm as happily married as I can be and have a wonderful toddler in my life. I recognize now how hurt that my ex is. There's a part of me from childhood issues, etc., that falls for the empathy trap but I've learned also that pity is not love. When I saw my ex's profile I did think she needs some TLC but I know now that some people need a whole lot more than that. I no longer pursue or try to mend impossible relationships. It's been quite a journey and a part of me has to be thankful for the "learning experience". I was engaged to my ex for about 8 months and it ended around the time we set the wedding date. I know now that things could have been worse. We could have had a 6-month marriage with a child to keep us connected forever or we could have miserably married forever. So I did "dodge a bullet" as some say here.

[Insom]

 Hi, findingmyselfagain.     Congrats on your happy marriage!  It sounds like you're doing well with your new partner and family.

There's a part of me from childhood issues, etc., that falls for the empathy trap but I've learned also that pity is not love. When I saw my ex's profile I did think she needs some TLC but I know now that some people need a whole lot more than that. I no longer pursue or try to mend impossible relationships

One of the cool things about detaching from someone with BPD is the opportunity the experience offers to look inward and explore other issues.  Would you like to say more about what you've learned about your childhood issues?  What are some of the steps you took to help you heal? 

 

[findingmyselfagain]

Sure, I don't mind at all. After the r/s ended I saw a therapist and read up a lot on BPD. I googled some of my ex's personality quirks and pretty quickly came across BPD. It was a like a light bulb went off. I recognized that I never had much luck with "nice" (i.e. emotionally healthy, stable) girls. I'd go out with them on one date and then I'd be extremely nervous about a second date. Or I'd find some excuse not to continue dating.Then along came my exfiance. I saw her profile on match. She looked a little like she needed some TLC. I later learned that pity and love aren't the same thing. Just because you care for someone doesn't mean that they'll give you the same level of care. She was a lot like my mother... .waify, short-tempered. It felt very comfortable to me.

My mother was always hard on me. My younger brother was her favorite and could do no wrong. When I was very little, she wouldn't let me call her "mommy". She forced me to call her Mother. Knowing what I know now I'm guessing someone ridiculed her because I called her mommy. Who knows? It was a hurtful experience for me. I remember that my mother used to hide reading books from me because I would read them so fast.  When I was in 4th grade my teacher wanted me in a gifted class. But my mother "didn't believe in that." Bizarre, isn't it? My attachment style, or lack thereof, is triggered mostly by my r/s with my mother.

My parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. Shortly after that my grandparents passed away. They lived next door to us and practically raised us. My mother was diabetic (waify) so they took care of us every day. I learned co-dependency from early on. She was in very poor health all of her life. In some sense I had always had to be the Little Parent. That increased even more during this period as instead of playing sports or enjoying life like a kid, I felt like I needed to be responsible and stay at home.

Moving on was incredibly difficult. I know now how much I struggled. I was in absolute misery, depressed... .blood sugars (also diabetic) all over the place... .for years. I had to force myself to go out and make new friends, but I did. I joined several social meetup groups. I hosted events at my home and some of my favorite events around the city. It was a struggle but it became easier as time went on.

It's been years  now and I still think of my ex and her struggles... .but not nearly as much as I used to. I recognize that we could never have a healthy, equal relationship and I don't need to be anywhere near her. It's sad... .but a part of life is accepting that there are things you can change and things you can't. You can only live your life and help others as much as they want to be helped. I've learned to live and let live in a much more balanced fashion. Unhealthy relationships don't chase me around any more.